farfella

Today, the only thing I can say with true genuine feeling is that I wish to not be here. I see how others feel self worth, I see how and where it comes from. I can not achieve it. I need someone else to care, on their own, without prompting, without it being generic and routine.  I need someone to truely care. That just does not exist for me.  I am jealous of others, oh yes I am jealous... They have no idea what it's like to question existence, they have no concept of feeling second to everything. I ache for genuine effort. To feel that I am worth it to someone... Sadly I am beyond it all now.  I will fight all attempts because I do not believe in it. I've learned to love the abuse of neglect. I know deep down that I require too much work for anyone now. I am a project that nobody sees potential in, nobody sees the reward in me. And I agree, I'm convinced. If I express then I get mocked, I get the very struggle I admit to thrown in my face.  And I'm expected to handle it, to say nothing, to accept it, to love my abuse. I have rage, I have anger... But I am expected to swallow it all.  My needs are not met, my struggles are ignored, my pain is mocked. I am in hell. Hope is leaving me by the moment, I feel no empathy for others. Let me die, let me pass into nothing if that is what awaits me. My despair is too great for me. I'm gone, I'm all the way gone.