Fear and Anger
Blogger posted this response on the infidelity board to a woman, sad and lonely divorcing, h left her for ow, and she missing h :
"The only suggestion I could think of is think of how you would feel everyday living with someone who you know lied and deceived you. Every day you would wonder if CS is still cheating, can you trust him/her, are you sleeping with cs while they're still sleeping with someone else, are you continuing living with someone who has a double life, are you still being fooled, are you secure with the marriage, etc.. You have to make a new norm because the old norm is really not what you thought it was because it wasn't real"
This terrifies me. It articulates where my head has been for the last week, "Can I do this?"
Can we do this? What do I need to be happy? Not just get along, not just get by, not just exist, but to be happy. To be alive again.
That is a scary thought. Do I even want to know? Change is scary, could I just go along for another 40 years just pretending everything is ok, being roommates with benefits but who mostly live separate lives, but never being truly happy?
Am I brave enough to figure out everything I need to be happy? is H brave enough to go on the journey with me? Will we make to the end of the ride together? Or will one of us get off early?
More crying.
~~~~~~~~
Went back to doc today. He doubled my dose celexa from 20 to 40mg. Changed my nighttime sleep med, but I can't remember to what, he talked of several, haven't gone to pick it up yet.
Took blood and urine for std screening :( Said if any bad results will hear in about a week, if all good won't hear anything. See him again in 30 days. He also scheduled appointment with obgyn for new pap and further hormone testing. Still no period since Jan 1, and before that was like Nov 11.
Hormones are wack-a-do! I am pissed and crying at same time. I know I was already depressed before the A. Should have already been on medication. Ok. I accept that.
But H certainly did not help. I mean looking at the time leading up to the A, and during the A, his behavior, when I most needed support dealing with my grief, and all the other life crap, and he was picking fights or ignoring me or being hateful . Now I know why and what was going on.
And it is 100 per-fuckin-cent his fault I had to ask to get tested for std's.
Asshole. And now I am definately pissed again.
I'm dizzy from the up and down and round and round. I just want to leave the carnival :(
"The only suggestion I could think of is think of how you would feel everyday living with someone who you know lied and deceived you. Every day you would wonder if CS is still cheating, can you trust him/her, are you sleeping with cs while they're still sleeping with someone else, are you continuing living with someone who has a double life, are you still being fooled, are you secure with the marriage, etc.. You have to make a new norm because the old norm is really not what you thought it was because it wasn't real"
This terrifies me. It articulates where my head has been for the last week, "Can I do this?"
Can we do this? What do I need to be happy? Not just get along, not just get by, not just exist, but to be happy. To be alive again.
That is a scary thought. Do I even want to know? Change is scary, could I just go along for another 40 years just pretending everything is ok, being roommates with benefits but who mostly live separate lives, but never being truly happy?
Am I brave enough to figure out everything I need to be happy? is H brave enough to go on the journey with me? Will we make to the end of the ride together? Or will one of us get off early?
More crying.
~~~~~~~~
Went back to doc today. He doubled my dose celexa from 20 to 40mg. Changed my nighttime sleep med, but I can't remember to what, he talked of several, haven't gone to pick it up yet.
Took blood and urine for std screening :( Said if any bad results will hear in about a week, if all good won't hear anything. See him again in 30 days. He also scheduled appointment with obgyn for new pap and further hormone testing. Still no period since Jan 1, and before that was like Nov 11.
Hormones are wack-a-do! I am pissed and crying at same time. I know I was already depressed before the A. Should have already been on medication. Ok. I accept that.
But H certainly did not help. I mean looking at the time leading up to the A, and during the A, his behavior, when I most needed support dealing with my grief, and all the other life crap, and he was picking fights or ignoring me or being hateful . Now I know why and what was going on.
And it is 100 per-fuckin-cent his fault I had to ask to get tested for std's.
Asshole. And now I am definately pissed again.
I'm dizzy from the up and down and round and round. I just want to leave the carnival :(
Replies
Somebody stop the ride! Let the poor girl off! Sorry you having a poor day! Remember though if you stay and work things out, you will not be questioning what is going on or if H is cheating because you will have let go of that in order to move forward with your relationship. Whatever you decide to do, do it for you. You deserve to be happy.
Okay about what blogger said, you have to remember THAT might be the reality for some but not for all.
I do not wonder everyday if my H is cheating on me. I am 99.9% confident that he is not cheating on me right now. I am a scientist so I will never use 100%. :P
Now am I confident he will never do it again. NO
And I would be a fool if I was.
Some people are like that and just cannot handle uncertainty. That is really what it comes down to is your threshold for uncertainty. The things that reduce uncertainty are your H\'s level of remorse, his level of accountability, and over time seeing that his words match his actions.
You know from my journals that I am a reluctant rebuilder. I really could have gone either way with this and be equally confused. So I kind of play hardball with my H. There are no kiddie gloves in my house. So if I can have days where I barely think about it (and I do) the so will you in time. Blogger\'s experience or mine for that matter are just that and do not mean your\'s will be the same.
Being further out in rebuilding - I can now see how much growth \"we\" have had in rebuilding. I often go tcaught up in other bloggers\' posts thinking that was my H. But it wasn\'t. The question that you have to keep asking yourself is: Do you want this marriage? Only you can answer that. And there may be times when you want to throw in the towel. This damn roller coaster ride is one that I never signed up for and neither did you. I agree with marcia - if you do decide to stay you will need to let go of questioning whether he will cheat again. Otherwise, rebuilding is impossible.
One day at a time, Girlfriend. I guess I figure that I\'d be no happier with anyone else because I don\'t think I would ever trust someone again. (I\'m pretty sure all men are pigs and would cave if the temptation presented itself. Not that that\'s any excuse at all. But it makes me feel a fraction better.) So what does that leave? Alone, I guess. Is it pathetic of me to think that I couldn\'t be happy alone? I don\'t think so. Everyone wants to be loved, right? Sorry if I\'m not sounding too positive and rah-rah-rah, but maybe this is just as good as it gets. Better the devil you know than the devil you don\'t know. Anyway, I\'m certainly not telling you what to do since I have no idea myself and we\'re about the same DD, just saying, no sudden movements. Get the hormone thing under control, the meds too, then re-evaluate. Best wishes to you, lovey.
Hang. In. There. Or as Lotus would say in her best Yoda impression, \"In there hang, you must.\"
One of the most difficult things I\'ve had to come to terms with is the uncertainty of the future. Will I flip out and walk away? Will he flip out and walk away? Will he have another affair? Hell, what if I flip out and have an affair? (Umm, no, but the thought has crossed my addled mind.) In reality, if my h wanted to, he could carry on another A. He has a work schedule that would easily allow for that. He meets a lot of people every week. I\'ve had to confront him about a woman who had the hots for him and texted him hundreds of messages under the pretense of giving him referrals to other potential clients. It doesn\'t feel good. At all. Nope. I want off this ride, too.
But here I am. It\'s been six months. I\'m trying to see his efforts to comfort me and build our relationship back up. And the more I look to the positive, the more I see. But it takes so freakin\' long, you know? To force your brain with all of its hormonal craziness and the stress to top it off, it seems next to impossible. So you just buckle down. Realize that the waves are going to come and go, but also realize that you\'re going to roll with them instead of fight them. It\'s too tiring at this point.
Everyone has their own journey. Don\'t let their story trigger you into thinking about the bad possibilities. Be aware, but also be more aware of you and your h\'s efforts at rebuilding.
Hugs to you. What you feel is normal. You\'re okay. Deep cleansing breaths. You will make it.
\"in there hang, you must\" In my best Yoda voice. Which is not as good as my Elmo impression. :)
I love you guys
I\'m still crying, but laughing now too :)
Oh and ANew, lol like I already told H, if we were to divorce I would never trust another man again, I would just have to find a girlfriend, stock up on batteries, and call it good :) lmao!!!
As you know, I\'ve been going through a bit of my own depression on some of these things. More lamenting what has happened, what I\'ve lost, what I didn\'t ask for but got anyway.
I do feel, thanks to the work Gabi\'s done, much more secure that she is not cheating on me and is not likely to do so in the future. But I can\'t say she\'ll never do it again either. Even though she is probably more immune to it now than before (she knows not to play with the fire unless she wants to end up single), I now know she can cheat. And she also has opportunity, being she is running all over the place cleaning houses, it would be easy for her to do it again because I can\'t always know where she is every moment of the day.
And it would probably be harder to catch her next time. She knows more of what to avoid. And she knows ways to get around that now too. But eventually she\'d be caught. And that would likely be the end, as I don\'t know I could do this again, could rebuild trust after that.
But you know your situation best. You know your H best. You have to assess your ability to trust him and where that line is for you. But give it a few days as well. This may just be a down time with hormones and all playing with your mind.
I know my h is remorseful. I know he hurt himself deeply also by cheating. I know it hurts him to even look at me sometimes. I know he loves me.
I don\'t think he\'s had any contact with tow. I don\'t think he\'ll cheat again, but I didn\'t think he would before. Like cole said, also he knows more now how to cover his tracks, and hell I wouldn\'t have caught him as it was if he hadn\'t wanted me to.
I guess part of what I\'m struggling with is the \'new me\' and who that is, and even if I forgive will I be able to live with it, and is this how it will always be?
ugh
and hormones
lkjfhapisufhpi;sjfh;juin
lol
A good book, a glass of wine, and batteries. Sounds blissful! :). My H is really struggling with guilt, which is why he can barely look at me, let alone initiate intimacy. Sigh! What a mess! Hugs to you!!
Regaining your trust is his job. Regaining trust in him and in yourself is your job. Trust is really nothing more than blind faith. For you, that is not going to be regained any time soon. It just can\'t work that way. You can forgive him someday, and maybe already have, but you may still not trust him. At least not 100%.
All you can do is continue to get up in the morning, breathe in and out all day long, and keep moving forward. Sounds incredibly corny and cliched but ultimately, taking care of yourself and working towards reconciliation are the only two things that are going to get you through.
Sorry about the additional health issues. Keep going to the doc and taking care of yourself. Hang in there!
KS, when we\'re not feeling well it seems like we\'re more susceptible to being depressed and I think when we are depressed we are more susceptible to not feeling well. It sucks and add the winter into it and you can become really down.
Is it like not knowing or having a guarantee for the future? When we got married we thought the future was going to be a certain way, now we know it\'s not and the unknown is scary. We don\'t grow up knowing how life is going to be after a spouse cheats. How many marriages do we know that have survived? I think that\'s why it\'s so comorting when someone comes on the board that is 5 years down the road. I would love to hear from someone that is 10 years down and can give me hope. I see how far we\'ve come so I\'m hopeful but I always thought our life was going to be a good, never expecting this so now nothing is off limits and I think anything can happen. So I guess the faith I once had has now turned to hope and that\'s something to come to terms with.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, I hate the carnival ride too, or even bein on this fricken fairgrounds. I do think that it\'s two fold right now,
one- H\'s bullshit he imposed on you, and all that recycling crap, questions, being hyper-vigilant, etc. it really is close to PTSD, if not close, could be.....
two, those fricken hormones could be making ya more depressed, but then which came first the chicken or the egg? Did depression, anxiety, crying, and thinking put off the period? Or is it pre-menopausal, or is it all of the above????
Yeah, and add that frickne element of being embarassed to death, or humiliated to even have to ask to get the std panel done....is just another smack in the face, and will definitely add momentum, to that sickening merry-go-round, which shouldn\'t even be called that, cuz it ain\'t merry in the least! Just gets ya sick to your stomach, it does!
jAww, Daddy is my hero, just love that man! What he says is so true: about taking a leap, into blind faith??? Wow, always so dang smart, he is!
But one thing for sure, we lost the \"innocence\" of thinking this marriage is for real, and \"happily ever after\". For sure, for sure, we wanted to be that couple, and so we lost the innocence, and it was robbed from us, almost as bad as a \"rape\". Not too many people talk about that component. Sure they talk about the \"loss of love\", loss of the dream, loss of respect, loss of stability, etc. lottsa lottsa losses.
Then we wonder why we are so angry at times? It is akin to being robbed or raped, whichever way one wants to think of it! It was an intrusion, it took away our peace and serenity, our old perception of who we thought we were, he was, and our marriage was. So yeah, Kansas, you are smart to notice this new, and differnt you. Cole has addressed this in some journals, I think, but also on the board for sure. Maybe you can ask him to connect you to some of his previous stuff, cuz to me, it was spot on, and helpful.
So now you are trying to figure out who the hell, the new you is, and who the hell the new H is , and where it all will land? Again, that\'s why i really do think a huge percentage of the betrayed are experiencing post traumatic stress disorder, or very dang close to it! I can\'t wait til your therapist returns from his vacation, should be next week or so????? How dare he have a life, when you need him? lol
Hey girl. I think that sometimes the infidelity board can be kind of triggery. Just a couple of weeks ago there was a (well meaning) post about moving on after an infidelity. It really wasn\'t meant for rebuilders to read it but I did anyway and got kind of melancholy and thought the grass was maybe greener on the other side.
Then I listen to people like L,Hill, Mick, Mrs. Chief,Imdealing, and it doesn\'t sound like it was a whole hell of a lot easier for them either. Some of those mentioned and a few that I don\'t know about weren\'t even given the opportunity to rebuild.
I seem to come to many new conclusions about this but this is my latest: There really are no guarantees in life. I don\'t think my H is cheating and I don\'t think he\'ll do it again but I can never be sure. If he does, even if he gets better at hiding it, I\'ll find out. Of this I have no doubt. I will absolutely not stay if there is a second time-of this I have no doubt either. If that happens then I feel like I won\'t have any unfinished business. That\'s OK with me too. I gave it my best shot and if it doesn\'t work out then it wasn\'t meant to be.
That being said, I don\'t think that it\'s a bad idea at all to be prepared for taking care of yourself if you need to leave. Maybe that can be what takes your mind off of things now. Finding something that you can do that would give you enough money to take care of yourself. I understand that you don\'t want to do anything that takes time away from your husband but maybe there is a compromise there.
Sending support and {{{{{Hugs}}}}}}