fear and frustration or dessert?
One day while walking through the wilderness a man stumbled upon a vicious tiger. He ran but soon came to the edge of a high cliff. Desperate to save himself, he climbed down a vine and dangled over the fatal precipice. As he hung there, two mice appeared from a hole in the cliff and began gnawing on the vine. Suddenly, he noticed on the vine a plump wild strawberry. He plucked it and popped it in his mouth. It was incredibly delicious!
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Another morning of crushing dread. It\'s chemical. It\'s got to be. I can list 20 things of the top of my head that are accomplishments i\'m proud of, yet I still feel like crap about myself. Then I add fuel to that shit storm by relapsing and destroying my life. You\'d think I gave myself something to feel crappy about. Like I had to make the outside match the inside. The relapse was about getting away from pain. Pain caused, not by false beliefs, not by self sabotage, but by brain chemistry. I\'m moody? No. I\'m a worry-wart? No. I think I\'m better than everyone else? No. I\'m bipolar. It\'s brain chemistry. \"I\" might not even be here next week when I start taking medication. This person I have been all my life might not even be me. Well, part of me is me. No sense in throwing the baby out with the bath water, as I\'m fond of saying. I have compassion. That thing I call myself is a walking wound that, when healed, will be gone. I don\'t hate it, it\'s not going to be a scapegoat or whipping boy, it just has to go. I know it won\'t be easy and I know medication isn\'t going to fix everything but this is one part of my life that nothing else has touched - not even NLP. As I was relapsing I remember saying I wanted to perform chemical surgery on myself and cut that part of my brain out. I wish I would have taken that as a sign that I needed medical attention, but whatever, I\'m taking that step now. I just need to make it to Wednesday and the process begins. I\'m excited, I\'m hopeful, and I\'m relieved. It isn\'t that I\'m a bad person trying to get good. I\'m a sick person trying to get better.