Fake it 'til you make it
When I wake up in the morning I just feel empty. I can't bring myself to text my friends most days because I feel like I'm just bothering them. Most of them now are figuring that I'm angry at them or something because I'm not talking. Some of them know I'm just too low to talk though. This morning has been rough. I sent out one of my mass "have a good day" texts to my friends. Before I went back into a low swing I would send out positive messages at least once a week to my friends. They all loved it and would thank me. I'm thinking it's obvious that my heart just wasn't in it or something because I only got two replies back.
I'm able to keep doing what needs to be done to live a normal life right now but I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep it up for long. I have an appointment with my med doctor on Wednesday but I don't know what to tell her. I don't want to mess things up more by adding or changing my meds.
It all seems so incredibly hopeless right now. I was extremely hesitant to go on meds in the first place for so many personal reasons. I was so happy that I did when it was working but now that it's not working any more I don't want to keep trying. I can't handle the thought that this feeling is just going to keep coming back. That my good mood is just temporary. I can't enjoy the good feelings anymore because I know the bad feelings are just around the corner. It used to be the other way around, I could make it through the bad feelings knowing that the good feelings were waiting to come back. Now the bad feelings are the norm.
I really just want to stay away from everyone until I get this figured out. Unfortunately I have kids and it's not really an option to just pick up and leave for a while. Part of me wants to take a leave of absense from work and go stay with my parents in GA for a while sans husband and children. Time where I can work on me, get things figured out, and come back a better person. I can't seem to do that here. But I know that I CAN do it here, I just start to feel hopeless and can't keep going.
It feels like a fire destroyed my heart and it just keeps burning the ashes over and over again in my chest.
I'm able to keep doing what needs to be done to live a normal life right now but I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep it up for long. I have an appointment with my med doctor on Wednesday but I don't know what to tell her. I don't want to mess things up more by adding or changing my meds.
It all seems so incredibly hopeless right now. I was extremely hesitant to go on meds in the first place for so many personal reasons. I was so happy that I did when it was working but now that it's not working any more I don't want to keep trying. I can't handle the thought that this feeling is just going to keep coming back. That my good mood is just temporary. I can't enjoy the good feelings anymore because I know the bad feelings are just around the corner. It used to be the other way around, I could make it through the bad feelings knowing that the good feelings were waiting to come back. Now the bad feelings are the norm.
I really just want to stay away from everyone until I get this figured out. Unfortunately I have kids and it's not really an option to just pick up and leave for a while. Part of me wants to take a leave of absense from work and go stay with my parents in GA for a while sans husband and children. Time where I can work on me, get things figured out, and come back a better person. I can't seem to do that here. But I know that I CAN do it here, I just start to feel hopeless and can't keep going.
It feels like a fire destroyed my heart and it just keeps burning the ashes over and over again in my chest.
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