Fear of Success
Way back in the last millenium when my MD/BP dx was undisputed, "Self-sabotage" was a recurring therapy theme in both my pro therapy sessions and peer support circles. As I continue teetering on the brink of what I used to feel safe calling, "A Manic Episode," I find myself wondering with increasing clarity if it is my fear of success which is at play here. In the yaddahs of my own psychoblahs, I continue to believe that "Self-sabotage" is a direct manifestation of my fear of success. Is there a quicker way to relieve myself of the responsibilities which come with success? Those responsibilities are even more unpredictable than a Mean Girl's social acceptability ratings. There's always a fuckload of small print and inuendo in the contract.
The cooler air/wind temps on the prairie have made for longer drying times on the caulks, paints, etc I am using to put the finishing touches on the extraction room. Waiting out those drying times while feeling manicky is giving my OCD therapy tools a real workout. Yea, I have plenty of other projects to fill the wait times, but my inner control freak is impatient with the delays and distractions. Chop, chop!!! Time's awasting. I want THIS project finished on *my* arbitrary schedule.
The acoustics here in the extraction room really are sweet. The Guit-chi report remains: Just sing. . .
Working to *just* hold steady. One foot in front of the other. Just breathe. . .
Replies
I do the "self-sabotage" thing a lot.
You are echoing once again the thoughts that often spin around and around in my mind, Arfie. I’ve never been able to figure it out.
Hugs & lots of support.
I often say if i could just get out of my own way, everything will work itself out. I have to fall upon the polish proverb often to remind myself to move along; “not my monkey, not my circus”. Its the only way over the years that i have learned to let go of control sometimes. Triple hugs of support and breathing with you.