FEBRUARY 2013
Mon.4 Feb 13: FRUSTRATED
UGH!...I am so Frustrated right now....had a very long week last week....and now I am just drained....
completely drained of any little energy I had stored up... I went to bed late last night but woke up early today (5:45)...I just laid in bed ...tossing and turning... and thinking about ALL the crap I have to do today and this week but don't feel like doing...I just got up out of bed at 7am to take my meds... turned on my music, my computers, brushed my teeth, got my water and sat down at my desk...
NOW!...I am sitting here writing this journal .... and still haven't taken my meds ... JUST DON"T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING....just writing this is frustrating and exhausting....DEEP SIGH....UGH!
Yesterday @ church I wrote the following prayer request :
For the last 15 months I have been struggling with various physical and mental health issues. And today as I sit here I just feel so far away from GOD. Please pray for me for the next few weeks months.
...of course I didn't submit it...it makes me sound like such a weak baby!...and like a complete failure
...I can't reveal that side of me....but ....it is how I feel....
Last night, a DS Friend here updated his status: "Angry...Depressed...Alone" ---that's exactly how I feel...actually that's how I've felt for a very long time...and I hate it!!!...this is not who I am...I miss myself...does that make sense to anyone? ....I used to tell my addict husband that and I he never understood it ...he used to say: "I am always here!...If I am not at work, I am at home! How can you miss me? ...well I can because the addict personality is the one who is here...and I don't like that person...I like the sober guy I met and fell in love with many years ago!...THAT is who I miss....not the guy who is always here...but is emotionally abusive to me all the time and does a very good job at making me feel unloved and unworthy....that's who I miss....AND I miss my old self....I miss my strong, self-sufficient independent self....I feel like that lady in the commercial : !Help!!!...I've fallen and I can't get up!!!....and on this note, I will now end this journal entry.
...WELL?...
Friday-1Feb13
i stopped journaling in november ...but I know I posted some thoughts in my support groups...so i want to copy and paste them here because they tell the story of how I have been feeling for the 15 months.
I've lost / wasted a lot of time...in my eyes, at least...so I don't really know what to do...
I was walking to church yesterday (for the first time in a week)....and one of the many thoughts racing through my mind was about SHARING....I'm, not good at sharing....I am a very selfish person....always have been since I was child ...and I think I always will be because sharing with people has just never worked with me....ask me to share my Coke, my food, my truck, my motorcycle or my grapes and I can't do it....those are just a few of my indulges that I consider to be mine and only mine....there is no way I am going to share them!!!!....but ask me to share my time, or my story, or my gifts/talents and I am happy to oblige!....well no not really...cause I am extremely private...and I don't like to bother people with anything that has to do with me....things like my home life, marriage, relationships, you know those deeply personal things....UGH...I am just so frustrated ...cause I have so much going on in my mind....
I think I'll stop writing now...cause I didn't write about anything that I wanted to write about...so....I'll try again later on ...bye for now.
WED. 6FEB13 -
GOD ...I am so sick!....so sick, I don't know what to do!!!!
I've been up since 5:30am YESTERDAY!!!!....I just COULD NOT go to sleep...and now I am here writing this journal...I've been up for 32 HRS!!!!!!!.....I am also shaking and my heart is racing...this really, really sucks
I just want to clear off my desk....1 little thing!!!!!!!.....God help me! PLEASE
UGH!...I am so Frustrated right now....had a very long week last week....and now I am just drained....
completely drained of any little energy I had stored up... I went to bed late last night but woke up early today (5:45)...I just laid in bed ...tossing and turning... and thinking about ALL the crap I have to do today and this week but don't feel like doing...I just got up out of bed at 7am to take my meds... turned on my music, my computers, brushed my teeth, got my water and sat down at my desk...
NOW!...I am sitting here writing this journal .... and still haven't taken my meds ... JUST DON"T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING....just writing this is frustrating and exhausting....DEEP SIGH....UGH!
Yesterday @ church I wrote the following prayer request :
For the last 15 months I have been struggling with various physical and mental health issues. And today as I sit here I just feel so far away from GOD. Please pray for me for the next few weeks months.
...of course I didn't submit it...it makes me sound like such a weak baby!...and like a complete failure
...I can't reveal that side of me....but ....it is how I feel....
Last night, a DS Friend here updated his status: "Angry...Depressed...Alone" ---that's exactly how I feel...actually that's how I've felt for a very long time...and I hate it!!!...this is not who I am...I miss myself...does that make sense to anyone? ....I used to tell my addict husband that and I he never understood it ...he used to say: "I am always here!...If I am not at work, I am at home! How can you miss me? ...well I can because the addict personality is the one who is here...and I don't like that person...I like the sober guy I met and fell in love with many years ago!...THAT is who I miss....not the guy who is always here...but is emotionally abusive to me all the time and does a very good job at making me feel unloved and unworthy....that's who I miss....AND I miss my old self....I miss my strong, self-sufficient independent self....I feel like that lady in the commercial : !Help!!!...I've fallen and I can't get up!!!....and on this note, I will now end this journal entry.
...WELL?...
Friday-1Feb13
i stopped journaling in november ...but I know I posted some thoughts in my support groups...so i want to copy and paste them here because they tell the story of how I have been feeling for the 15 months.
I've lost / wasted a lot of time...in my eyes, at least...so I don't really know what to do...
I was walking to church yesterday (for the first time in a week)....and one of the many thoughts racing through my mind was about SHARING....I'm, not good at sharing....I am a very selfish person....always have been since I was child ...and I think I always will be because sharing with people has just never worked with me....ask me to share my Coke, my food, my truck, my motorcycle or my grapes and I can't do it....those are just a few of my indulges that I consider to be mine and only mine....there is no way I am going to share them!!!!....but ask me to share my time, or my story, or my gifts/talents and I am happy to oblige!....well no not really...cause I am extremely private...and I don't like to bother people with anything that has to do with me....things like my home life, marriage, relationships, you know those deeply personal things....UGH...I am just so frustrated ...cause I have so much going on in my mind....
I think I'll stop writing now...cause I didn't write about anything that I wanted to write about...so....I'll try again later on ...bye for now.
WED. 6FEB13 -
GOD ...I am so sick!....so sick, I don't know what to do!!!!
I've been up since 5:30am YESTERDAY!!!!....I just COULD NOT go to sleep...and now I am here writing this journal...I've been up for 32 HRS!!!!!!!.....I am also shaking and my heart is racing...this really, really sucks
I just want to clear off my desk....1 little thing!!!!!!!.....God help me! PLEASE
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