Fear/Anxiety
Hello SOTH - it has been a few days since I've written a journal but have been on the site many times reading your journals and responses. I get such encouragement and hope from them. I thank you for all of you and only hope that some day I will be able to give encouragement and hope to others instead of nod my head in agreement with all of you. Thanks again.
I have developed FEAR - "fear of driving long distances" because something could happen; "fear of something happening" to friends, grandson, husband; "fear of finally giving up trying to cope everyday" and just giving up ending up ? I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes. Smiling at work, telling others God has a plan, God cares, God knows, and here I am, fearful of my shadow - then feeling anxious about it.
I push myself everyday to work; push myself to meet with friends; push myself to see my therapist; the list goes on...I think I rest when I can, cry when it comes, but am I really dealing with this grief? I remember my mom saying @ 89 if she didn't keep moving, she would "die" - I sometimes have the fear that if I don't keep doing, that I will end up in a rocking chair repeating "bbbbbbb". The pain sometimes is so paralyzing and leaves me numb not knowing what the hell to do. I would tell others, try praying, try resting, try......I would listen to them, offering comfort. a hug, so why can't I do that for myself? Is the fear and anxiety normal? I've always thought I was so sensible, caring, loving, and a fun person who has enjoyed life - NOW I feel not so sensible, caring, loving or fun at all.... It has been almost 5 months since losing my daughter and do I just expect too damn much of myself? I am reminded as I write this journal, MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.....SIGH....BREATHE.......
WHY WHY WHY ------DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT...That about sums it up for today...Jennifer went so quick, not expected to die when it happened, paralyzed at her bedside, not saying anything, so so sad!!!!
I have developed FEAR - "fear of driving long distances" because something could happen; "fear of something happening" to friends, grandson, husband; "fear of finally giving up trying to cope everyday" and just giving up ending up ? I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes. Smiling at work, telling others God has a plan, God cares, God knows, and here I am, fearful of my shadow - then feeling anxious about it.
I push myself everyday to work; push myself to meet with friends; push myself to see my therapist; the list goes on...I think I rest when I can, cry when it comes, but am I really dealing with this grief? I remember my mom saying @ 89 if she didn't keep moving, she would "die" - I sometimes have the fear that if I don't keep doing, that I will end up in a rocking chair repeating "bbbbbbb". The pain sometimes is so paralyzing and leaves me numb not knowing what the hell to do. I would tell others, try praying, try resting, try......I would listen to them, offering comfort. a hug, so why can't I do that for myself? Is the fear and anxiety normal? I've always thought I was so sensible, caring, loving, and a fun person who has enjoyed life - NOW I feel not so sensible, caring, loving or fun at all.... It has been almost 5 months since losing my daughter and do I just expect too damn much of myself? I am reminded as I write this journal, MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.....SIGH....BREATHE.......
WHY WHY WHY ------DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT...That about sums it up for today...Jennifer went so quick, not expected to die when it happened, paralyzed at her bedside, not saying anything, so so sad!!!!
Replies
It\'s only normal to have fear take the center stage for awhile, after our child\'s transitioningBut if it gets overwhelming, your doctor may be able to medically help you. Over time, this kind of fear eases up, I found. It does take awhile though. I remind myself to deep breathe, also it\'s easy to forget that one! Peace, Donna
I have the same fears and the same faith...it is where the healing starts, feeling whatever we feel in our hearts. That doesn\'t change what we know about God and His plan for us. Our Father understands exactly what losing a child feels like and all the mix of emotions that go with it. There is nothing hypocritical in our reactions, not one little bit. You are His creation His love as was your beautiful daughter. We are simply sacrificing our happiness for theirs in a way. They are healthy, happy and healed now. We are sad and long for them, but if we have given our life for theirs by choice, wouldn\'t we have done just that? That was a little revelation I got last week during a pretty bad spell. I hope it can help someone else..with all the love and hope for you that I can muster, Lauri
Oh my dear. You now know how fragile life is so it is natural to be anxious. I think we all felt like that at the beginning. I personally still feel a bit panicky when I don\'t hear from my son or granddaughter. I have to call to reassure myself. It is almost incomprehensible now, but you will smile again. Slowly, a new normal emerges.
Do whatever it takes to cope. Counseling, medications, meditation. We all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong. And keep coming here to FMO. We are here for one another.
One day you will be the one reassuring new moms.
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene
No words of wisdom. Just lots of love and understanding !!!
(((HUGS)))...Julia
Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real. Fear is part of this path that must be poked around in, embraced and then allowed to be surrendered. Your world has been rocked, shattered and you have been taken down to the bottom of a deep abyss and yes, there is so much fear and anxiety within it.
For me, if I can try to discern between what is truth and what are just my thoughts around something my fear generally begins to take more of a back seat. When in the eye of a storm this is not easy to do and that is when having hearts with ears in those I\'m in relationship with really helps.
You are steeped in grief and ARE all those things that you say you \"once were.\" They are still there and it takes time to heal this huge heart and soul wound. You will be forever changed, yet NOTHING is wrong with you. Your feelings are not something to be gotten rid of yet something you are trying to move into, sit with and then know when it\'s time to surrender them.
I\'m with you, I care and keep finding the tools that help you. I have found that I need to switch them up often because they change as I do.
Just this moment and just this day and you are doing the work of grieving. It is the hardest work of a lifetime and this is what it looks and feels like.
Heart to heart and hand in Hand,
XO Joanie
Tightest of heart hugs my friend....
You will get through the intense fear and find your calm, safe place again.
This fear is called generalized anxiety and is the result of PTSD, which you are suffering due to a very traumatic and horrific loss. You cannot allow it to control you. Speak to your therapist about it for reassurance. Find a prayer or mantra you can repeat to yourself when it begins to overtake you. Pray: ask God for relief. Fear does not come from God. There is also medication available to deal with panic attacks and high anxiety, talk to your Dr. You will get through this. I struggled with it and sometimes I still do but I can back it off now. It\'s part of the grieving process, and the fact that you recognize it means it is a healthy and normal response and this, too, shall pass. As for telling people God cares, God has a plan....it is normal for us to have moments of doubt, to scream at God WHY DID YOU ALLOW THIS.....He understands. And He does have a plan. We have to learn to trust, that I think is the hardest lesson in life especially when something so terrible has happened to us. It\'s so hard to trust God but I think it is, finally, the ultimate solution.
After my son died my big fear was something would happen to my daughter. I needed to know she was alright. That all the grand kids were ok.. I was consumed for a while. I still get those thoughts but not as often or as bad. This is a process I went through the fear was at times overwhelming I have make it through. I will go on for weeks or months without a thought of what could happen..... I quess I have evolved in a sense.
I do hope you will find a path that is not so hard as the one you are on now. Baby steps
Hugs Penny
I felt very much the same way at the beginning of this journey of grief. I felt like I was in a parallel reality most of the time. Part of me trusting God, knowing that my son is now forever in His care. Yet, at the same time heartbroken, bereft and wondering why? I won\'t say that it\'s all going to come together because that wouldn\'t be the truth. We are changed forever. But the pain does get lighter and more manageable as we heal. Love to you and precious Jennifer, Linda
I too at times still have the fear, I try and remember my children are grown adults and don\'t have to report to mom everyday about their comings and goings but I hope I\'ve finally gotten across to them to at least respond if I\'m in panic mode because of the fear. It was intense at the beginning of my grief, like yours is, which is completely understandable after losing our precious children. Sending you love and hugs hoping today is a little easier.