Failing to get away from it

 Yesterday i flew up North to a little island that my grandad stays on. i was so looking forward to coming up here where it is so peaceful and beautiful and where i could spend time with my grandad, but as usual i have ruined everything by completely messing up again! i am just so frustrated with myself. i have been doing really well snce i told my family about my ED and started taking medication, but now i can feel myself falling back into the destructive cycle. yesterday i binged and purged and i was so depressed about it the whole of today, but i still binged tonight aswell!! i swear its like all rationality leaves me and i just dont know what to do about it. ive not purged yet but its really hard not to. i thought coming up here would be a great escape from everything but now i realise there is no escape. im here for two weeks and im really scared that im going to do badly the whole time im here and reverse all the good i have done up until now. i called my brother tonight and he said he would come up next weekend. i hate having to rely on my family and put pressure on them but i really feel much safer within my own mind when im with my brother, i hate the thought of disappointing him. Aaagh i just hate how i cant do this! i want so badly to get better so why does my mind not go along with what i want?! i feel like i am having a constant internal battle with myself but on the outside i have to carry on as normal. i feel like i should take my progress back. Sorry for the rambling nonsense ive probably come out with, i just feel so demoralised and lost right now.