Falling out of the shell
I arrived to Dublin. Pretty cold for a depressed person. My mum came along which is no more a big deal for me. But things today went way beyond my expectations. First I got a huge role in theatre as 3rd main character, I just received the script so hopefully I will get some mind break. Second before I left middle east one of my big bro confronted me, he said he knows about my past, the rape. I was about to have a heart attack, he said he noticed the changes that been happening in the house because of me, he said that he faced my mum to prevent me from repeating the year and continue the course I want, it took him 4 days secretly to persuid her, she agreed. Then he made a deal with her that if I settles in Dublin again that he will look after me in Dublin. That's y my mum will be staying for a week and returns, but he lied he isn't coming to Dublin he will continue his masters in UK. It told me its the only way to prove them wrong about me. So basically if everything goes according to his plan I will be studying alone for the first time!
The problem is now I am scared!! Of being alone, of my education, from the people around me, I would rather be anti social instead of facing evil again. I am terrified, I can't sleep even though it's something I wanted so badly. My bro told me to take a big break for the whole year, by going through my hobby confidently, by creating a new personality, by traveling around Europe and explor by myself. And by being independant. He stood next to me! Actually all of my other big bros know about the plan but they don't know about my disgrace
What if I fail them. I don't want to fail my brothers now. They just texted me and told me to make them proud and enjoy clear life. But something inside me says to ask my mother to stay with me. Am I. Finally admitting I am a coward, loser, ugly and useless?
The problem is now I am scared!! Of being alone, of my education, from the people around me, I would rather be anti social instead of facing evil again. I am terrified, I can't sleep even though it's something I wanted so badly. My bro told me to take a big break for the whole year, by going through my hobby confidently, by creating a new personality, by traveling around Europe and explor by myself. And by being independant. He stood next to me! Actually all of my other big bros know about the plan but they don't know about my disgrace
What if I fail them. I don't want to fail my brothers now. They just texted me and told me to make them proud and enjoy clear life. But something inside me says to ask my mother to stay with me. Am I. Finally admitting I am a coward, loser, ugly and useless?
Replies
Everyone has self doubt now again. Change the recording in your head! You are strong- look what you\'ve been through. You are a wonderful gifted writer- successful. So you are not useless. Take a breath- it is kinda scary- but the situation with school isn\'t completely new. You are familiar with the campus. Focus on the positives! There are alot. Have faith in yourself. I am proud of you.
Thank you soooo much for your love and support. I just don\'t know how to repay you mum
Change is very scary. I get anxious if they switch the aide I have to somone new. But eventhough it seems overwhelming, now is a good time to work through your issues and be away from you parents. I so glad that you brother took this risk and stood up to you. I think you should go to therapy. Listen there is therapy that doesn\'t have show on your parents insurance. There are alway group therapies. Rape groups that are free. See if you can find something low cost and if you have to pay it would be some cash but not in your parents inurance. I am totally unsocialable, not because I want to be just cause I never go the chance. Do little by little. Small steps at a times.
I think getting a therapy is a great start and idea!!! I will checking for this. Thank you for reminding me