Falling apart.
He broke my bubble. My world that he knew nothing about. Everything that made me happy and was unatainted by him.
Now he gets to know about them- about everything. And its not fair.
He had no right to know about my happiness. To be aware of anything I had. Anything I did, was doing, or will do.
He found a way to break in.
Now my anxiety is so bad I had a breakdown on my walk(that he knows about)- I had to skip my classes(that he now knows I take)- I had to interrupt a friends free time to calm me down(a friend he now knows about)- I'm simply exhausted.
I can't relax. I just panic and sleep. Panic and sleep. Panic and sleep. Panic and sleep. Panic and sleep.
It hasn't even been two days since he forcefully interjected himself into my world and yet I feel like I have been suffering for months.
I hate starting over.
This is worse than starting over.
Im starting further back than I did the first time.
I was about to start dating again. Now I can't even walk to class. I'm sick and I'm tired and I might cry again.
I hate crying.
To add on to it, because of this I came out publically for what he had done to me(and mentioned the two other girls I knew about- not by name, just that I knew of two others)--- In doing so I heard of two more. Thats 5 (including me). Five woman he has sexually abused or attempted to victimized. FIVE.
And I didn't do anything to stop him.
Yesterday during my second nap( I took four) I dreamt I stabbed him. He just sat their staring at me. It did nothing. I dont know whats worse about that, the fact that I stabbed him(Im a pacifist) or the fact that he wasn't phased by it.
Replies
I am sure there are support people at your school. Is it high school or college? I also think you need to talk to the police (as I said on your post).
This guy is such a loser. The sooner he is stopped the less women have to suffer at his hands. Gather support around you - you are not alone. Too many women have been through this, but many are speaking up nowadays and starting to be heard.
As for stabbing him in a dream, good for you! I think it's great you dreamed that. You didn't do it in real life, after all. I suggest you imagine yourself doing it and him reacting the way you would have wanted him to (in the dream). That's a great way to begin to empower yourself against him.
College.
I'm currently in contact with three other woman he has sexually assaulted after I made my post( a post that didn't include his name).
The problem is its hard to do anything about him with me being in a different state now.
It has simultaneously helped and hurt to hear of these other woman.
One of them was after me, that hurts.