Fears

Well I got out of the hospital yesterday and I'm back to work.  I really didn't want to come to work today.  I just wanted to stay home and sleep and never have to work again but that doesn't pay the bills.  I still have my fears that my anxiety medicine won't work and I'll end up back home feeling sick and back in the hospital.  My parents just have this big look of hope and happiness in my face that I'm here at work.  I'm working hard not to let them down.  There's a great deal for me to lose here in not battling this anxiety.  The root cause at least I think for me is that I don't like being a teacher anymore but sometimes I think it's just my brain trying to trick me into becoming a quitter and I don't want that.  There have been some hours in the day where I've been fine.  There's no anxiety or depression.  Right now, for instance, I don't feel any anxiety about anything and everything seems normal.  I just want to keep on fighting the good fight and to keep working.  Keep being a teacher.  It's not a stressful job, has good hours, good pay and not hard to do.  Why is my mind so much against it?  Maybe I want to be a better teacher and reach my kids a little better so that they learn more than just the minimum.  I copied AdventureGuide's anxiety program and I'm going to follow that to see what happens.  I'm going to Dallas tomorrow for the BPA trip and I'm happy that I am able to take the kids.  I did not fail at that goal.  I'm going to be strong and nothing can stop be from doing what I want to do in life.  It hasn't stopped me in the past and won't stop me now.  Thanks and God bless!