Exposure Therapy

I did another Exposure Therapy yesterday with my therapist.  I've done them before and they get easier and easier each time but the last couple times were pretty hard.  Exposure Therapies are exposing yourself directly, in a safe way and in a safe environment, to your fears and concerns.  That way you learn how to handle it and cope while you are actually in that situation. We do this for my very strong concern, or fear, of being in situations when I need to go to the bathroom very badly and can't get to the bathroom in time - many times ending up having an accident.   Since I have a couple road trips coming soon we needed to "practice" being in the car and needing to go.  Many times you have to wait until the next available time to stop and sometimes I can't do that.  Being away from home on a trip there are many other things to "practice" but we chose this first. I know what you're thinking - just wear one of those protection pads or diapers.  That's something I may have to consider looking at this realistically.  But with much, much protest.  I hate those things.  They make me feel like a baby or an old lady in which neither I am.  I'm also afraid I'll just give in and use them as a crutch and I don't want to do that.  I'm trying to make this problem better on my own and fight as long as possible.  And, I will not wear them 24/7.  They are very uncomfortable and would show under my pants.  So before we did this Exposure Therapy I wanted reassurance from my therapist that it doesn't mean this will actually happen (my fear).  We are just practicing, just in case.  Yes.  So we set up a scenario that she pretended to be my daughter's boyfriend and my daughter in the front seat of a car.  She even moved chairs around.  I pretended to be in the backseat with my grandson - I was sitting on the couch.  We thought about going downstairs to do this but she thought no, not this time.  We have done these downstairs in the past where no one usually goes to see us.   So I was concerned about going to the bathroom on her couch.  I brought a plastic trash bag to sit on and a towel on top of that.  She doesn't seem to be as worried about this as I am but I don't think she realizes when you have a full accident your pee can go everywhere.  Thank goodness this protection worked and it didn't.  But in real situations I won't have all this protection.  Then what?  Maybe another Exposure Therapy but I don't think we'll have time before this trip.  Maybe before the next trip. We roll-played.  We do this when I really need to go because it's hard to determine exactly what you are going to do and how you are going to react unless you are actually in the situation.  I usually can't wait very long anyway - maybe 5-10 minutes - and when we do this I need to go even quicker because of the anticipation and the anxiety that goes along with this.   The problem is when I am trying to hold it as long as I can it's hard to concentrate on other things and hard to concentrate on what anyone's saying to me.  I think I'm getting better by judging how I react when I do this in regular sessions.  I try to wait as long as I can and still concentrate at the same time.  But I also have the problem of not remembering what happened during this whole thing.  Maybe block it out?  I can't remember the conversations, the information, what she told me, what I said, etc - very little.  She said that's OK - it's normal to be like that in a tramatic situation.  But it's very frustrating to me.  I want to remember so I know what to do.  It's only bits and pieces.  I do, though, remember all the feelings - especially the bad ones - I'm having during this.  Just not much of the content.    So we set up a scenerio that we were driving and I needed to go to the bathroom and had to tell them and ask to stop.   And, that I didn't end up making it and wet my pants and then how do you deal with that?  It helps to actually go through the steps so you can be prepared in case that happens.  I tend to "freeze" or "flee" when this kind of thing happens to me and if I "freeze" I can't think at the time what to do.  I'm just so ashamed and embarassed and overwhelmed at the time.    This was as close to a 'real' situation as could be.  It's not 100% ideal because we don't know how the real people I'm with will actually react and what they will say to me - or think for that matter.  Or other situations that may play in that we just can't think of or just don't know at the time.  So many aspects of this can happen.    After I just can't hold it anymore - and I put up a pretty good fight like as in real life - that's when it gets really hard.  My feelings are so bad:  Oh my God - what do I do now?  I get so ashamed and get into my little quiet mode.  So my therapist works with me as to what to do and so I'm not so ashamed of myself.  It's helpful but I don't think the shame ever completely goes away.  It's on off & on thing.  Plus I have this thing about anyone seeing.  Who wants anyone to see your pants wet?  So I don't want her to see but I know the reality is people will look - they will.  So I'm trying to work on that but I don't think I'm getting anywhere.   After it happened we talked about how I would be able to get out of the car and take care of myself and try to keep it as private as I can.  How to do things ligistically.  Then we had to deal with what I would do now - sitting in her office - not roll-playing anymore.  She told me she thought it was a good idea to change, get comfortable and then we'll talk about it.  I just sat there and at one point put my hands on my head and just looked down ashamed (first time I did that) and covering trying to make sure she didn't see anything.  She wanted me to when I leave, to be able to get out of the child being ashamed and into the adult not feeling bad about myself. She asked me if I wanted her to look when I got up.  First I said I wanted to look first.  I did that but couldn't decide so she asked me if she should decide for me.  I told her yes.  She said she would not look.  I don't think she thought I was ready yet - enough trama for one time.  I was fine with that but feeling a little like a failure thinking I'll never get over that aspect.  I can control whether she looks or not but I can't control whether others look.   So I took the towel and my clean clothes with me and went quickly to the bathroom.  She didn't think anyone was out there and thank goodness no one was.  The last time we did one of these Exposure Therapies I didn't want her to look, was trying to deal with whether I should and I ended up looking down seeing some pee that got on the floor.  So she ended up seeing that.  That was really hard for me.  I think sometimes God works in mysterious ways.  She's so sweet and offered to clean it up.  I couldn't let her do that.  I made the mess I had to clean it up.  Luckily it wasn't very much. So when I came back we talked.  She used the approach of telling me positive things about myself.  My good qualities and why people like to be around me.  That's because I fear if I have accidents often, or just some, others won't like me anymore or want to be with me.   When I go back next week we'll have to review the acutal ligistics of it all because that's when I tend to not remember.  I hate to have to do this - and feel really dumb - but when I'm in the situation it's so traumatic I just can't remember everything.  I'm also going to bring in some of those "products" to try.  We did this last year and do you know she even tried them with me!  That's how sweet she is.  But if you read my last journal titled "My Therapist" you can see how mad I am at her now for this talking thing (the tape recorder problem).  I need to look past this and work for myself and I don't have very much time before my first trip - only 2 more weeks.  It just feels very strange to me to be mad, have to ignore it and try to work past it.  The anger does not go away and I'm hoping it won't interfere with things.