Far from the madding crowd

It is 8:21am,and I am somewhat annoyed.I have been awake since 5:30am,and I sat here and wrote a journal entry which,when I tried to save it,disappeared into the great black hole of cyberspace never to be seen again.No matter journal,we will begin again for it gives me a certain amount of masochistic pleasure to put my mental ramblings into words.I retired early last evening but awoke with annoying regularity every two hours or so,despite my best efforts to remain asleep.Finally,I admitted defeat,and dragged my unwilling body to my computer,where,for the last three hours,I have been typing furiously,only to see my latest literary efforts swallowed up  by the Gods of the cyber realm.In a time long gone,this would have provoked a furious reaction from the man I used to be:I would have ranted and raved about what a waste of time that was and faulty computers and incompetently run sites and such.Today,I understand that not everything runs like clockwork,not even my body;and that time is a commodity I have in abundance,despite my wish for it to be otherwise.On my way to my chair here this morning,I unwittingly caught sight of a reflection in the bathroom mirror as I haphazardly doused my face in water in an attempt to wash the last vestiges of weariness from my soul.The image staring back from the mirror was a man I failed to recognize.His full beard flecked with grey,yet his hair still the same dark brown of his youth and far too long for a man of fifty seven years of age.It was the eyes that held me in an unwilling vice like grip,leaving me unable to tear my gaze away despite my best efforts to do so.This man once had bright green eyes that sparkled with vitality and an incredible zest for life,and a mischief that thrilled his children so.The eyes staring back at me were devoid of life,with a sadness and a light like a reflection in a muddy pool.There was an emptiness that threatened to overwhelm the owner,and an expression of a soul in pain that didn't have the sense to lie down and let nature take it's course.How I long for the man,and the eyes that used to be.When we are young,we have no conception or understanding of mortality,we are fearless and immune to death,but the ravages of time are a patient and merciless enemy,destroying the fortifications we build in our youth,leaving us defenseless and vulnerable.This morning,my pain level is severe,and I take no pleasure in moving even slowly,but it could be worse.I have been described as a stubborn old bear of a man,and,if I'm being ruthlessly honest,the description fits me like a well worn and much loved cardigan,but beneath the gruffness and surly exterior,there is an empathy and compassion for others that is rarely displayed but always felt.Although my pain level today could be described as akin to laying on a hot bed of coals,other weary pilgrims on life's troubled highway are oft times asked to bear hotter coals than I.My prayers and my heart ache with sadness and unconditional love for these poor,unfortunate individuals.May this day grant them a modicum of peace,a whisper of hope,and may the God they choose to worship walk with them,and may their pain be eased by angels gently cradling their tired bodies in their arms.It is in moments of solitude like this that I often wonder how many people read my journal,for if there are,I earnestly hope that they derive a little pleasure,or hope,or peace from my ramblings;for if it is just between me and my journal,then perhaps it is a futile,but most enjoyable nonetheless,exercise for this tired old bear.However journal,I must away,to face the day ahead,whatever that may bring;and to decide once again,whether to remain a part of it at it's close.