f**d doesn\'t work

Food does not work. It isn't as comforting as I once could trick myself into believing it could be.It makes me miserable, lathargic and depressed when I binge and go off track. I really want to see results, not by numbers, not by what others think, but by how I can make my own body shrink and mould into something more lovely to look at. I'd also like to fit the clothes I have now a lot better as I have grown out of them a bit I admit. Being a little chubby has maybe more of a negative affect on me than I should let it. I guess it's my impatience and my terrible mind going over and over thoughts or obsessions about food.I feel so obsessive in my mind lately, maybe I do have OCD tendancies?I have been caught in some similar behaviour patterns in the past, like obsessively checking my watch and obsessively doing a few other things here and there. More than anything it's in my head though. I find it really distressing. I'm going over thoughts about my past, about persons I could have wound up marrying and ways I could have avoided painful experiences. I suppose that I am limiting myself by thinking this way, and putting a strain on my future - but I just can not stop. I took to smashing myself in the forehead with my hand a few times over the past month or three when I felt like these thoughts were going way overboard. This helped a little, but only to get my frustration and anger about it out. I wonder if it's just my melancholy nature? or if I am lingering on the past too often and haven't forgiven myself and let it go?I guess it's a combo of all of the above really. My new goals are to push through with being healthy no matter how I feel. Feelings have been a mess lately and I want to see results despite them, it's just SO difficult to do because they in a way make you who you are.I will try to walk every day at 7am before I go to work, and go to the gym once every weekend whether it is for a class or not. I find my fiance' is very unmotivating in this area; he is not good for me sociably, or for exercise as he hates both of those things - these are areas I want to excel in. Anyway, it's a bad month thing too because this is the anniversary of my uncle john who i cared for having cancer and bipolar, dying. It's been one year exactly to the day today. I'm feeling distressed but I don't know how to put it into words. I also dont know if i should have visited him or not because ultimately he is not 'there'.. in the wall of a cemetary. Ok i'm off now.