Fear of Life
I've come to think that no matter when we lose a person, it's a shock. It surprises us that a person with whom we built a life can simply be gone. I had plenty of time to prepare for the passing of my mother and no time to prepare for the passing of my husband, yet, I was still shocked that they were gone. That their life on this planet was simply over. I'm still stumbling around, trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
I've come to think that this journey has changed me. In the past, I feared death, but now I fear living. Living means growing old without the love of my life. Living means perhaps dealing with declining health alone. I see my father, a once strong person, but now he's 83 and his strenth declines daily. He once looked younger, but now the years are catching up with him. He has me, but what will I have? Will my stepdaughter actually be there for me if I need her. I will I face declining years with no human contact. I mean, I know God is there for me, but what about a person to simply hold my hands. Tell me everything will be okay. That's now gone from my life.
So what I have is a fear of life. I'd be happy to just drop dead, no pain, no lingering illness.
I've come to think that this journey has changed me. In the past, I feared death, but now I fear living. Living means growing old without the love of my life. Living means perhaps dealing with declining health alone. I see my father, a once strong person, but now he's 83 and his strenth declines daily. He once looked younger, but now the years are catching up with him. He has me, but what will I have? Will my stepdaughter actually be there for me if I need her. I will I face declining years with no human contact. I mean, I know God is there for me, but what about a person to simply hold my hands. Tell me everything will be okay. That's now gone from my life.
So what I have is a fear of life. I'd be happy to just drop dead, no pain, no lingering illness.
Replies
I know Tru..I know! I now understand what Jesus meant when He said only think of today. We may pass in our sleep or have an illness but God will bring someone into our path to walk along with us, we just have to ask Him.
Thinking of you, my friend & your stepdaughter just may surprise you!
Cynthia
Truhal, you are putting into words exactly what I have been feeling lately. I don\'t know if it\'s just the holiday season starting or what but I have so much fear - and it\'s all about moving forward alone. All I can tell you is don\'t look that far ahead, we don\'t even know if we have tomorrow - and try real hard to take each day as it comes.
I\'ve been thinking the same thing...who will hold my hand when my time comes, will anyone be there??? My daughter acts like I\'m a pain in the behind, they can\'t wait to move out but we were good enough to live with for 5 years but not since bigbear died....long story, oh well what ever happens, happens....take it easy, hugs...Sandi