faith
It doesn't seem like it should be so hard. I feel weak physically, mentally, spiritually, intellectually, socially, and everything!
I feel like I've lost time this past week or more. I've been trying to function but I feel like my heart isn't living inside of me. I hear myself laugh and wonder where the sound is coming from.
I've been having conversations with God that are very pointed. Who am I to challenge God?
I've been trying to figure out how to put chapters from my book on my blog but I keep hitting dead ends. Haven't had the energy to pursue the answers.
I would love for people with CFS to read parts of my manuscript to see if it resonates with their life stories. If my writing doesn't touch the hearts of the people I'm writing it for then what's the point? The writing helped me to a certain point but now I have more questions than before. What is the point of having it sit on a shelf month after month, year after year?
The sky is gray AGAIN today. I try to not look into the future. The future makes me sad because the past 11 years have brought so much sorrow in terms of dashed hopes. We are resilient in a crazy, bizarre, fascinating sort of way. How do we do it?
I just read some posts and comments on this site and there were words that brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to respond but I had no answers. I try to convince myself that encouragement must take the place of the unknown that we experience. I have the compassion but not the passion to respond today.
If you are a friend here and I have not responded to your messages or journal entries it's because I feel rather lost. I'm not in the mood for sympathy either. I'm in one of those phases where I don't want words, I want change. Words can sometimes change how we feel but we have to feel them and my heart is too heavy today.
carry on.
Dare I hit the button to save this journal entry?
I feel like I've lost time this past week or more. I've been trying to function but I feel like my heart isn't living inside of me. I hear myself laugh and wonder where the sound is coming from.
I've been having conversations with God that are very pointed. Who am I to challenge God?
I've been trying to figure out how to put chapters from my book on my blog but I keep hitting dead ends. Haven't had the energy to pursue the answers.
I would love for people with CFS to read parts of my manuscript to see if it resonates with their life stories. If my writing doesn't touch the hearts of the people I'm writing it for then what's the point? The writing helped me to a certain point but now I have more questions than before. What is the point of having it sit on a shelf month after month, year after year?
The sky is gray AGAIN today. I try to not look into the future. The future makes me sad because the past 11 years have brought so much sorrow in terms of dashed hopes. We are resilient in a crazy, bizarre, fascinating sort of way. How do we do it?
I just read some posts and comments on this site and there were words that brought tears to my eyes. I wanted to respond but I had no answers. I try to convince myself that encouragement must take the place of the unknown that we experience. I have the compassion but not the passion to respond today.
If you are a friend here and I have not responded to your messages or journal entries it's because I feel rather lost. I'm not in the mood for sympathy either. I'm in one of those phases where I don't want words, I want change. Words can sometimes change how we feel but we have to feel them and my heart is too heavy today.
carry on.
Dare I hit the button to save this journal entry?
Replies
Wow Katy. Your post REALLY touched me..almost to tears ( which may come as I write this).
I know you said you don;t want words you want change...I hope you don\'t mind that I am replying anyway.
My first thought was to give you a hug!
{{{{Katy}}} and just say \"I KNOW!\"
Man, I had some good things I wanted to say to you and now I am speechless...
As for looking into the future...I get it. I feel i too have lost hope and dreams and any ideas that my life will ever be better...I look back to my youth and well, had I known what was to come I would have probably not let myself come this far. But that is why it is agood thing we do not know what is down the road for us.
History does prove some good points though, at least for me...in that after a very bad day i may have a good day and somewhere in me that flame stays lit to get out of bed everyday...
Big sigh..again, there is a lot more I could say in this reply but can not seem o put it together in the right way...
I do hope you will post your manuscript because it may touch one person, like your words touch me ( even if it is one sentence that makes someone else say \"Oh My GOD! I feel like that too!\")
As for not posting replies to people...I think that is how I am with my friends and why I do not call them...I am lost as to what to say most of the time and do not want to always be Debby Downer about my health or life and feel if I do not have anything witty or fun or the ability to focus on them, then why bother calling them? So I isolate myself. I do this with Facebook too lately. If I can not post something witty...I try not to post too many \"real\" issues there ( I do that here in my journal) I feel like not posting at all somedays and that is ok.
I also get the laugh thing...I \"laughed\" at a few things on TV last night and caught myself thinking after the fact that it was not a sincere laugh but more of a thought provoked laugh like \"This should be funny therefore I should laugh\"..it was horrible!
Change....that is definately a topic i could go on and on about. I feel like everyday in my life is Ground Hogs Day and that I am in such a rut and WANT to change but everyday I don;t do it.
Ok...I will let you go...I did want you to know YOU MOVED ME with your post and so I for one am glad you hit SAVE!
{{{{{{{{{{{KATY}}}}}}}}}}}
THIS TOO SHALL PASS!
Take Care Of Yourself!!!
Ruth