Father's Day, "The Talk," History and detaching challenges
Well, I thought it was done per my last entry. Instead, my Ex texted me Monday to "let me know" that "the invite was from your son, and you have hurt him." I broke NC, a mistake, and replied that she had not said the invite was from my son, and that I was uncomfortable going as it was likely she'd be talking to her family about how great new guy is, etc. She replied that I would never have to worry about being uncomfortable, as I would not be receiving any further invites. Pretty caustic and ultimatum-like if you ask me. I said I't think about it if my son really wanted me to be there with his cousins, but then she said that "No it is done. I was trying to uphold a family tradition, but whereas I was comfortable, now that I understand your thought process, I'm no longer comfortable with you coming."
So, I see how breaking NC sets me back. I went from a healthy decision to take care of myself and not attend, to ultimatums and being dis-invited - her choice that I won't be there, and I'm the bad guy that hurt my son. I was really upset by this and had a couple of bad nights before this forum again helped me see how manipulative she is and how she gaslights and blame shifts and generally messes with my head. The fact is, I didn't want to go there, and I'm not going there. If anyone hurt my son, she did by planning with him without consulting me or letting me know, and by presuming to plan my Father's day activity for me.
I went back to NC and stopped texting her, and now (Thursday) she sent a text "I have finished two more chapters of the book. I can read them to you, or if you are uncomfortable, I can email them to you."
She wrote a series of novels in her spare time, mostly while we were still married, and agreed that I would get half the profit from sales of the novels if I proof-read, edit, format and e-publish them for her, and build and maintain her author web site. She always reads me her chapters as she completes them, and I give her feedback. Stuff like this makes NC very difficult for me and messes with my emotions. She discarded me. We are done. I need to move on. I need space to heal and I need to move forward. Yet, I get something like this and remember all those nights laying next to her in bed with her reading to me. I miss her reading to me, sappy as that sounds. I miss the scent of her perfume. I miss the softness of her hair. And on down that rabbit hole I go.
However, I don't think it is a good idea to see her or let her read to me - even over the phone. I haven't seen her or physically spoken to her since May, and have been eliminating text contact except around my son.
Then, I think this is positive, I'm starting to get a bit angry for the first time, and the bitter part of me wants to reply "I no longer have any interest in reading your f'ing books," although she is on the final four chapters of this fourth novel. I suppose I should ask her to email it. Of course, the books are about strong female leads that are priestesses to Heavenly mother, and have fantastic sex with angels, and ultimately even take multiple husbands, human and angelic. The books challenge convention and explore redemption for fallen angels, etc. To me, they are insightful to her fictional fantasy scenarios and how she has treated me over the past couple of years, how she reconnected with her school best friend and spent hours on the phone with him, told me she was in love with him, divorced me, then said she wasn't in love with him. reconnected with me twice over the next 13 months, returning to intimacy, then the last time took up with another guy the same week she was with me, etc. We had also taken her mother in to live with us on hospice that December (2013), and her FL guy had his father die in his home, so they really comforted each other. I'll always carry the guilt of being home with her mother the day she died. She got delusional and told me I was trying to kill her, and refused to take her medications all day. When my ex got home, she finally convinced her to take some morphine, but it was too little too late and she passed away that night. My ex does not blame me for this, but I blame myself. Anyway, back to my son and Father's Day. I did have a talk with my son last night about me not knowing he had wanted me to come there for Father's day, about why that would be difficult for me, and related it to how I wasn't invited to the Mother's day hike/picnic with them. I stressed that it has nothing to do with him, that I love him very much and always will, and that we will start a new Father's day tradition and go fishing together.
I told him this was "adult stuff," but I was honest and felt he did need to know why I've been sad and that it does hurt me that his mother left me and chose someone new, without blaming her or going into details. I also let him know that privacy is important, and I don't want to hear his mother's activities or about the new guy unless he ever does anything my son feels is inappropriate or makes him uncomfortable. I told him this is part of him being a respectful person. My son said, "Dad, she is already telling the whole family and everyone she knows all about [new guy], so I don't think she'd need to do that at the BBQ." I should be detached, but this did hurt me anyway.
I don't want my son to be my comforter or anything, it is not his role, so I just reinforced why it was no longer appropriate for me to go to her events at her home, that Father's Day was not her event other than with her father, and that I loved him and want to spend time with him in our new home (my apartment), and doing things together. It was a difficult talk. It is so hard for an 11 YO to understand that I don't want to hear about my ex or new guy and why our holidays will be different now, but how much I still love him and look forward to time with him.
For the record in my journal, the past week has been an extreme set back. It has been so painful, and I struggle with detaching. I spent a few nights obsessing over my ex and new guy on the nights they arranged to spend alone together by getting rid of my son, her having sex with him, the accidental voice mail she left me so I heard them all talking and how he is now a part of my son's life after only a few weeks. I wonder if she really was seeing him or in an emotional relationship much earlier than she is sharing, because this just seems to fast - going from making love with me and telling me she loves me one day, and dating him that same week, and moving to a sexual relationship and spending time at the house with my son...
I got so distraught that I was not sleeping at all, and I had thoughts of harming myself, except I would never do that to my son. I lost my father at nine years old, and I would never want my son to go through that. This situation is hard enough for him. Yet, that was the depth of my mental state.
Call it a pity party, pathetic, poor me - Despondent is a good word to describe it. "I've been replaced in a blink of an eye - tossed out like yesterday's trash..." Cue Alanis Morissette "It was a slap in the face, how quickly I was replaced..." yada, yada.
Then, I started getting angry, really for the first time since this all started. I began reflecting on the way I've been treated these past years - the probable lies I was told when I found her packing new lingerie for her trip to FL, but it was only because it made her feel good about herself, nothing was going to happen, telling me she was in love with him, but nothing happened and they just decided to be best friends, then staying with him three more times, 10 days each time. Using me and manipulating me as I played doormat, weak and pathetic, doing anything and everything she wanted - grocery shopping for her, mowing her lawn, taking her on errands, getting her Christmas tree and putting up for her while she was in FL with that "best friend" because she was afraid all the good trees would be gone, cleaning her gutters, putting the pump in the waterfall for her, being available at a seconds notice at her beck and call - only when it suited her or she wanted someone to walk or ride with, etc. I list this out, and there are many, many more things, to remind myself how lost I was and how I even stopped respecting myself. I was used - plain and simple. That does make me angry now.
So, today I'm starting to come back to a better place. I am still profoundly sad over the loss of who she used to be, over the loss of my future dreams and the idea of marriage and being a husband and all that I thought was so important in life. I do have my relationship with my son, and I'm grateful for that. It is where all my energy will be focused. I love him.
I know I can eventually get to indifferent about my ex, and it is part of letting go and detaching. I know it is taking longer than it should, and I think that is related to all the mixed messages and manipulation - go away, not wait come here, I love you - um, no go away again I love someone else...
Someday, I hope to be happy again. Looking back at my journal, I see I was happy months ago, although that may have been at the time we were together again, yet I see it is possible. Reading posts from others gives me hope that I will get there, and gives me guidance on things like NC, no more Mr. Nice Guy and how important it is to take time to find myself, love myself and respect myself again. I know this is a journey, and I hope a tailwind comes soon and speeds up the process.
So, I see how breaking NC sets me back. I went from a healthy decision to take care of myself and not attend, to ultimatums and being dis-invited - her choice that I won't be there, and I'm the bad guy that hurt my son. I was really upset by this and had a couple of bad nights before this forum again helped me see how manipulative she is and how she gaslights and blame shifts and generally messes with my head. The fact is, I didn't want to go there, and I'm not going there. If anyone hurt my son, she did by planning with him without consulting me or letting me know, and by presuming to plan my Father's day activity for me.
I went back to NC and stopped texting her, and now (Thursday) she sent a text "I have finished two more chapters of the book. I can read them to you, or if you are uncomfortable, I can email them to you."
She wrote a series of novels in her spare time, mostly while we were still married, and agreed that I would get half the profit from sales of the novels if I proof-read, edit, format and e-publish them for her, and build and maintain her author web site. She always reads me her chapters as she completes them, and I give her feedback. Stuff like this makes NC very difficult for me and messes with my emotions. She discarded me. We are done. I need to move on. I need space to heal and I need to move forward. Yet, I get something like this and remember all those nights laying next to her in bed with her reading to me. I miss her reading to me, sappy as that sounds. I miss the scent of her perfume. I miss the softness of her hair. And on down that rabbit hole I go.
However, I don't think it is a good idea to see her or let her read to me - even over the phone. I haven't seen her or physically spoken to her since May, and have been eliminating text contact except around my son.
Then, I think this is positive, I'm starting to get a bit angry for the first time, and the bitter part of me wants to reply "I no longer have any interest in reading your f'ing books," although she is on the final four chapters of this fourth novel. I suppose I should ask her to email it. Of course, the books are about strong female leads that are priestesses to Heavenly mother, and have fantastic sex with angels, and ultimately even take multiple husbands, human and angelic. The books challenge convention and explore redemption for fallen angels, etc. To me, they are insightful to her fictional fantasy scenarios and how she has treated me over the past couple of years, how she reconnected with her school best friend and spent hours on the phone with him, told me she was in love with him, divorced me, then said she wasn't in love with him. reconnected with me twice over the next 13 months, returning to intimacy, then the last time took up with another guy the same week she was with me, etc. We had also taken her mother in to live with us on hospice that December (2013), and her FL guy had his father die in his home, so they really comforted each other. I'll always carry the guilt of being home with her mother the day she died. She got delusional and told me I was trying to kill her, and refused to take her medications all day. When my ex got home, she finally convinced her to take some morphine, but it was too little too late and she passed away that night. My ex does not blame me for this, but I blame myself. Anyway, back to my son and Father's Day. I did have a talk with my son last night about me not knowing he had wanted me to come there for Father's day, about why that would be difficult for me, and related it to how I wasn't invited to the Mother's day hike/picnic with them. I stressed that it has nothing to do with him, that I love him very much and always will, and that we will start a new Father's day tradition and go fishing together.
I told him this was "adult stuff," but I was honest and felt he did need to know why I've been sad and that it does hurt me that his mother left me and chose someone new, without blaming her or going into details. I also let him know that privacy is important, and I don't want to hear his mother's activities or about the new guy unless he ever does anything my son feels is inappropriate or makes him uncomfortable. I told him this is part of him being a respectful person. My son said, "Dad, she is already telling the whole family and everyone she knows all about [new guy], so I don't think she'd need to do that at the BBQ." I should be detached, but this did hurt me anyway.
I don't want my son to be my comforter or anything, it is not his role, so I just reinforced why it was no longer appropriate for me to go to her events at her home, that Father's Day was not her event other than with her father, and that I loved him and want to spend time with him in our new home (my apartment), and doing things together. It was a difficult talk. It is so hard for an 11 YO to understand that I don't want to hear about my ex or new guy and why our holidays will be different now, but how much I still love him and look forward to time with him.
For the record in my journal, the past week has been an extreme set back. It has been so painful, and I struggle with detaching. I spent a few nights obsessing over my ex and new guy on the nights they arranged to spend alone together by getting rid of my son, her having sex with him, the accidental voice mail she left me so I heard them all talking and how he is now a part of my son's life after only a few weeks. I wonder if she really was seeing him or in an emotional relationship much earlier than she is sharing, because this just seems to fast - going from making love with me and telling me she loves me one day, and dating him that same week, and moving to a sexual relationship and spending time at the house with my son...
I got so distraught that I was not sleeping at all, and I had thoughts of harming myself, except I would never do that to my son. I lost my father at nine years old, and I would never want my son to go through that. This situation is hard enough for him. Yet, that was the depth of my mental state.
Call it a pity party, pathetic, poor me - Despondent is a good word to describe it. "I've been replaced in a blink of an eye - tossed out like yesterday's trash..." Cue Alanis Morissette "It was a slap in the face, how quickly I was replaced..." yada, yada.
Then, I started getting angry, really for the first time since this all started. I began reflecting on the way I've been treated these past years - the probable lies I was told when I found her packing new lingerie for her trip to FL, but it was only because it made her feel good about herself, nothing was going to happen, telling me she was in love with him, but nothing happened and they just decided to be best friends, then staying with him three more times, 10 days each time. Using me and manipulating me as I played doormat, weak and pathetic, doing anything and everything she wanted - grocery shopping for her, mowing her lawn, taking her on errands, getting her Christmas tree and putting up for her while she was in FL with that "best friend" because she was afraid all the good trees would be gone, cleaning her gutters, putting the pump in the waterfall for her, being available at a seconds notice at her beck and call - only when it suited her or she wanted someone to walk or ride with, etc. I list this out, and there are many, many more things, to remind myself how lost I was and how I even stopped respecting myself. I was used - plain and simple. That does make me angry now.
So, today I'm starting to come back to a better place. I am still profoundly sad over the loss of who she used to be, over the loss of my future dreams and the idea of marriage and being a husband and all that I thought was so important in life. I do have my relationship with my son, and I'm grateful for that. It is where all my energy will be focused. I love him.
I know I can eventually get to indifferent about my ex, and it is part of letting go and detaching. I know it is taking longer than it should, and I think that is related to all the mixed messages and manipulation - go away, not wait come here, I love you - um, no go away again I love someone else...
Someday, I hope to be happy again. Looking back at my journal, I see I was happy months ago, although that may have been at the time we were together again, yet I see it is possible. Reading posts from others gives me hope that I will get there, and gives me guidance on things like NC, no more Mr. Nice Guy and how important it is to take time to find myself, love myself and respect myself again. I know this is a journey, and I hope a tailwind comes soon and speeds up the process.
Replies
Thinking the tailwind will speed up process by sticking to NC. So hard to do though until you we feel strong. She sounds so manipulative and still knows how to use you. Hope you get stronger soon.