Facing filling out divorce papers

I'm just scared right now.  I know we didn't have the perfect marriage.  I know he has done unconscionable things.  I know he probably never really cared about me, only himself.  He claims he cares for me.  He is pushing for legal action as he says to protect the kids and me from his debt and indisgressions.  But it hurts a lot.  I never wanted to be that divorced woman!  I always felt that 'those people' were from a different world.  I never knew my own husband could have such blatent disregard for our marriage and his family.  I couldn't see how irresponsible he was toward his family.  He only wanted to do self indulgent and fun things all the time.  He couldn't otherwize be relied upon.  I'm trying not to romanticize what we had.  I just really miss my 'fun friend'.  I really hate what this will do to the kids.  I don't want to face the division of things or the fact that he may be more than happy to be done with me.  He may and may not.  Here are a few memories that I have of our marriage that are weird and confusing.My first memory of him being less than kind I was pregnant and thought it would be nice to have a turkey sub.  I asked if he'd get one for me.  His response was, 'I won't play that game Cherie'.Then next time was when I was 8 months pregnant and couldn't reach the laundry at the bottom of the washing machine.  I asked him to reach it for me and he refused!  Then there was the time that I was pregnant and begging for an hour a day to leave the house and clear my head. I was watching my nephew and also had my daughter at that time all day and dealing with clinical depression. I couldn't take antidepressant meds at the time because I was pregnant with my son.This was 10 years ago.  He was working from home at the time and claimed ' you won't tell me when you want the hour?'  I said it didn't matter when and he just kept talking me in circles untilI dropped the subject.Then there was the time we were at a family wedding and he ditched me there because I wanted to talk about needing help with the babies.  I had told him if we can't talk about it that is what leads to divorce.  When I got home, my parents drove me, he was gone and his ring was there.  He told me never to threaten him with divorce again when he got home.  That was about nine years ago.   He also has a history of neglecting the house.  Never trying real hard to get a job that would give him a consistant paycheck and concelling life insurance policies without  telling me.He turned to some woman on the internet because I neglected his physical needs!  I was too damn exhausted and frustrated with him to be warm and inviting.  Besides antidepressents often affect your libito.  What is wrong with this man!  I think he may be a narcissist or something.  So why do I still have a broken heart!  Why do I still not want to say goodbye!  I need to be strong but this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life!