Faith
Lord, I'm tired of fighting. I know I'm not alone, and there are times I do feel lonely. I only know I have to put my faith in you and allow you to lift me up and give me strength.
I've told you what my heart's desire is, how I want to keep my home and be comfortable in it and in my own skin. I also want to keep my last name - nothing more to be said or explained about that.
There is so much fear, so much sadness, and yes, sometimes, so much pain. There are very few people I can talk to, for after two years it is presumed I am supposed to be doing very well and over it. How can I be over losing my husband? My life partner? I hold him dear to my heart, which is where that love belongs.
The daily walks I take help greatly. We talk and talk and talk. I talk to you, I talk to Dick. I look so forward to those walks, you have no idea.
Lord, give me peace and understanding. Take away my fears. Let me be the person I want to be in this life, without fear that you are going to do something drastic because you feel what is best. Like taking away my home, taking away my last name. Please Lord, give me strength and guidance.
I've told you what my heart's desire is, how I want to keep my home and be comfortable in it and in my own skin. I also want to keep my last name - nothing more to be said or explained about that.
There is so much fear, so much sadness, and yes, sometimes, so much pain. There are very few people I can talk to, for after two years it is presumed I am supposed to be doing very well and over it. How can I be over losing my husband? My life partner? I hold him dear to my heart, which is where that love belongs.
The daily walks I take help greatly. We talk and talk and talk. I talk to you, I talk to Dick. I look so forward to those walks, you have no idea.
Lord, give me peace and understanding. Take away my fears. Let me be the person I want to be in this life, without fear that you are going to do something drastic because you feel what is best. Like taking away my home, taking away my last name. Please Lord, give me strength and guidance.
Replies
What has happened recently that makes you feel you might lose the house? Like you, I would sure want to stay if possible.
Don\'t let anyone take away your last name. That\'s you! :)
Debbie, just remember that
I think it is a fear that gets attached when I get a touch of depression. I\'ve always been use to having a lot more money in my savings account that there ever is now. My bills always get paid and it is a good feeling, but I fear there won\'t be enough money and I\'ll have to dip into our larger accounts, which I won\'t be able to replace.
I can\'t imagine being anyone other than who I am.
Plus, when I get up in the morning recently there are bad feelings and I guess I attribute it to the house because our life is in it. I know some widows have sold and rebought because they can\'t bear to stay where they are, but in all honesty, I love where I am at and I can\'t imagine not coming home to our home, or seeing our possessions anymore. They are me, a part of me, and the life my husband and I worked so hard for. In other words, they are mine, and to dump everything is not going to make a difference. The logic is that I am lucky to have our home, and be able to afford to live in it. We had life insurance just so one of us would not have to worry about having a roof over our heads. I know Dick is at least at peace knowing I am set with a place to live.
Keep your chin up and keep that beautiful smile. You are strong and courageous and you will make it through anything. You know I care and if you need to vent that\'s ok too. Hug to you, Sharon
I understand the pressure of financial decline. I was just thinking about that this morning. My savings have been dwindling and my expenses, while have been reduced, are still quite a bit in the running of the home we shared. I wake up at night with these thoughts. The threat of having to sell is always there. I don\'t understand your worry about losing your last name. I think the loneliness for them drives our thoughts. At almost two years myself it is just as difficult to beileve that here I am..alone without the one person I wanted to be with. I hope you climb out of your sadness and worry soon. Linda
Linda, I don\'t need to worry about a mortgage. We took life insurance for that very reason, so one of us would at least be secure in our home. The bigger picture is the threat. Like a major repair to the house. My minister said not to borrow worry. That God takes care of us, so we shouldn\'t worry. I know that to be well true.
You are correct about our thoughts being driven. They are what my counselor calls \"false truths\". And, eventually, they too, will dissapear as fast as they reared their ugly head.
As for my last name? From the first month my husband was gone, all I\'ve encountered is about eventually finding a new love, a companion, or remarriage. It\'s been all over DS, and I have personally been asked questions that literally would cut my heart out. I just want to scream, doesn\'t anyone understand? I didn\'t need to worry about another man, dating, etc. when Richard was alive. I\'m content not having to think about it now. I don\'t know why so much emphasis is put on finding another partner when you lose the one you wanted to live your life out with.
I feel like I\'m under a pressure cooker and it is something I eventually have to do in order to feel whole and happy again. I\'ve often sounded like a broken record here on DS, professing my love, etc. I know I have to keep on living without Richard, and I will. Is it not possible to remain the person we are, without changing our status?
There are many fears that come up as we find, that we are living our lives. My fear was that I would forget him, that somehow I had to let go, and that scared the hell out of me. I was afraid to accept that I could live without him, as if I had some how betrayed my own words of devotion to him. But that was not the case. For what ever reason, I had equated letting go with forgetting. I had equated accpetance with letting go. So I was in constant conflict for two months!. And it all happend after I got back from NY. After seeing our property and working on it, reliving our dreams, missing him more than ever, it was so hard to handle, I felt more lonely than ever, and angry which I was not familiar with. I felt so much fear and pain, but when I realized that he will always be with me, no matter what I do, that he will always be in my heart, that there was no need to\" let go\",that I jus had to let me in, with all my human frailties. That what ever route I take will be the one that is best for me, what ever God\'s plan is, what ever my destiny, however I make my destiny, will be one step at a time. I cannot make decisions that I am not ready to make and or unwilling to change. So each day, I wake, I say goodmorining to my Richard and embrace what ever new experience the day will bring. I am glad I left my home, I could have stayed but I would have been so much more alone in NY. My entire family is here in Fla, so this is where I should be, we didn\'t have children. I lived 46 years in NY, it is my home. But my sanity and my family is happier with me here.
Extra prayers and hugs for you today Debbie...those fears you speak of are lies that the enemy plants in our spirits...and while we KNOW they are lies, they are distressing nonetheless...
Keep on calling out to God...He alone knows the beginning from the end...I keep taking solace in the fact that Mike is happy and healthy in his new eternal body and that he will be waiting for me with open arms- whenever that is!
And don\'t feel like you \"need\" to find another man...just like some people are perfectly happy being married and not having children, we , as widows, can feel perfectly happy (well, maybe not perfect) staying unattached until we reach our final destination. There should not be pressure either way!
Remember this scripture...John 14:27 \"Peace I leave with you. My peace (Jesus) I give unto you. NOT AS THE WORLD GIVES, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.\"
Keep on looking up! Hugs...Jill
We didn\'t have children either (my decision), and I was perfectly happy with that. I guess I should have given Dick a child, but it would not have been fair to either of us, or the relationship, for me to have a baby just because he wanted one. My heart wasn\'t into it.
Thank you for John 14:27. I have been reading Psalms so far, with a bible given to me by the neighbors, written in plain, everyday English. Funny you should speak of enemy lies, for my neighbor said it is Satan that puts these fears into our hearts.
Extra big hugs today, Debbie. You\'re not the only one with these thoughts. I also talk my rear end off to G-d and whoever else is up there listening. Your anniversary is coming up, and it\'s a hard one. Be gentle on yourself, friend - I\'ll do it if you do it. OK?
Debbie, I have had a really tough 2 weeks also... and satan does plant so many fears, worries.. and all the \'what-if\'s\' into our head ! I was having a giant pity party... and decided to spend more time in prayer & God\'s word. My fears are reduced greatly and God reminded me in so many ways.... of his loving faithfulness. I encourage you to seek Him and you will find Him and He will give you His peace.
Hugs to you.... ex-Jersey girl - Linda
Thanks guys. I have sought God and I talk to him all the time. It does help Linda, and it does give me inner strength and peace. And Marjoe, yes pal. I will do it if you will.