Family losses

Hey. Not much going on. More of the same. Doing "okay".

My aunt died yesterday. Touched us all. She was a wonderful woman. That generation of my family is almost all gone.
I was glad to have a chance to visit her during her three -day stay at the hospital. We were going to church when just by chance her daughter was driving by and she stopped to tell us that my aunt was sick and we might want to stop at the hosptial to see her, and right after Mass we did. And then Tuesday I was in the neighborhood and my wife suggested I visit while I had an hour to kill, so I did, but at the time I had forgot that she was there.

Is that the error of "living in the moment" that I am trying so feebly to adopt?
I am merely trying to stay in the present tense, to stop all this "if I had..." daydreaming. But I confess I have these horse blinders on. that hasn't changed.

anyway so I was visiting her on Tuesday, her grandson calls the room, who lives 2 hours away and asks me if he needs to come down. the nurse had said that the doctor says she will be okay, so I tells him that message.
She dies early that morning, he didn't get there in time. I feel bad about that. So I talked to his mom and she knew all about it. She told me it was okay, since he did get to talk to her when I was there.

So yesterday was weird. My doughter had a homework assignment that required an updated version of Shockwave, which took me about 90 minutes to do, and both kids needed the computer so I felt frazzled and impatient by the time I declared victory. I had things to do. I made plans. Which is why I don't make plans. but it all got done so I should stop bitching about getting things done. But I do anyway. See, I am still bitching. I ranted (though not angry this time) about how everyone needs me (which is supposed to be a GOOD feeling) but it seems I can't get return on it. It could by my dysthymic lack of feeling that may affect this.

So I offered, at dinnertime, to take the boy fishing Saturday morning, and he is balking. The girl, who, if she was Native American, her name would be, "She who puts lures in trees" was all into going. I had just bought these hard-to-find lures that I have seen work very very well, and I'll be damned if I have them for only a few hours. But i might have to be an adult about that.

Wudever. Let me go suffer though my existence today. Ciao.



Sorry for your loss of your Aunt, buddy! So hard that you have to deal with passing on the message from the doctor - we are a bit prone to assume medics are always right: so are some of the medics! Still, you have no blame, as I\'m sure you know in your head.

Forgetting stuff and being in the present moment? I think living in the present moment takes adjusting to. Planning future things and remembering things can be part of it but it\'s a big life swing so you can cut yourself some slack for not being able to be and do everything at once. Besides, memory difficulties and depression are cousins. Also, most people forget things a lot of the time. You\'re doing well, buddy!!

Everybody needing you is not a good feeling - if someone tells you it is, they have issues. Feeling valued and knowing that you contribute something to the world by being and doing is a good thing. You know, there\'s a story about Jesus: he\'s visiting a town and when people hear he\'s there, the whole town flocks to him and he is swamped. The next morning, he creeps away before sunrise to be alone. Lo and behold, his friends go in search of him and when they find him, they say \'Everyone\'s looking for you!\' Jesus replies....................\'Let\'s go somewhere else!\'

Everyone needing you is pressure not pleasure. Or maybe I see things in a skewy way..........

Go well buddy - you\'re doing great xx