Extermination
Oh how I loathe my inner personality. I have such revulsion against my own self when my feelings of self pity, loneliness, heartbreak, and stupidity arise and show signs of its evil ways. I just can’t seem to shake these deep thoughts of internal hatred for myself. It is a part I find weak and needs to be squashed like a bug.
Damn that bug!
It’s too quick and comes and pesters me at night. Even during the day. Zigzagging around, I try to swat at it but it gnaws at my soul. I can’t seem to find peace with it and live in harmony. It is a part of me and I can’t accept it. I must destroy this pest. Extermination is the key, or withdrawal from reality that I am human. Alright, I understand that all humans have these little nuisances: call emotions but, remember I consider myself not among them. I am an illusion of perfection in my own eyes. I may bleed, and I may die one day, but to hurt and be weak is not what a “perfect” person does. I guess my kryptonite is love. Love of myself, love from others. I have to have it because that is what created me but, it is my ultimate bane of existence. It will and has started to destroy me. It takes all the energy right out of me and one day it will kill me. I walk a thin line with this issue. What else can I do, besides be perfect…I have to be careful and take slow strides to not fall off the edge of love…for I know it will obliterate and wipe out what is left of the “human” part of me.
So the question lies here. How do I kill a bug on a tight wire that sucks all the energy out of me; to even walk and catch it, without falling? It is impossible or is it. I guess that is for me to play with and find out.
Damn that bug!
It’s too quick and comes and pesters me at night. Even during the day. Zigzagging around, I try to swat at it but it gnaws at my soul. I can’t seem to find peace with it and live in harmony. It is a part of me and I can’t accept it. I must destroy this pest. Extermination is the key, or withdrawal from reality that I am human. Alright, I understand that all humans have these little nuisances: call emotions but, remember I consider myself not among them. I am an illusion of perfection in my own eyes. I may bleed, and I may die one day, but to hurt and be weak is not what a “perfect” person does. I guess my kryptonite is love. Love of myself, love from others. I have to have it because that is what created me but, it is my ultimate bane of existence. It will and has started to destroy me. It takes all the energy right out of me and one day it will kill me. I walk a thin line with this issue. What else can I do, besides be perfect…I have to be careful and take slow strides to not fall off the edge of love…for I know it will obliterate and wipe out what is left of the “human” part of me.
So the question lies here. How do I kill a bug on a tight wire that sucks all the energy out of me; to even walk and catch it, without falling? It is impossible or is it. I guess that is for me to play with and find out.
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