family issues. i've been stressed to the max, and need to write

hi angel friends, i know it's late, but there's some things going on, and i really need to write here. DS has always been a great foundation of comforting support for me over the years. there's some things going on, that are tough for me to write about. sometimes we can be pushed to an edge, and then pushed me that sends us over the edge. it's very easy for me to focus on writing about nature, gardening, times like baking friday,and seasonal times, but it's extremely hard to write about some things, but i know it will be best for me to write here. i've been talking with Holly a lot about things, she knows i've been going through a lot, and have reached a bad level of being treated badly by family, and needing to to write, as writing has always been theraputic for me. i feel stressed, anxious, depressed, frustrated, and i feel used, and emotionally abused. this is gonna help me to write, and help me with healing forward. i've had some chest pains from a muscle/knot in my chest, due to the stress brought upon me.

family has been leaning on me too much, for financial issues. it's gotten to be too much, and an issue that happened this evening here at home, really has me disappointed, especially in my parents, who i have helped and helped so much. my family has some bad money issues, and i've been very upset about being leaned on by them, to help with their financial issues, it burdens me, i've never said no to them, but i feel very disrespected, and have been pushed to the edge and beyond. i helped my mom and dad with money yesterday, i've been very proud to help them, especially with some rough times they've had, especially my dad's health in april. i've always been there,and Holly has been there for them too. money issues, are stressful, and talking money has become very extremely stressful to me, to the point where i have to tell family my wishs, of not talking about money with me, because they lean on me too much.

This evening, i went upstairs to prepare dinner for Holly and i, and my mom begins to talk money.i had just helped her and my dad yesterday, with property tax bill they owe money on. i helped, and moved forward into today, i asked my mom, to not talk money, i just wanted to prepare dinner. my mom brings up a mony issue about Lisa, she said, Lisa is gonna be selling her car, maybe 4 to 6,000 dollars. Lisa owes me $500, she re-borrows this money every 3 or 4 weeks, to pay for rent, for her and her boyfriend at their place. i said to my mom,since she brought up the money subject, "so she will be able to pay me my $500, and won't need to re-borrow that money (She pays me $100 every friday, and re-borrows the same money), my mom said, she's gonna pay bills, and getting a more affordable car. Holly sensed i was upset, and anxious, stressed, asked me if i was ok, my mom got bent out of shape, and walked into the living room. my dad was there, and i said, "mom said, Lisa's selling her car, and i hope to get my full $500 back, so she won't need to re-borrow the money", my mom and dad throw it in my face, that 22 years ago, early 2000's, Lisa use too give me $100 around tax time, maybe 3 or 4 years in a row, and all i've done to help her and her boyfriend with their rent, numerous tims,i feel like i've repaid that with my kindness, and generousity in helping many times, them paying rent.i told my dad, that any family gathering where Lisa's boyfriend will be there, Holly and i won't be, as Lisa's boyfriend was harassing me for money for rent last year, and i had to block him on my cell phone.

i told my mom and dad, please, no talk about money, i just want to prepare dinner, and my dad got all out of bounds with things, started mouthing off, and we were like, "hey, what are you all upset about? i'm the one who is being badgered about money). my dad was way out of line, and i believe he owes Holly and i both, an apology. Holly and i came downstairs ,and talked. we're disappointed, Holly helps my parents with money/check each month, i even front them that money, as it takes a couple days for the check to clear, i give it to them, cash,so they can have it right away. all i asked, was to not talk about money, and then disrespected Holly and i. i believe, family just sometimes, sees me as an ATM, or a bank, they don't ask me how i'm doing, they ask me if they can borrow money. it's very rude of them,my parents were very rude this evening.

whether it's family's bills, utilities, rent, cell phone bills, i help, but i get so very disrespected, it's very disheartening, Holly's been worried about my health, both mentally and physically. my parents, Lisa, Alyssa, Jenn, my brother Bobby,they all borrow for me, put their financial issues, burdens upon my heart, and shoulders, all the time, and i've never said no. our dinner got cold this evening, i'm very sickened with anxiety, brought on by my family. all i asked, was to not talk about money, and the issues are brought up. my parents get intertwined, by such little petty family issues, that they lose focus on taking care of our home. they forget to lock our doors in the evenings, they leave appliances on,Holly and i have become the carers of my parents, and our home ,we take care of pretty much everything, just to make sure the home is safe ,secure at home, or any time of the day. i don't like, how my parents will borrow a lot of money from me, including $525 yesterday, for property tax bill, and they already owe me money, and then will go to expensive places, like captain scott's seafood place, great oaks pizza, Chinese food buffet, they spend, and spend, while Holly and i conserve. we're tired of carrying the brunt of the responsbilities, it's affected our inner peace, focus, and we feel used. i've helped, and helped with money, and i get disrespected, not taken seriously,and it's really disappointed me. i've been pushed to my max lately, stressed,, and wish family was better with their money issues. i've been pushing myself, and trying to keep things together, writing, is an outlet and foundation of comfort for me, especially here on DS.

i worry about my health, Holly is worried too. we're doing too much ,and getting treated poorly. it's that bad, when i am signing onto DS, it's after 10pm, and i'm needing to write a journal here. Holly and i value our space, from it all at times,we believe it will be best for us to maybe take a step back, from over-doing, doing too much, to help out, and maybe even staying home this weekend ,to rest, and to rejuvenate our spirits. i try to write a good journal each day, i feel bad , when my writings are off, like, off-balance, it's because i'm stressed, rushing myself, and trying to get back to emotionally breathing. my parents, were very wrong this evening, and an apology is what we are hoping for, because i can't find myself personally talking to them tomorrow, unless they want to apologize, i've been way too go, to be treated this poorly, and all i have done ,is help, and asked to not talk about money,, because it was dinner time .i feel sad, and may need to write more tomorrow, i'm hoping to just be emotionally balanced enough to put together a baking friday for everyone.

i've been helping a lot, and am glad i'm writing about the financial stress my family has put on me. it's unfair, and i just want to be treated equal by them. i will avoid them, if i feel they aren't being respectful. it's been hard, and i'm thankful i'm finally writing, to let everyone know, what i'm sometimes down, or if my writings may appear rushed. i help my parents a lot, i just don't write much about it. when we had a bad pipe, i paid my brother Bobby to fix the pipe, my parents have their new car, because i helped them. i just want them to respect me for the helping i do, i feel it's been earned, but i get treated bad, and it's disheartening, i feel like i need much healing time, i need DS. things aren't perfect, they aren't always well, i'm human and have feelings. i'm tired of my family relying on me for money, re-borrowing, and making me feel like i'm not worth to talk too, other than about money. i will write, share, and hoping to get back onto a good writing track, where my focus, will help my spirited writings flow peacefully again. i'm feeling run down, emotionally spent, stressed,and needing to be hopeful for days ahead, so that i can get my balance back. thank you angel friends for reading. i'll be back online in the morning