February 29, 2008

It's been over 6 months since my last journal entry. I'm in a poetic and philosiphical way lately... ... ...My God, why am I so tormented by this invisible sound. This sound seems best reserved for hell, for murderers, rapists, child abusers, child molesters...I've never even physically commited adultery, but I think this torment would be too harsh for a thief or adulterer. What do I know and why do I know anything? It's because You have given me a mind to know and to not know. Am I content with this? I want to know. Is this yearning for knowledge beyond my understanding a sin? Did I really know anything before experiencing real suffering? Why do I constantly hear this invisible sound of incredible torment? I can understand why there is syphillis and almost even aids but cancer? Why do children die? Why is there this screaming wedge between worship? Could I better not serve you God without living in this purgatory? Are my treasures still too bound to the here and now and what I dreamed them to be? "Though He slay me, I will not curse Him and die" (somewhere in the Book of Job). God help me to hold true to this. I am bent but not broken.  I could mention my good deeds, many unknown by none but than You and I, and then you could condemn me for the many gifts and talents you have given me that I let die. If my life were a fairy tale I would never know you my God in this way. Our communication would be superficial I suspect. If this burden I bear was for the redemption of my son or daughter or brother or even brother-in-law or even friend, I could bear it much better but how do I know? I fear this is a vain or even a blasphemous thought. On the cross Your Son was scourged and crucified and cried "my God, my God , why have you forsaken me." How could God be forsaken by God unless this seperation explains our fallen humanity and by His not experiencing this seperation the sacrifice would not have been worthy. These are only words and their value holds little weight with the heaviness of suffering. I need to know comfort in knowing that Simon helped Christ carry his cross.  How heavy was the cross? How heavy is the cross? Why the cross? I envy those who are not suffering, but should I be sad that they have no cross to bear? Why do I concern myself with matters that are too great for me? If I could pay my debt in advance would I willing do it? I would say I would but I probally wouldn't get around to it. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.       ...these words sound real nice but to live them is a near impossible thing...I think this is the value of Faith.