Extermination
Oh how I loathe my inner personality. I have such revulsion against my own self when my feelings of self pity, loneliness, heartbreak, and stupidity arise and show signs of its evil ways. I just can’t seem to shake these deep thoughts of internal hatred for myself. It is a part I find weak and needs to be squashed like a bug.
Damn that bug!
It’s too quick and comes and pesters me at night. Even during the day. Zigzagging around, I try to swat at it but it gnaws at my soul. I can’t seem to find peace with it and live in harmony. It is a part of me and I can’t accept it. I must destroy this pest. Extermination is the key, or withdrawal from reality that I am human. Alright, I understand that all humans have these little nuisances: call emotions but, remember I consider myself not among them. I am an illusion of perfection in my own eyes. I may bleed, and I may die one day, but to hurt and be weak is not what a “perfect” person does. I guess my kryptonite is love. Love of myself, love from others. I have to have it because that is what created me but, it is my ultimate bane of existence. It will and has started to destroy me. It takes all the energy right out of me and one day it will kill me. I walk a thin line with this issue. What else can I do, besides be perfect…I have to be careful and take slow strides to not fall off the edge of love…for I know it will obliterate and wipe out what is left of the “human” part of me.
So the question lies here. How do I kill a bug on a tight wire that sucks all the energy out of me; to even walk and catch it, without falling? It is impossible or is it. I guess that is for me to play with and find out.
Damn that bug!
It’s too quick and comes and pesters me at night. Even during the day. Zigzagging around, I try to swat at it but it gnaws at my soul. I can’t seem to find peace with it and live in harmony. It is a part of me and I can’t accept it. I must destroy this pest. Extermination is the key, or withdrawal from reality that I am human. Alright, I understand that all humans have these little nuisances: call emotions but, remember I consider myself not among them. I am an illusion of perfection in my own eyes. I may bleed, and I may die one day, but to hurt and be weak is not what a “perfect” person does. I guess my kryptonite is love. Love of myself, love from others. I have to have it because that is what created me but, it is my ultimate bane of existence. It will and has started to destroy me. It takes all the energy right out of me and one day it will kill me. I walk a thin line with this issue. What else can I do, besides be perfect…I have to be careful and take slow strides to not fall off the edge of love…for I know it will obliterate and wipe out what is left of the “human” part of me.
So the question lies here. How do I kill a bug on a tight wire that sucks all the energy out of me; to even walk and catch it, without falling? It is impossible or is it. I guess that is for me to play with and find out.
Replies
How long have you felt this way?
I think you are a wonderful, caring human being and some part of your past is trying to inflict pain and suffering for some reason. Our pasts can do that to us sometimes.
You deserve a good life and to feel good about life. Whatever has happened to cause these feelings in you it can be worked on and a healing can be found.
Perhaps understanding what has caused these feelings and working at unraveling those issues may help bring some relief? It seems some trauma within you is trying to make itself known and perhaps that may be the beginning of awareness and finding a healing along with a release of this?
Perfection is not possible and whatever has forced this on you is in need of being recognized and worked through to find some healing. What has made you feel you need perfection? Work through this and discover what it is and begin to work with it to find healing. We all are multifaceted and complex but with effort we can find healing of those parts of ourselves that are causing us difficulty.
I like your last statement of, \"I guess that is for me to play with and find out.\" You are on a journey of self-discovery and that is often also the path of healing.
Gentle ((hugs)) as you walk through this.
:-) Patricia
Thanks Patricia. I am very self absorbed. Selfish, and egocentric at times. I am afraid to reveal why I am the way I am. Ive done well to suppress my feelings and the thought of finding out my past, which is unknown to me; I have chosen this willingly, frightens me to the core. Perhaps I dont really want to heal or perhaps, deep down inside I know that the dark I am in now is not half as dark as the truth of my past.
Thanks again for the support. It does help a bit.
It saddens me to think things are so tenuous.
I\'m not sure what the ultimate goal is here. I can tell you that perfection is exhausting.
Please don\'t exhaust yourself.
I agree with Qest, and I might add that perfection is overated....lol. Please try and not be so hard on yourself...and I know that\'s very difficult, but it will be easier to live with that damn bug! I\'m here for you...
You are all so kind. I do really appreciate your thoughtful words.
I know that perfection is unattainable but, it is the driving force of my being. People always question why they are here on this Earth, what is their purposes and I know what mine is: to exhaust myself in trying to be Epic. To wallow in my own struggles to see if I can overcome the impossible in life. Yes, I am perhaps too hard on myself. If I wasn\'t the fire within would die and so, I seek perfection once again and crucify myself for not being able to achieve this.
I think you may be developing awareness of issues long hidden/suppressed. Perhaps past trauma that has left wounds/scars. There appears to be some \'shame\' \'sticking\' to you and often \'shame\' is what has been given to us by others out of, perhaps, a need to control us.
Please do not be hard on yourself as you seek understanding.
What is good is you are on this \'journey\' of finding awareness and I think even though some of the discoveries you make along this journey may be difficult you may also find a sense of \'renewal\' in that you will have achieved a better awareness of yourself. I think there may also be some pleasant surprises as you walk this journey.
You are not alone and I care.
:-) Patricia