Falling out of love...

Falling out of love with somebody you once loved so dearly is so hard to explain...I use to wonder the same thing and wonder how people could walk away from a marriage... I didnt get it.... But after years of being called names, being backed up against a wall and spit on, having things thrown at me, my clothes ripped from my back, being cursed at for every TV show I watched or anything I did, walking around on eggshells waiting for the next fit of rage, having my children emotionally/verbally and at times physically abused, my feelings changed. When things I had that I loved and cherished were smashed and broken before my eyes for no other reason then to be hurtful to me, my feelings changed. When he was constantly calling down my parents who have been nothing but supportive through our whole marriage, when my Dad passed away suddenly and he wasn't there to support me but instead would say these terrible things about my Dad who never had anything mean or hurtful to say about anybody, my feelings changed. When I was accused of sleeping around everytime I left the house even though I never looked at another man, when I are forced to have sex and he would go about getting off while I laid there and cried because I felt violated and used...my feelings changed. When I began to think that suicide was the only answer, that ending my life was the only way to be free...I knew I had to do something...these things were going on for years and years and only kept getting worse. He would threaten to kill me and my children if I left so I stayed out of fear. The last three years of my marriage I spent locked up in my bedroom when he was home because I was alone with him and I was scared what he might do to me. I stayed for years because I did not want people to know how I was living, I felt like a failure because I couldn't make my marriage work. I always thought if I was prettier, or smarter or thinner, he would love me more. If I could be a better wife, he would love me more. He would watch porn all the time and expect me to act like those women because that is what a woman is suppose to do for her husband no matter how sick it made me feel. I couldn't look in the mirror because I hated that person looking back at me...I hated her because she was a failure as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter. He had me believing all those things. I avoided mirrors for years...I cried myself to sleep every night, wondering why he couldn't love me. What was wrong with me that he couldn't love me? Was I that bad of a person...I bent over backwards to please him but got no respect. I was nothing in his eyes...I was his and he could treat me the way he pleased! Its hard for people to understand if they have never been in that situation...nobody knew how I was living because I would always put on a happy face when I was out among people even though I was dying on the inside. I never wanted anybody to know because some way I felt I deserved to be treated the way I was, that if I was a better person then he would have treated me better. I struggled for years to find that courage to leave...it wasn't an easy thing to do because I always thought maybe just maybe someday he would be the man again that I fell in love with. The man who would make me so happy, the man who would give me shivers just by holding my hand, the man who would make my heart skip a beat everytime I looked into his eyes. The man who would loved and adored me. Somewhere along the way that man changed and the man he became was not at all like the man I married that day so many years ago.... Over the years....I fell out of love

Replies

stevebhopes
stevebhopes

I am so sorry you had to go through such torment for so long. I admire the courage it took for you to leave him. I pray someday you will find someone who will treat you with love and respect.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You certainly have my sympathy for enduring such an unnecessary heartbreaking life. I understand and also guilty of hanging on to a dream instead of the true reality. Glad to see as unpleasant as it is you woke up and can now go after what you truly deserve. Big Hugs dear.