Fake It till you Make It

Geo and I had a good talk today... he was saying I'm giving into my depression too much and just letting things hit me instead of fighting them. I'm feeling a bit better now, but still depressed. I didn't sleep last night, I got about 8 hours again. I was up past 2:30am and was up before 10:30am. I took a nap, but was woken by the phone. It was the doctor's office calling me about my appointment tomorrow that I'm not going to make because I can't afford it. I'm totally broke now. I'm in the red by $50 until the 3rd, so I just have to deal with it. It's hard, because when I go to volunteer I'm always hungry and I want something to eat there, but I have no money. Maybe I will get hired there so I can have money for food lol. 
So far in the "fake it" plan tonight I took a nice hot bath and just relaxed in bed for a while and meditated on what Geo and I talked about. I need to be stronger and not give in, I know I'm heading for a depression since I've been hypomanic for a while, but I can't give into that depression headlong and just let it take me over. I've been letting the depression take control the past couple of days, so I have to change that. I had a bad day and smoked half a cigarette to calm me down when I went to the bank. I was just having one of those days, and I wanted something to numb me. Geo says that I walked home from the bus stop to punish myself, but I like walking and it's what makes me feel better. It didn't help too much today, but it did get me out of the black hole I was in. So I came home and just vegged in front of the computer for a while and then made dinner, and Geo and I talked after dinner. Well, I had eaten and he hadn't. We have a weird schedule sometime. 
I've been hungry today... I've eaten my calories for the day, so that's good, and I want some more. I think I'm going to have myself a  protein shake or something. I can't think of something else to eat that I haven't eaten already today that would keep me in my calorie range. I had my macos for breakfast, spaghetti for lunch and regular dinner. Maybe I can have some veggies instead of the protein shake... that would be good. Some veggies and butter sounds good. I'm a bit low on my fat today, so I can afford the butter. 
Another thing Geo said is that my reason for going into the hospital- for attention- is stupid. I know people on here have agreed and said there are better ways to get attention, but I don't know of any other place where I can get the 24/7 attention I crave other than at the hospital. Last night I felt really sick and there was blood in my poop (sorry for the TMI) but it turned out to be nothing. I stayed up half the night worried that there was something wrong and nothing was. It's like I want to be sick just so people can give me attention. I'm a hypochondriac. I used to do that when I was a kid... I used to get sick so people would give me attention. I guess me getting depressed and going into the hospital is my grown-up and mentally ill way of doing the same thing. 
I'm feeling better after writing this. I think I'm going to upgrade my mood to okay, since I do feel okay. Well, if it's a daily average I think I should leave it at bad, okay so I'm just going to leave it. I want to give it a couple days before I see how I do. I'm supposed to volunteer tomorrow, and I'm worried I won't make it again, but we will see how it goes. I can't stress too much over it, or else it's just going to make me even worse.