February 25, 2010

Well, it's been a long time since I was on the board partly because I didn't want to focus my life on my illness and partly because in October, I think, i had great improvement.  I am doind well or well, I am still doing.  I am due for my Remicade infusion tomorrow and have been thinking about it since about two weeks after I had the last one.  I am so not in the place where I started but not yet in the place I want to be.  The methotrexate is tearing up my stomach and some days I say forget about the treatments and I will deal with the progression of the disease at a later time and then my logical self kicks back in.  I am still way more emotional than I've ever been.  No longer on a cane, but the nights are tough, the mornings are tough, the afternoons are tough, now that I think about it.  The good news is that I am still alive and able to get around, the bad news is that I am in no way satisfied with my quality of life.  Again, putting on the face.  I have fallen a few times and now cannot take a tub bath alone so it's showers most of the time when I love a nice hot bath.  Oh well, some people don;t have a tub to get in or medicine to take, so I will just thank God for what I have and keep on moving.  Oh and by the way, now I have chronic dry eyes and possibly macular degeneration-let's just say I'm so tempted to discontinue with all the doctor's visits and medication and spend the money on a nice Hawaii vacation-can that be the cure to all that ails me?  How about a week in Paris?  If only it were that simple.  Oh and let's not talk about my memory-is it aging at 40 or something else.  I really do need to talk to someone about the shoulder pain as is feels like my arm is ripping from my shoulder.  Anyway, enough for today.  I guess I needed to blow some steam off as pretending things don;t exist doesn't make them go away.
God will not bring you to anything he will not see you through:)