Fear
I am so tierd of being afraid, and feeling that nothing I do is good enough and I hate that when I try things and they dont work out I just giv up. I often feel like why even try anymore? Have I not been told enough , That fat girls cant be pretty, loseing weight is to hard, people will make fun of you and you WILL fall, you WILL fail. Part of me feels these words are true and then there is the part of me that seeks beauty, The burning passion to skate, paint, draw , read and write and the urge to dance and feel the freedome of movement. Its there but I have been so trapped by what I have grown up beliveing that I cant even seem to get out of bed on most days if not for my pets I wouldent.
I am afraid to fall on the ice, I am afaird that they will make fun of my body, I am fraid they will look at me, I am afraid that I want them to look at me , I am afraid of everything ... but most of all I am afraid that I will never be what I want to be, stuck here to sit in this darkness forever feeling , Fat,Ugly,Worthless,Stupid and Incappable of acheving the dreams I wish so badly to bring to reality.
Replies
(((Galaxy))) I am sorry you are feeling so much fear. Courage isn't not being afraid, it's being afraid and doing something anyway. Those negative thoughts you have about your self worth are WRONG. That is what others have made you feel , not the truth.
You express your self in written form well. It's great that you are here at DS where you can write and express yourself and read and see others who feel what you are feeling and that you are not as alone as you may feel.
I would suggest some counseling if you haven't already considered it. They can really help people to unmask that kind of negative self thought and help relearn more positive thought processes.
If I were you, I would put on headphones and blast music and a dark pair of sun glasses and get dressed and hit that ice. Just concentrate on your music and look at the ice and your feet and ignore the surrounding people if you don't see them and can't hear them who cares what they say and do.
if you can , don't let the negative behavior of other people steal from you what you love to do. You might have to think about doing something like this for a while to work up the energy and brave to do it. that's okay. it's the process. all of us here are working our way up to things.
and you know what, sometimes we try them and it don't work out so well. that's when I spend a day sulking and begin all over again.
when it is a success, the good feel is worth all the effort and it helps motivate me to want to try for more good feels.
that's just me and everyone is different, but i am sharing just in case it can help you somehow
triple hugs as you work your work in progress
Thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement!
I have gone to counseling before I recently have been contemplating going again, I stopped because there where only a two in my small town and both of them where negative experiences .
I Always take my headphones with me when i go out in case I feel over whelmed but I had not thought about using them for skating! that is a great idea and I think I will try to get the courage up to try it (thank you!)
I am also trying to build the nerve to post my art,writing and recordings publicly as well
Hugs back to you! thank you very much !
triple hugs~