Failing

I have been failing so badly. I cant get out of this setback!  Ive tried pulling myself out so many times but no matter what i do i revert back to my self destructive ways. I really hate myself just now, i dont want to but i do. Im back on my meds which i guess is a good thing. Tomorrow i am going to a screening appointment before i start my group cbt and individual sessions. I am really scared as to what it will involve! Has anyone else done anything like this before? I am trying to motivate myself to get myself ready to go out and meet some of my friends soon. It is not happening though! A few of them sat their last university exams today so there is a big group meeting and heading into town. I hate meeting them all when i feel this low. I cant help but feel i am too ugly fat etc to be seen in public just now. My friends are the ones who i am most comfortable around and who make me smile the most, i feel like i dont deserve that just now.