Eyes Finally Opened

I remebered writing the journal entry on here about my parents and how someone commented that they were sorry for me for having to deal with abusive parents. Well at the time that entry was written in anger and even though that doesn't excuse my parents for their chose of words I can say that my parents aren't abusive in the slightest to my brother and I. They may need help in knowing what to say and how to control their fustration during certain times, but they just worry and care for us like any other parent would.

Like the title of this entry says, eyes finally opened, I am now aware of my real abusive relationship. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship since my tenth grade year in high school and I am now in my second year of college. It took me years to actally see that this was happening to me, but I'm glad I did. In my relationship I always felt my needs weren't important enough to be thought of. I felt I was always messing up and in the wrong, because I let someone in my head and heart and he made me believe that everything he did was right and what I said most of the time was wrong. One of his favorite sayings were "I'm right 95% of the time". It really felt that everything he did was right. I believed in him and loved him with my all. I thought I was always messing up and that when he got mad at me that he had the right to be and that I should be sorry for what I had done. I even felt evrything he did for me was helping me be a better prson. Through those years I listened to him like he was the best thing that every happened to me and I would thank God for bringing us together, but the truth is God was trying to help me see that it wasn't meant to be. He never wanted people to know we were together and even went as afr to say that if my parents knew they would make me stop seeing him.

There have been times I would leave him for a few months, but I always went back because I felt empty without him. Everything he did was never his fault. It was always what was happening around him that he claimed that was the reason for why he was being an ass. However when the truth was he was just an ass. Even though I would say that the reason for something happening was out of my control he would get upset with me and blame me for what happened, saying I could have tried harder. That I just didn't want to see him or touch him or love him. This would break my heart and I would do my best to try and show him how that wasn't true. He is actaully the reason I thought my parents were controling and emotinally abusive to me, but in truth it was him. He made me believe that my parents were to blame and I feel so asahmed for ever thinking that about my parents. I went through this for nearly four years and I felt that I was finally sick of it. What made me feel this way was when I felt that since we hadn't seen each other in a year since he moved and I went off to school that we shouldn't be sexual with each other when we finally did see each other again. He went off on me. He told me I should stop being so "high and mighty and get off my high horse" he even told me that I was just on my period and that I hadn't seen him in awhile so I wasn't making sense. (The period blame was his favorite thing to do) He told me that I should stop this nonsense and go back to being the Lottiea he knows and loves. He told me that I didn't love him and that I didn't want to touch him. I was so heart broken that I cried. I thought to myself how could he say this to me. I was trying to make a bettr person out of myself since I am a Christian and I should do better in following God's Words. It didn't make since because I thought he would be happy that I was trying to better myself since he is a Christian too. Lately he's been talking about coming to see me and I've been turning him down. He's even been talking about how I should make sure I have condoms whenever he comes to see me and I've been turing him down each time. I can't do this with him. I use to see a bright future with us in it and now I don't. I feel if I were to stay with him I wouldn't be happy at all and I don't want that.

I feel better to get this off my chest, but I know I still have a way to go before I can actaully move on and grow before I can let another man into my life.