Family issues

I don't know why I'm using this journal again. I guess I need some kind of outlet but since what I'm about to say might be cruel I don't want to post it on the main board.
 
Why did my family survive? Survival of the fittest my ass! Our family is fat and stupid, and on my mothers side mentally ill. That makes me fat slow and mentally ill! Thanks a lot family! Why weren't you eaten by dinosaurs? Natural selection and all that? How the hell did you survive? YOU SUCK!
 
Not only are you all fat and stupid but your mean too! Always criticizing every thing every one does and sticking your damn noses where it doesn't belong!
I know this is an old bone, I know I should just let it go! But I can't. I can't let go of all the shit you've done to me. I might not remember specifically any more, but I still remember the feelings. And every time I think I can forgive you, you always fuck it up by saying something hurtful again.
But back the fat and stupid genes. I really meant what I said. I just can't understand why nature didn't take us out of the gene pool already! If I had known I was going to turn into a fat monster like the rest of you damn cows I never would have had kids! My poor kids I know they don't have a snowballs chance in hell when they grow up! Surprisingly they aren't as stupid as the rest of you assholes, but I attribute that to my mom's side of the family as they had intelligence before going crazy. Well not all of them went crazy which is a blessing on there side. But there are no gaurentees. Fuck it I don't even know how to spell that!
Why am I so angry? I'm angry cause I'm fat, and I don't feel it's my fault. I truly believe in the fat gene. Why? cause I really don't eat a lot but I'm still obese. I literally have to starve myself in order to lose weight. That's some fucked up shit. Mean while I watch skinny people eat what ever the hell they want and then turn around and tell me I have no self control and that's why I'm fat! What a laughable joke!
Yes I'm mad! I'm mad cause I always get screwed! When are things going to start looking up again? When am I going to stop getting picked on by predators because of my weight? Jerks! I don't have low self esteem. I'm tired of it. Guys asking for money or pulling out their wieners! I just don't want anything to do with most of them. I have really specific standards and no one as of yet meets them.
If I could go back and pick a different father for my children I would have tried harder to find a tall skinny man so that they have at least half a chance to escape obesity. But it's too late for that now.
My one hope is that they escape this hell that I live in from day to day. The worthless feeling of not working, being fat and plain worthless. struggling just to keep a clean house and barely taking care of adult responsibilities. Feeling stress over the smallest things.I shouldn't feel like this.
Meds only work for a while then they stop working. It makes me want to give up. I'm scared to get better cause I'm scared I'll lose every thing again. I've repeated this cycle of losing every thing over and over again. In the end I can't value material possessions because they are dispensable. (except for this laptop, I can't dispense with that, or my violin.)
 
OK so I only lost every thing I owned twice. But that was still more than enough times. I shouldn't fear it since I've already been through it, but I do. I fear being the loser every one in the family thinks I am any way. Not that anything I"d do would satisfy them. But at least I would know the difference.
Maybe I'm still just trying to find my way. I know I am but I hope I eventually find it before I die so I can rest in peace. I want to die satisfied with my life. Not rolling over in my grave.
FTW!
Sorry for all the swearing.