Exposures Today One And A Half Accidents

I came in and brought a magazine from her waiting room in with me to show her an ad.  It was for some kids protective nightwear for bedwetting.  I didn’t know what the crinkle meant.  Clothes can get crinkled, crinkled potatoes.  So I gave it to her to look at.  It’s underwear at night that doesn’t make the noise so much like others do.  She knows how I hate that.  She commented how it was a slumber party and I said he (the boy in the ad) doesn’t want to fall asleep – he’s wide away.  I can relate to that.  She said how he doesn’t want to move for anything to be heard.  She thought it was great I found that ad.   I told her I want to go walking today – a little scared, though.  I kind of have to go to the bathroom but I want to talk first but we have to talk fast.  I want to have a plan.  I said my goal is to keep from escalating it and panicking because when I do this I have to go much quicker.  She agreed.  I asked her what do I do when I start to get that panicky feeling.  She thought a second and then went right on telling me to take some deep breaths and know what whatever happens it’ll be OK.  This is just an experiment we are doing.  I nodded, “We are practicing.”  I told her I want to take my clothes with me but I want her to hold the bag because I don’t want to think I’ll need it.  “Shall we go?” she asked me.  “Yes.”  She got the bag from her drawer and we left.  She said it’s quiet in there today like that was positive.  Maybe no one seeing us.  The guy I had been talking to was still in the waiting rom.  I told him, “See you later.”  I told my therapist how his brother is getting a biopsy for brain tumors.  He lives out of state.  We went out and walked down the stairs.  She did ask me, still in her office, if I was going to use the bathroom downstairs or come back upstairs.  I told her I didn’t know, we’ll see.  As we were walking outside she commented how nice the weather is for the weekend.  I was going to tell her about the rain coming here but changing to the opposite way, but I didn’t want to talk.  I told her earlier just to talk about anything – her cruise, whatever she wants – so I have something just to listen to.  I did tell her about the forecast thing last night later and told her why I couldn’t say anything then at the time.  She didn’t see it but sometimes watches that channel. I said how God was listening – thank you!  So we started walking around the back parking lot in a circle.  She talked about her friends husband owns some company (maybe horsemanship) and they are having a benefit for mentally challenged kids to ride these horses and how riding the horses helps them.  That’s about all I remember.  I told her later and it was like at least I remembered a little.  She had to fill in the sentence “polo match” for me to get it started and smiled like she knows I don’t remember much when I have to go badly.  She also said that what she needs to do with me to practice waiting longer.  Get me on a horse.  I laughed and commented about jiggling around.   Later I had also asked her if she’s not going to family weekend at her son’s college.  She said they go when it’s less crowded and no football game.  I said our friends waited too long and they have to stay at a hotel in another town.  Last time she said it was crowded on the boat – lots of people.  Wonder if she doesn’t like crowds.  I’m not crazy about them either but I’m sure for different reasons.  She finished that story and I just wanted to listen.  We saw someone walking a dog.  She said it looks like a lahaso apso.  I told her my son has one.  She asked me if it looks like that (he has 2 dogs – good dogs) and if it yaps a lot.  I said my daughter’s dog does that.  By this time we had walked around a couple times.  Later she told me she could tell I was just concentrating.  I told her I was just concentrating on what she was saying and not to go to the bathroom.  That’s when we were talking about what I actually remembered.  Now we were getting back to our starting point and she asked me if I wanted to go back, “No, not yet.” I told her to just keep on talking and we continued walking.  So we walked a little further.  Maybe she was telling me I can do it.  I think between the two subjects she told me we can go back anytime I want to and there is no body out there to see anything.  I nodded.  She also asked me how I think my garage sale will go.  I said last year wasn’t very good because the price of gas was high – 4.00 a gallon.  Don’t know – lots of competition with the whole subdivision.  Just about then it got really hard and she later told me she could tell by the look on my face.  She asked me, “Are you making it?”  I think just before that she told me “You can make it,” encouraging me.  I just shook my head no as I was peeing all over and I’m sure wincing or making some kind of face, maybe bending over some like I do.  She said, “Let’s go over here.”  We went into the grassy area at the end of the parking lot.  I don’t remember a conversation but since I blank out during these things there may or may not have been one.  One thing I do remember is her giving me the biggest grin – just smiling at me.  I guess so I wouldn’t feel bad about it.  I was up the hill more than her so I felt much taller and looking down at her.    I do remember her asking me if it was OK to go back now.  Yes.  Last time I dribbled down the hall and I’m sure she didn’t want that to happen again nor did I.  Later I told her I was glad we went over to the grass.  She said she didn’t want me to walk back and see it.  Even later I asked her if she saw the ‘dribble dribbles.’  She said she didn’t and I told her I did.  I said how that one time was the worst when I had to go back down that hallway and clean it up with that girl looking.  That was the worst!  We walked back and she told me she wouldn’t look at anything.  “Here’s the bag so you can use it to cover,” she said handing me the bag.  She walked ahead again.  “My shoes,” I commented and I don’t know if she heard that or not.  I didn’t say but they were ‘squishy’ and the piece between the toes even came apart.  So I lagged behind even more to fix that but she didn’t even know about that part.  We got to the door, she opened it.  She went down the stairs first and peeked down the hallway to tell me gladly that the door to that office was not open.  So I went right in front of her (she didn’t look – she’s good about that) and I went into the bathroom.  “I’ll wait for you out here,” she told me.  I’m glad she did in that little lobby area next to the stairs.    I don’t like it when she goes upstairs without me.  First of all it helps me to come out knowing she’s waiting so I don’t get into a “I don’t want to go back and face it” mindset.  Also if others see us walking back separately they might think it’s strange.  Who know what they might think already.  And, just for the moral support so I don’t feel so all alone about it.  I went into the bathroom and changed.  I had to even wash off my flip flops.  I came out and she was all smiley I’m sure not to make me feel bad.  I think she said, “You look great!”  I’m not sure why – maybe she said “You did great!” – I’m just not sure.  We walked back up the stairs and she said we haven’t done this in a long time.  No, we haven’t.   I was trying to just accept this and I said, “It’s OK.”  “Yes, it’s OK,” she repeated back.  I told her I hope that guy is still not out in the waiting room.  She said he wouldn’t be.  He wasn’t.  So we came back into her office and sat down.  I asked her if I could take my shoes (flip-flops) off.  I told her they were wet, I washed them off but they were still wet.  She said the little kids like to do that.  I told her I go barefoot all the time.  I took them off.  She asked me what I learned from what we just did.  I told her I think I did OK for a while with not escalating (I think I even said this on the steps going back up).  She agreed.  She asked me at what point did I start to get that panicky feeling.  “When I felt like I can’t do this anymore.”  She said, “At the point of no return?”  Yes.  She told me anyone in that situation would feel that panicky feeling.  She asked me if I have any warning before I feel this.  I told her sometimes I start going to the bathroom, sometimes not.  She asked me if I have time to get to the bathroom when I do that.  Yes, sometimes.  She asked me if I have any warning even before that.  No, just that I really need to go.    I said how I thought I did do this for a while.  I asked her how long she thinks I waited.  She said we were out there 15 minutes.  Then she said from the time we left to when we got back, after I changed, it was 15 minutes.  So I commented that I waited about 10 minutes.  Yes.  I said we walked around the circle pretty many times – 2 or 3.  She said it was at least five times.  I didn’t say but I don’t think it was.  Either it felt like that to her or she just wanted me to feel good about myself and successful, and that it was a long time, even though I ended up having an accident.    So she wanted to know about that article that I brought back.  I said, yes, we’ll read it but I have pictures we can look at and I want to talk about my grandson a little first.  OK.  I brought out the pictures and we looked.  She moved her chair closer to me and I had to move my shoes out of the way to the other side.  First day of school and the birthdays this weekend.  I told her how last night he was OK with me (when I was babysitting there in her office).  He loved the Max The Cat game she brought out.  Although we had a little interaction with it.  I had to play with him and my granddaughter Uno at the same time and then later we played “chest” – as they call it – chess.  She could tell how much I love him, how cute he is and such.  And my granddaughter 80% of the time she’s hugging me like in one of the pictures.  I commented how some people think my middle son looks like my husband but that’s really in statue.  I showed her how we resemble, too and my daughter really looking like my husband.  Didn’t talk about my youngest son this time.  OK … so we did that.  I got out the article and read it.  It’s from Australia and they use different words than we do.  “Wee” I told her I feel like we’re playing the game – sure I’d like a Wii!  The article says how going to the bathroom just in case you can develop urinary incontinence from doing that.  And going in small amounts because that’s what you are used to.  How you can re-train you bladder to wait longer and not go at the first urges.  It told about bladder capacities and how your system works about the ureter.  Also about developing, from going when you don’t need to, something called “detrusor instability” or “unstable bladder” (she wrote that down).  It talked about how mental stress such as excitement or anger can tighten up the muscle wall leading to increased pressure increasing the desire to go to the bathroom.  Yes – see like my anxiety.  She nodded.    I said how I’ve been really trying harder to do what the article said  With my trip and then this illness I had I didn’t and I really see myself sliding back to when I don’t practice on a regular basis.  I think she said like starting over again.  Yeah.  Like when I do it consistently in here – waiting – I see improvement.  And I’ve been trying hard to drink more.  I feel like that diverticulitis is coming back sometimes and I know drinking is good for that.  I couldn’t do it when I had it so I’m trying real hard now.  I’ve been pretty good about it the last few days.    She asked me how I can compare myself to what was in that article.  I told her that it makes scents.  I try to wait as long as I can but I don’t know about the bladder capacity.  She said right.  That’s the one factor we don’t know.  She asked me if I’ve ever had that measured.  No.  She’s encouraging me to keep practicing at home to wait as long as I can.  Set a timer.  Make a game of it.  Do it when no one is around and I’m just working.  I told her it’s easier to do it here with incentive because at home I just go.  She said to set the timer back further and further each time of amount of time between going to the bathroom.  Keep a record of it.  I nodded.  She asked me if I shared the article with my husband.  No.  She asked me if I drink tea – to cut back on that.  I don’t.  I have one little 12 oz bottle of soda a day.  That’s it unless I go out and it would be more.  I asked her if she drinks tea.  Yes but she had to cut back because of her little problem.  She said it’s gone now.  I asked her what she drinks.  Herbal tea, water and she does have a cup of coffee in the morning.  I asked her if she felt like I did.  She said yes with the urgency (she didn’t say how badly and I didn’t ask) but not so much because she’s trying to cut that tea down.  It may be more, she said, if she didn’t.  She didn’t say if she’s had any accidents and I didn’t ask that either.  I was hoping if she did she would tell me so I don’t feel so bad and all alone with this.  Like I’m the only one.  No one I know does.  So I was good today – I’m very proud of myself.  I didn’t feel the shame at all about what happened.  We went into it knowing it was an experiment and practicing and what ever happens it’s OK.  And I could carry that on.  I did one time say, “You know what I’m going to say?”  And then I went on, “Take it away!”  She nodded.  She said she has a couple clients that are diabetic and they feel the same way but you just can’t.  You can’t take it away or ignore it.  I nodded.  I did tell her these get easier each time we do them.  Again I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom.  She asked me if I wanted to wait and said it would be a good thing to practice.  She also said that I may not really need to go – it’s like what happens to me sometimes.  She said it’s only been ½ hour since I went and I haven’t drinken anything.  Then I said that we could go walking back outside – just one time.  “Do you want to?” she asked me.  I thought a second - yes.  So we went as I stressed just one time around.  We walked out and saw the massage therapist in her little room.  She acknowledged both of us.  I commented as we walked out that at least she didn’t see us the first time.  She only knows of just this one.  She said maybe she didn’t notice us at all.  She did!  So we walked back down the stairs and outside.  I did comment to her just going down at the top of the stairs that I have to be able to do this.  I don’t have any more clothes left.  Yes.  I think I told her we now have 8 people for Amish Country but I still haven’t heard back from them.  I’ll have to call again.  We started walking around in a circle out back again.  I can’t remember our conversation – like usual.  I do remember saying quietly out loud, “I can do this.”  I think she encouraged me.  She could tell how worried I was and cut the circle down and told me we were going to go back now.  “OK,” I told her not minding at all.  She told me to use the bathroom downstairs in case someone was in it upstairs.  OK.  Going toward the door of the building I again said, “I can do this.”  We went in she told me she’d wait there again for me by the steps.    So I went into the bathroom and came out when I was done.  She was waiting for me by the stairs and smiled as she saw me.  “Just a little,” I mumbled but didn’t say any more.  We went back up the 2 flights of stairs.  I commented about getting our exercise.  I told her I do like to walk.  She asked me if I walk around my neighborhood.  Yes, and sometimes other places.  She asked me if I go to a gym.  No.    We walked back into her office, she and I noticed a light was out in the waiting room, and I was trying to cover with my shirt in front and worried about my pants being wet.  She didn’t say much but alluded it’s OK.  So I sat down.  She said the shirt I’m wearing (kind of longer) is really good.  We talked about other things before I had to get up and leave and I mentioned about my pants again.  She said the massage therapist won’t even notice.  I added it’s dark in there and quietly said about still having the magazine to help cover.  I asked her to glance at the back as I left still trying to cover it with my hands when I was walking.  She said it’s fine.  But it really didn’t feel fine.  I think a wet spot showed in the back but not a whole lot.  I think she just didn’t want to tell me so I’d worry and feel self-conscience about it.  And anyway, what could she do?  I didn’t have anymore clothes to change into.  My crouch and in front was definitely wet but with my shirt and the darkness and sitting down real fast I think I was OK.  Going back … we talked about several things before it was time to go.  First about this weekend with the tour, picnic, museum and then to apple picking.  I brought a map and looked at the distances from one place to another.  I showed her, too.  The apple picking it looks like it’s little roads, not a highway, which will take longer.  I said how I can go to the bathroom at someone’s house before.  I asked her how long she thought it would take from there to our first destination.  She said maybe 30 minutes.  I don’t know what cars we are taking with everyone going if we are going to double up or not.  But then I thought – the little kids will probably want to come with us.  She thought that will be great – they’ll have to go to the bathroom frequently and maybe not at the same time.  I said I did that when my kids were little.  But at the zoo no one had to go and they didn’t even want to.  When we talked about the apple picking I asked her if she's ever been - yes.  There's nothing out there.  She agreed and said there are lots of trees.  We both knew what we were thinking.  I said yes, I could go out there somewhere but I'd hate to have to do that.      She said to seem like it’s for them and let my husband know.  And also if we don’t follow each other then not everyone has to pull over somewhere which can be an inconvenience.  I said we usually follow each other.  But if I get the nerve to speak up I could say that we may need to stop and we’ll just meet them there.  She said to say the kids may need to stop.  Yeah.  This event there are so many stops from here to there and the Amish Country trip it’s 2 ½ hours there and back.  That I will need to stop.  She listened.  I’m sure she knows by now.  But we’ll talk about that trip later.  We talked about my weight.  I told her I think I lost a couple pounds.  She asked me how I did it.  I said maybe from being off the pill (being on maybe makes you retain water), from the diverticulitis maybe and I’ve been trying to walk more.  And, also drinking more because it’s good for you and if you don’t drink enough you feel more bloated.    We talked about my weight a little – I’ve mentioned it a few times but never really talked about it. She said to look at me I look very slim and tall.  I said how I have this belly, people older get it in my family and she said at menopause many women do.  I laughed at menopause.  So that means since I’m not there yet it’ll get worse.  I said it’s all relative.  I’ve always been skinny – almost like my youngest son.  But I didn’t feel good a lot so I didn’t eat.  And my fear of throwing up.  I feel better now and try to move past that – sort of.  So should I just accept it as what it is or not.  She said to accept it but stay healthy in other ways like sit-ups, what I eat and such.    I said how I know I’m thin but I do have this belly.  She said to be careful to who I say that to.  She said she saw the pictures of my friends (who are heavier) and they might even get mad I think that.  I said one friend told me I have this young youthful body like the people on Dancing With The Stars.  I know I can’t say much in front of my daughter (she’s really heavy).  It’s just that I’ve not seen fat before and now I do.    I asked her if she can see it.  She said something and then I said, “So you can.”  She said only because I’ve talked about it.  Maybe she’s trying to be polite.  One time she said to research something but I don’t know what it was about.  She said I’m very good at researching.  I glanced up and told her my worry box with the little lady watching over it is still there.  I keep noticing it but always forget during the sessions.  She told me it’s fine up there and asked me if I wanted to leave it still or not, some people do.  I asked why I would leave it.  She said some people go back and tear up the things that are no longer worries.  I said it’s pretty themed on the trip I took and I did one for the other trip I took, too.  I told her I’d think about it but leave it for now.  She joked and said the lady was looking right at her.  I said she probably wants to teach you one of the blessings.  She smiled.  I told her about my Grandmother dying September 9 (yesterday) and how much she meant to me.  1971.  I mentioned again about people dying in those ‘1’ years and when the youngest turns 25 (like my youngest will this year).  But she didn’t say much.  Just about 09 09 09 was yesterday.    I told her we need to talk more about my fear of throwing up and with the Swine Flu stuff.  She, a little sarcastically said, “It’s never ending.”  I’m hoping it wasn’t negative.  Just – that’s what life is all about.  Not never ending with me in particular.  She forgot to charge me for last Tuesday.  I said we may have one coming because I didn’t see her at all last week.  She asked me if she should bill insurance for that one but doesn’t want me to run out at the end of the year.  I have 52.  She said that’s something I can check on at a later point in time.  So I said I’d pay her for Tuesday and we’ll see what happens later.  So I left, afraid someone will see my wet pants, taking the magazine (I still had that) with me and my bag to help cover.  I went into the massage therapist and sat down real fast.  She talked a lot at first about her exchange students.  I like to chat with her but if it gets long I’m always afraid I’ll need to go to the bathroom again.  But I just stuck with it.  And this time my pants were very uncomfortably wet and I just had to stick it out.  Not too fun but I hid it well.  After I got up, I sat down on another chair real fast to pay her.  I didn’t want her to see anything.  Yes, luckily my shirt was longer and I tried to hold it down not being obvious about it.  When I left I scooted out fast, a guy was in the waiting room.  I put the magazine back and held the bag to cover and scooted out of there real fast.  I did need to go to the bathroom again so I went down the hall and some lady was in there at the sink.  I scooted into the stall, again holding my bag close.  She just smiled and said a quick hi.  Thank goodness she was gone when I left.  I walked down the hall, down the stairs and out to my car hoping no one saw anything.  Sitting in wet jeans makes the wetness spread and you could see even more by now.  Oh do I hate this problem!  I really don’t feel any shame.  I am so glad I don’t feel any shame!  I’ve very lucky she does these exposures with me and that she never makes me feel bad.  OK – I had an accident – this time an accident and a half.  It’s OK.  No big deal.  We don’t need to dwell on it and we don’t need to make me feel bad about it.  If I want to talk about it we’ll talk.  If I don’t want to talk about it we won’t.  I feel so very safe with her which helps me transition it in the real world if I’m ever in these kinds of situations.  These exposures are very hard to do but very helpful.  She makes it so much easier with her calmness and never would make me feel bad about them.  And she never pushes me.  I do whatever I can at my own pace.  But what she does do is watch out for me.  If she knows I’m pushing myself too far or just can’t do something she’ll help me figure things out because she knows how I can freeze on that and not know what to do.  That, too helps me to remember to carry it on in real life situations if ever needed.  Very nice!