Falling apart
The closer it gets closer to my six month anniversary of my son's death, I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm crying more, I came home today and starting drinking. I know it's not the answer, but it's starting to hit me that my son is dead. I wondered today if he heard me talking to him and singing to him when he was in the hospital. There's so many things that I wish I had done different. I wish I had held him tighter. I wish I hadn't give up so soon. What if he would of come out of his coma? Damn it!!! My son is dead!!! I've always been a little scared of dying. But I'm not anymore. I know my son will be waiting for me when my time comes. How the hell do I do this?? I want my son back!!! I want to hear him tell me he loves me!! How do you get through this pain?? I feel so alone with my pain. I don't feel like there's anyone I can talk to about this. I know my other children hurt, too. And my grandchildren. But he was MY son!! I carried him and gave him life. He wasn't supposed to die before me! It tears me apart that I wasn't there when he took his last breath. I was ten minutes away and wasn't there. I had to tell him goodbye on the phone. My daughter put me on speaker so I could tell my son I loved him as his took his last breath! I don't know if I could have lived myself if I had been there when he died! This pain is horrible!! I just want to crawl in a hole and cover myself up. Please tell me this will get better?!
Replies
I am so very sorry you are feeling this excruciating pain. Its the most painful thing ever. Sweet friend, it will get better, it will take time but it will get better.
Those anniversaries are so so difficult. I can understand you wanting to just crawl in a hole & cover yourself up. I went through those feelings myself.
And the guilt!!! Oh yes..that horrendous guilt! Most likely we have all felt it, perhaps to differing degrees & for different reasons, but we have felt it. It is the one thing that can take us completely down. As moms we did the best we could for our child. We have to keep saying that to ourselves over & over & over againuntil we honestly believe it. Saying a prayer for you & sending you a gentle hug to hold you & let you know we understand & we careLove, Vicki
Dear friend I know how horrible the pain of losing your son is. I lost my son Jason in March of 2011. It seems like it was yesterday, yet I know I have come a long way in healing.
I was like you, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and cry and wish that my son was with me. But just like you I had things that I had to do and some how I made it through one hour at a time, one day at time. Time has gone very fast for me and I\'m so grateful because the quicker the time passes the closer I am to seeing my son again.
We will both see our sons again some day. I know it is true. I also know that their spirits see us and hear us and are with us.
Sending you love and hugs. The first year is truly unbearable.
Namaste my friend,
Terry
We know this pain...we have walked this path...we have gone to this pit of despair and pain (and still do at times) .
I wish I had the magic words that would take your pain away...I do not.
I wish that I could help carry your load...I cannot.
I wish that I could turn back time...I cannot.
I can only reach out my hand in friendship and love to you..
I can tell you that you will always miss your son...
I can tell you that there is hope and light ahead...
I can tell you that you are forever changed...
I can tell you much more...but now is the time for the release of your pain.
Your journey is yours, but we are hear to listen and understand.
Wishing you peace tonight,
AnnM
I feel like you wrote exactly what I am feeling. As time passes I seem to regress, not move forward and it scares me. My heart goes out to you and even though we feel alone their is support and love out there especially here. Hugs to you.
You are not alone in any of these thoughts and feelings and in that is the healing. This is very long, long path and it takes time to wrap one\'s heart and mind around this devastating and life alerting loss. It cannot come all at once or one would implode from the enormity of it. In waves it comes and that is what I have discovered is the feeling that I\'m regressing or am in stuck mode... It\'s another layer peeled away with pink, raw and very tender skin that must get used to its exposure before I\'m ready once again to peel another layer back. It\'s a process and lasts a lifetime.
What does not last a lifetime is the gut wrenching horrific pain that you are feeling now. This was a promise that the other moms a few steps further along the path made to me and I didn\'t believe them, yet kept putting one foot in front of the other. Slowly, over time the pain changes for each of us and it becomes bearable \"most\" days. I still experience after 5+ years my DDD (Difficult Douglas Days) and have to honor them by halting and tending lovingly to myself however that may look and feel like for me.
You did your best with what you knew at the time and your son knows your heart. His wisdom is infinite now and the \"would of, should of and could of\" are a place each of must visit from time to time, yet I have learned that I can\'t pitch my tent \"there.\" Lean into everything you are feeling as you are because in that is your healing.
Loving care your way and SO much understanding! I am with you and I care~
XO Joanie
Oh friend...holding you in my heart. It is such sorrow to lose a child. It will get better...it is a long journey...but you will have happiness again. Your loss is so recent and your pain so fresh and all you can do is thinking of your son. In time you will be able to think of other things. You did the best that you can do and your son knew you were there...and he knows your love for him. Take gentle care of yourself...Karen
While the pain does ease it will hurt forever. Take gentle care of yourself and do what your heart tells you it needs to; scream, cry, cuss, someone here has done the same to make it just one moment farther. Just be sure to breathe, eat, and sleep! Sending you hugs and love and wishing so much you feel them! Lynette - Matthews mom
Oh how I feel every word and hurt that you write about. You can\'t believe it now but somehow you will start to feel a little better, but it takes a long time and you will never be the same person that you were before you lost your son. I know that you did the best thing you could for your son. We all, at least I know I do, ask the question of Why and blame myself. Please take care of yourself.
Nell
At times the pain is so unbearable. My son Doug was in a fatal car accident in April 2009. Never did I expect something like this to happen to me. Never did I expect I could survive something like this. But somehow it did happen and I have survived, with the loving help and support of fmo moms. It is so hard to let go of that physical presence. I feel I get signs from Doug, which are wonderful, but oh to see his smile, feel his arms around me. I yearn for his physical body. I am able to cope much better 4 years in, but I still get that stab in the heart, can\'t breathe feeling, it just doesn\'t last as long as in the begininng. Sending much love your way. Sue xo