Fading Happiness

I'm so scared now, because I am so sure that when I am happy it is because I am away from the people in the world. And you know I don't need to try to socialize. But I need to get out, though I feel I shall go down when I do. I can't give up.But even as I write this, I am starting to feel more low, and I still don't know if I ever shall marry, with being who I am. But it is my one desire, to marry the one my heart truly loves. I would love it to be John, because he seems almost a perfect match for me, but my doubts come in quickly, and how I wonder if he is my one. If he is truly the one I love, and I the one he loves.But above everything, I wish I could be his friend. Because atleast then I could speak to him. I must try to smile at him. I have to break through somehow!