Fear of February
When I first started this whole sobriety adventure, I remember getting a few months under my belt, and looking ahead, oh shit, the summer looms ahead of me, how will I do it, sitting poolside, oh the lovely fruity drinks... how will I do without my lovely fruity drinks...And then summer came and I still had lovely fruity drinks and I still had my pool... I just didn't have alcohol. I had my kids and my family... I had to relearn how to have fun. Just plain, REAL, genuine FUN. I was like a stroke victim, seriously, relearning how to walk. You'd think it would be basic, wouldn't you... And then fall came and winter loomed ahead of me... And FEBRUARY. How I've hated February... for YEARs, stinkin' February, the cold and the drab and the walls closing in.... Stinkin' February... my skin so dry and my hair fly-away, and make-up- doesn't stick to your skin in February, I end up looking and feeling like shit in February... And the drinking.... the standing in my garage, pouring and hiding and drinking, trying to make it funner, February, trying to party on through it... I feel different this year about February. I've learned a new skill. I look at my calendar now. I plan stuff. I spend time with friends and my family. I look forward to things, instead of dreading them... I don't have to drink, or plan how I will drink, how I will possibly get through all the horrendous social functions I have to get through.... I look forward to them now!!! I look forward to being myself, and having laughs, and remembering conversations and connecting, TRULY connecting with the people in my life, and making memories... memories that I will actually REMEMBER! I am looking forward to February this year. Because it's gonna be the best nasty, cold, dreary, slushy, gray February I've ever had! I am well. I am whole. I have resources, and I have people, friends, family... I didn't lose any of that to my addictions. These things were always here for me. I can see them now. I see them. And I see February. It's just a month. It's a month for love, actually. For heart-shaped pizzas and pink cupcakes... February...
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