Facing Myself

If I were to leave the world today, I would hope to be remembered as a visionary.  Few see the dreamer inside of me, but the dreamer comprises more of my soul than any of my other personalities.  I live life in a constant state of wishing for miraculous happenings, though they seldom come true.  Disappointment rarely hinders my hopefulness.  I look ahead to the future with nothing but excitement and joy.  But when I leave this world, will anyone really have known me?
The true me is shy and feeble; one harsh comment and my heart breaks into a million pieces.  I am scared to death of change, but I always seem to need a fresh start.  Why is that?  I wish to be a better person than I am, even though on the outside I seem to be what I wish for.   I get lost in books to hide from the cruel everyday life.  But nobody knows these things.  I try so hard to fit in, even with the friends I feel closest to.  Social acceptance has been and will always be an issue in my life. But nobody knows that. 
If I left the world today, I would hope people would judge me not for who I was, but for who I wanted to be; not for the things I did wrong, but for the things I did right; not for how good I was, but for how hard I tried to be good. 
All I ever wanted to do was help people, but all I’ve ever done is hurt myself.  But how can I change the world when I can’t even change myself?  Facing yourself in the mirror with all your guilt and shame is harder than facing the devil himself.  At least when you face the devil you can run to God for protection.  But God cannot protect you from yourself.  He makes you face yourself and your own weaknesses so you can grow and become stronger in the faith.  I have faced the devil and overcome his temptations, but when it comes to facing myself, I avoid mirrors.