Faces in the Window

Today I made a mistake. I decided to take the shorter route to the store to save time, knowing, I would pass directly by our Perkins restaurant. Sharry and I spent the vast majority of our vacation Fridays having breakfast there for over 20 years. The staff knew us, not all by name, but by face. We enjoyed getting to know them throughout our time together. October mornings, crisp and cool, colors on the maple trees, as we talked and laughed on the way there. Lingering at the table over just one more cup of coffee. Shaking off the cold and the snow at Christmastime as we came in after shopping. At 11:00, it was time to head home, to be there in time for Matt's bus, then we had the rest of the day, the 3 of us, together. Together, the couple sitting at the table in the window as I made my brave error. They looked very happy in each other's company. I really was glad for them, despite the feeling of the world descending on my chest.
Seems like we have to mourn not only the loss of half of our very hearts, but also the memories that we so enjoyed talking about, when our spouses still graced Our lives. How can it be, that these wonderful experiences now cause such sorrow? I know Sharry would never want me to feel that way, nor I her, if the roles were reversed, but I have learned that no matter how our intellects decide we should go about our lives, our hearts do not bow to logic. We cannot effort our way out of grief. Perhaps my ill advised route to the store today was for the best. Sometimes, it is good to feel the depth of your love, even though it brings it's equal intensity in pain. One day, I vow that I will embrace these memories, and freely talk about them without the dagger plunging into my heart. I do so hope the same, for all of you, here with me, fighting to live again.