Family Stuff. from Money, Stress, standing up for myself. needing to share this.

Hi angel friends, good morning :) i need to write about some things :) i first want to say, i'm not complaining about my situation, i'm writing this, as a way for it to be theraputic for me, which is what our DS journals are about :) This is not  me complaining,thank you for all of your Positive feedback :) i'm making improvements, and also recently stood up for myself that made me very proud :) after a big week of birthday's, i would like to take some time to write about some things, that will help me very much :) i'm staying strong, and keeping strong for everyone, and focused on lots of good health, peaceful joys, and times to look forward too :)

You all always give me a lot of hope, strength, and keeping me moving forward each day with lots of dedication and determination to make the most of each day :) i've had some things going on ,sometimes i want to write ,but would rather share about some moments of the day that are spirit soaring ,but every once in a whle i need to write, as lots builds up inside me, and it's good to write :) writing is theraputic for me :) i've been talking with my mom ,and Holly often :) i wanted to share about an experience i had last wednesday, and how i needed to stand up for myself, and i did. i stood up to my older brother Charlie ,i needed to have some words with him. he crossed a line last week, and i decided i had enough of it.

When we arrived at Mikey's birthday party last wednesday, Holly and i were sticking close together, sitting next to eachother. Jenn asked Holly if she'd like to paint the kids faces :) Holly was very excited about it :) during this time, my brother Charlie walked over to Jenn's and family's home. he lives right next door. Charlie was drinking. first, it's very disrespectful of him to show up drunk, but with it being a kids birthday party too, it's just completely disrespectful,and it's the #1 reason he's not been invited to many birthday's, gatherings over the years. i was taking pictures of Holly painting the kids faces, and my brother Charlie started picking on one of the kids who is Mikey's friend, to get his face painted. the kid is Mikey's friend from school, the kid said no, so Charlie then began to nag me. he said, "come on Chris, get your face painted,with the Redskins logo", he kept at it, so i said, "how about you get a big checkered nascar flag painted on your face. i let it go, but he kept nagging, and nagging me.

so i say, "no Charlie, they don't have burgundy paint", and then my dad unfortunately chimes in, and says,"Charlie knows how to mix colors from his printing days", (he and my dad worked at thames printing years ago here in our city). i couldn't believe , my dad egged him on, and was complimenting him ,about his paint/coloring skills. i was ticked off, as Charlie was harassing me in front of everyone. i turned to my mom, and told her, "he better stop", and my mom got up, she went over to talk with Jenn, Holly finished painting the kids faces, and my mom and jenn came over, they completely understood my feelings, as Charlie gets like this, when he's drunk, he harasses people. Jenn and my mom invited Holly and i to watch the kids play the games in the yard, to kinda cool things down a bit. Charlie ended up leaving the party, he walked home next door. he knew he had upset me,and i also was disappointed in my dad for egging him on.my thinking was, "my dad, has the nerve, to egg charlie on, and then praises him for his color making skills, but where's my respect, as i've helped my dad financially in recent years, always there, but i get the judgemental feelings, he judges me, but doesn't tell his older son to cool it, i was really upset. once Charlie left the party,i felt more relaxed. i'm proud of myself though ,i showed great respect for Mikey's birthday party,to Jenn, family, showing, in those heated moments, i kept calm ,relaxed, didn'tmake a scene, and i hope Jenn is able to realize,how i was being treated, and how well i handled it, she should follow me as an example and continue to learn about how she handled last July's incident here at home ,very wrongly, and she should follow my path of how i kept it all about Mikey's birthday. Holly and my mom were so proud of me! :)

my mom got all over my dad later on about him encouraging Charlie, and egging him. i texted my brother Charlie the next morning ,i really let him have it with my words. i told him as a reminder, just incase he drunkenly forgot, that he had harassed me, and how would he feel, that if next time there's a gathering ,i bring up all his short-comings and his embarassement he's brought himself, from all of the times he made a fool out of himself for being drunk in front of everyone. i told him ,to not harass me again ,and i also told him, Holly doesn't want tobe around people who drunk, as she divorced an alcoholic years ago. Charlie apologized tome, we're cool, but he still needs to show, that he's not gonna do it again. my dad denies egging Charlie on. my dad disappoints me a lot lately, to tell you the truth, i believe he's been jealous of things, l ike how i've been able to help family, even helping him, and he's been judgemental toward me, putting our yard down. i've busted my back this gardening season, to keep our lawn green, it's the greenest large in our neighborhood, yet he points out a few brown spots on the lawn. it upsets me. my brothers, sisters, they haven't helped my dad like i have in recent years, from car/insurance bills, to keeping our utilities going, it's been me that's helped, and Holly helps monthly too, and no matter how much i've helped, Charlie, Bobby, Jenn, Lisa, they all get more respect, they've helped less, sometimes no help at all, and i have, and i end up getting the short end of the stick, with no respect. i don't want to be treated any better than anyone , i just want to be treated equal.

Money Situations. i'm feeling very used, and not well about this, it actually makes me feel sick to my stomach. recently i shared about how i helped my family. Jenn's been paying me back slowly, $50 per week on friday's, Lisa borrowed me, and is paying me slowly back, $100 per week and gets a blueberry iced coffee for me on tuesday's. Alyssa also has been borrowing more. with Alyssa, she pays me back in full amount, then a day or two later, borrows it right back from me, and she does, get us iced coffees, foods at the store, baking friday supplies, but it's really getting to me, when my mom talks to me about how she's upset, about how Alyssa is acting like she's rich, and getting to do a lot of things, like going to amusement parks, and fancy places. it makes me feel like my mom is upset with me, she says she isn't, just that she wishes people would leave me alone when it comes to money. i helped Alyssa a lot this past week,with $950. the kids birthday's. ,and their trips to the amusement park ,.and going on go-karts on saturday. Alyssa sometimes borrows from her husband Aj (who still isn't very polite, and didn't even say hi to Holly and i yesterday at the birthday party), it makes me upset, that Alyssa may be paying Aj back with some of my money. i'm just feeling very used, and feel like things are being taken away. There was a time recently, that Lisa needed money, and she said she wouldn't go to mcdonalds anymore if i didn't help her. that was very upsetting. i still felt in my heart, to help, but it's like she exortored me there. she's now, working at mcdonalds, and it's not gonna allow for us to go there on tuesday mornings, i'm ok with it, as we'll adapt, but she's paying me back very slow. i helped her keep her cell phone going (as she was gonna let it go), and my dad is on the same service, so i helped him, by saving their service, and i get disrespect from my dad at the party last week, i get no appreciate, and no respect. i also helped Lisa keep her car on the road, with a $500 payment.

i'm done!!!i'm just done, i'm not doing this anymore!!! Alyssa owes me $950, Lisa owes me, $1200, and Jenn owes me $470. it's just way too much. i texted Alyssa, about things this morning. Lisa's been acting very cold/strange/angry since she's began working at mcdonalds too. we're not sure why. she got this $500 check from glasses refund, she says she can't cash it, maybe that's why she's made, but she also doesn't plan to give me that $500. i still have to settle, for $100 per week. i'm sick, of taking on too many people's responsibilities in my family. i'm amazed, at how i've been able to keep focused, for this long ,and to be able to help friends, family, and to not bring this into my journals about these stresses, but sometimes i just feel,family who's used me, doesn't deserve to be in my journals, but this is too much and i really need to write about it. i told my mom ,and Holly, i just want all of my money back, and then when people ask, i'm just gonna keep silent, and that will be my answer of no. when i've said no in the past, my mom vouches, begs for them, and i told her, i can't be hearing that, as it makes my momemtum of not loaning money anymore, not be as strong as it can be. i want my mind to be clear. i told Holly earlier, i don't deserve any of this anxiety, stress, or losing sleep about it, it's wrong, and i'm done with it. i'm really done. i did sponser, pay literally, for yesterday's birthday party, everything, from gifts, to foods, cupcakes, the money i loan alyssa was for that. i know it was, and probably some money she paid back to Aj. i'm just done with this circle, and it feels good to write about it. You all are wonderful dear angel friends,i know you all want me to have peace, relaxation, and to be able to focus on me. family coming after me ,for money, has me refrain from spending much on myself. it really has. i earned that money,and i never spend that much money on myself.coins, stamps, collectibles. i sometimes want togo wild and buy a $3.50 iced coffee, but i don't. i'm gonna heal from this, i'm not gonna get used anymore. i just can't,and i want my peace back. Thank you all, for your continued support,  for being here, and for being wonderful friends <3

i'm gonna do  my best to enjoy today, and i hope you all have a nice day too :)