fast

So, I gave up tv about 1 1/2 weeks ago I guess kind of for lent , even though I am not catholic. Jesus I guess fasted for what 40 days , I can give up tv. I planned on giving it up anyhow, not that I watched alot but was a quiet filler. Get this, I enjoy the quiet. Sitting here listening to the birds chirp and being ok with the quiet. It was very disturbing and even kind of hurt at first but am easing into it.     I think that I have been off meds for about 18 mo. I know I may have done that prematurely since last march I was sitting at home cut off from the world and I have not really admitted it but suicidal.I do not totally trust it but I am feling better than I have for years. My old playful self.My new friends have never seen this side of me. I am the oldest in my group chronolgically but just as young in acting sometimes.I hope this depression was not Gods plan because I do not want nor think I could make it through another. I gave about three yrs. up to it  and is taking time to rebuild.I am sure there are many positives and a new perspective gained but OUCH.I have also been talking about a lot of foundational childhood trauma in therapy. The depressin took me back to that. I could talk about it before but was very numb to it.Now I actually have feelings attached to it all. That is probably a really good thing, at least more natural.