february 24 2012: more thoughts
i just spent some time rereading my entire journal beginning last august! i am beginning to wonder how far we have REALLY gotten. Although the chronic use of alcohol ended 3 or so years ago, hubby is beginning to drink "socially" from time to time. He looks to me for permission, but this cannot be my job. my last crazed journal entry outlined the heartbreaking realizations i came to during a conversation last week.
i had this week off, and although we did some pleasant things together there was the underlying discomfort i had knowing that he was using tranquilizers, and it became a dreary task trying to engage in conversation, keep his attention and generally just trying to stay "perky" in an attempt to "behave" and avoid conflict. clonapin have a side effect of depression and those tendencies showed up. i had two conversations with him that were more like suggestions or concerns without directly confronting him (this is how he has asked me to approach these things) i should have been instantly alerted to the dangers here by his total understanding and agreement. BULLSHIT
blah blah blah
preferred answers/ reactions: 1. i am an addict, i will flush the tranquilizers, not i will try to use them responsibly. 2. i need to get myself back into treatment, not i will call him after a little break. 3. money is tight right now how can i help manage it? not i called for a quote on a new mustang gt.... what do you mean no?
things i am tired to death of: pretending that "tired " is not really tired but really sleeping it off, constant complaining about arthritis and other aches and pains( which were well controlled until he decided to take himself off cymbalta because it makes him feel vague??????? excuse me but isnt vague his goal????), acting happy and perky in order to keep the peace when inside i am seething, believing in him and letting down my guard then having him swoop in with resumption of crappy addictions and his crappy justifications and selfish attitudes toward his shit.
i had this week off, and although we did some pleasant things together there was the underlying discomfort i had knowing that he was using tranquilizers, and it became a dreary task trying to engage in conversation, keep his attention and generally just trying to stay "perky" in an attempt to "behave" and avoid conflict. clonapin have a side effect of depression and those tendencies showed up. i had two conversations with him that were more like suggestions or concerns without directly confronting him (this is how he has asked me to approach these things) i should have been instantly alerted to the dangers here by his total understanding and agreement. BULLSHIT
blah blah blah
preferred answers/ reactions: 1. i am an addict, i will flush the tranquilizers, not i will try to use them responsibly. 2. i need to get myself back into treatment, not i will call him after a little break. 3. money is tight right now how can i help manage it? not i called for a quote on a new mustang gt.... what do you mean no?
things i am tired to death of: pretending that "tired " is not really tired but really sleeping it off, constant complaining about arthritis and other aches and pains( which were well controlled until he decided to take himself off cymbalta because it makes him feel vague??????? excuse me but isnt vague his goal????), acting happy and perky in order to keep the peace when inside i am seething, believing in him and letting down my guard then having him swoop in with resumption of crappy addictions and his crappy justifications and selfish attitudes toward his shit.
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