Fear of Life

I've come to think that no matter when we lose a person, it's a shock.  It surprises us that a person with whom we built a life can simply be gone.  I had plenty of time to prepare for the passing of my mother and no time to prepare for the passing of my husband, yet, I was still shocked that they were gone.  That their life on this planet was simply over.  I'm still stumbling around, trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life.
I've come to think that this journey has changed me.  In the past, I feared death, but now I fear living.  Living means growing old without the love of my life.  Living means perhaps dealing with declining health alone.  I see my father, a once strong person, but now he's 83 and his strenth declines daily.  He once looked younger, but now the years are catching up with him.  He has me, but what will I have?  Will my stepdaughter actually be there for me if I need her.  I will I face declining years with no human contact.  I mean, I know God is  there for me, but what about a person to simply hold my hands.  Tell me everything will be okay.  That's now gone from my life.
So what I have is a fear of life.  I'd be happy to just drop dead, no pain, no lingering illness.