Eye Appointment...some other things

So my eye appointment was today.....we drove two hours, sat in the waiting room for an hour or so......the doctor comes in and finally says that he wants me to think it over on having my eye removed so told us to go back home and call back if I want the surgery sometime down the road. But he didnt get I think that I want this surgery no matter how hard it will be...I just dont like dealing with the pain anymore or the discomfort. So we were going to call back tomorrow to schedule the surgery, but then we decided to just take a break from this one thing for the weekend and call on Monday. I think that is best. I heard some things that I was scared to hear as well, like how he said that the prosthetic eye wont follow my real one....and I was just praying that I wouldnt hear that from him...but then he said theres this other thing they can do that makes it move better so I want to do that, and its also not as painful for recovery and the swelling isnt as bad. I just want so badly to not have the pain anymore, I want to look in the mirror and have two good looking eyes look back...I miss the way that eye looked so much and I just dont know why I cant get over it. My moms going in for more tests to see if she has cancer Im so scared about that I dont know what to do.....Shes probably the only thing that is keeping me from killing myself right now too. If she does have cancer I dont know what we're going to do...I just need to have the mindset that she can beat it and it will all be in the past...okay I need to stop thinking about that right now. My dad is just....my dad we got in a big fight the other night and I got alot of my anger out towards him but yet theres still some there =/. I am asking myself this too whenever I like a guy or actually fall in love with one....its never both ways, when am I ever going to find a guy that loves me for me...and me the same for him? gosh everything is so hard......