Experimented With 2 Heavy Pads Today

“I have to go to the bathroom,” I told her as soon as I walked in and after we exchanged hello how are you’s.  I told her that I didn’t plan on doing this now but I need to.  I wanted to do other things first.  I have to go to the bathroom and I’d tell her why we are doing this later – what lead me to this.  Now I just need to tell her what I’m doing because I really needed to go.  I saw her new aroma strobe and comment on it.  She started to explain it to me but I could tell she started talking fast because she knew how badly I needed to go and then she ended fast.    I brought out my long dress that I’m wearing to the wedding.  I told her I brought the biggest pads I had – 2 of them.  To try them out sitting down and standing up.  I have to go now – I’ll need to go again later.  I also brought Big Bertha to try two times, too but next time – not today – this is hard enough.  I’m sure I really was stressing out, really needing to go.  I think I even said it once, “I really need to go.”  I told her I was going to put the dress on really fast.  She asked me if she should turn around.  Yes.  While I was doing so I think I once said, “Oh, my gosh.”  I really had to go.    I got the dress on, the pad on and I told her to turn around.  I didn’t even know if I got it on right because I did it so fast.  Those little hanger thingies were hanging out and she said that’s all and I put them inside.  She said it’s a really pretty dress.  I told her just before that to look and see if she could see anything but by the time she turned around I had already started going and panicky said, “I should sit down – right?”  I started sitting down on the couch and she asked me if I wanted to put plastic down.  I grabbed a bag next to me and did.  Protect her couch.  Then as I was sitting on it she asked me, “Are you sure you …”  I know she was going to ask me if I’m sure I want to do this because my dress might get wet.  I interrupted her and told her I already checked.  The dress is washable – hand washable.  I’ll just wash it.  I also told her it’s too late anyway.  Oh.  I said how she didn’t even get a chance to look to see if she could see anything because I sat down so fast.  Yeah.  After I had gone I told her I didn’t want to check because that’ll just upset me if it’s wet.  Maybe if I stay still I won’t feel anything.  So we just started talking.   At one point I did tell her that I do feel it wet in the front.  And, later I said it bothered me, a couple times.  After the first time she asked me if I wanted to change.  No, because I want to do this again standing.  I looked and could see it a little – just a little.  Now I could talk more and tell her why I was doing this.  I told her that we were talking about getting more information for my Mexico trip, in which I did and we’ll talk about that another time, so I thought I better check this wedding spot out.  I knew it was at a park and went on Tuesday, by myself to check it out.  I showed her the picture I took.  I also showed her something I cut out of a newspaper today of a wedding there.  She used the bride’s dad as her wedding photographer.  I told her many years ago the mom had breast cancer and I looked and she’s listed so she’s OK.  Good encouragement for her.    When I went there to check it out I looked all around.  It’s a big, big area.  There are no bathrooms – anywhere.  I wanted to cry – I really did.  I even asked her if can imagine how I felt.  Yes.  I even walked all around it to look.  Even to see if there was somewhere I could go if I needed to.  No – there’s a street with cars and a golf course across the street.  I knew I had to do something.  Maybe I wouldn’t have to go (I can go hours without having to) but I told her how she knows how I get when I get scared – I have to go!  Plus we talked about my husband driving a Viper and the bride doing a grand entrance.  Later we talked about me not drinking.  Watch it’ll be 102.  She said about fainting.  She said I should hydrate myself and drink a lot before I go at home.  A few hours before so it cleanses out my system before.    Where could I go to the bathroom before, she asked me.  I said my son’s because he wants to see the Viper and we’d be going right past his place.  She wanted to know where else when we got down there.  She said for me to go into the museum first.  Yes, we’d have to get there even more way ahead of time.  Or, she said I could save my seats and then go walk there.  But it’s a pretty far walk and it would take a while, I told her.  I wouldn’t be able to make it just walking there if I needed to go.  It took me 15 minutes to walk around and the museum is up the hill and then I’d have to go inside and find one.  She understood.  She said if we are standing (not sure if there will be chairs yet) I could stand towards the back in case something would show if I had an accident.  I told her, “My luck someone will hand me a camera and ask me to take pictures.”  I think she told me I could make an excuse why I couldn’t – I’m not sure.  The wet dress was uncomfortable.  I told her I wanted to check in the back and see if it was wet.  I asked her to turn around, I just wanted to look.  She did.  I told her it’s not too bad in the back.  It was hard for me to say but the pad soaked up so much in the front it sticks out like the guy with the “stuffed” penis at the dinner theatre we went to.  You can really see it through my dress.  I had sat back down.   She told me about the type of underwear that goes down the leg that people wear – kind of like bike shorts.  She thinks it’ll hold in my urine better and not get wet.  I said no I didn’t think so but it might help a little.  She said she wears them under her clothes.  I pulled out what I bought and told her I don’t even know how to wear them.  I’ve never worn them before.  I got them for my tummy.  I looked at them and said, “Granny panties.”  I told her it goes up so high and my underwear is about 1/3 that size.  She suggested I wear them when I do this again today but I told her I didn’t want to get them wet.  She told me you do wear them instead of underwear because I asked her not knowing at all.  If I wore a pad, the pad would go inside but if I wore Big Bertha, Big Bertha would go on the outside.  She said it may also cover the sound and laughed and said Big Bertha can be noisy sometimes.  I smiled.  Yeah.  When I said I’d get a pair with longer legs later we said we’d try next time with the heavier pad with that one and with Big Bertha with the smaller one.  Earlier I told her I wanted to do this today and Monday.  Not Thursday just before the wedding.  Too close to it and I need successes.   So now we had to wait until I needed to go to the bathroom again.  We also talked about Forth Of July how at fireworks it takes so long to get out afterwards.  The traffic control is not very good.  I can use one of the porta potties before it starts.  She questioned if I’d need to go again after it’s over.  Don’t know.  She said about leaving the car and finding one but they are too far away and the car would be inching along.  I could not drink.  But they all bring drinks and I feel bad I can’t.  Then maybe I could but I’d be afraid to drink very much of it.  I told her I know she can’t do anything.  It’s just there.    We talked about my kids and I told her about following what my daughter was saying on Facebook and Twitter.  I feel bad but I’m a concerned Mom and I think she understand that.  It’s public information.  She wasn’t calling me back because he took her phone away and she wanted to come over but he blocked the door.  She called me the next day and wrote later she should have come to her Moms.  I told her I think they are a cute family but I want her to be happy and I’m here for her.  I told my therapist I don’t want anything like to be like her first divorce.  It was horrible – police and everything!  And, we talked a little about loosing Ashley and her loosing me if they don’t stay together.  I told my therapist I know she can’t talk about him, and I won’t ask her to, but I can talk.  Yes.    She also said how she didn’t want my grandson there during their session yesterday and wanted to be sure I understood.  Yes.  Next week is fine.  I can pick him up at camp or there before they go in.  But when my granddaughter goes I cannot carry her she is too heavy.  She said she won’t be seeing her for a while.  But I reminded her I still have to babysit her.  And when she’s there I’ll have to do it there in the office.  Then I needed to go to the bathroom again.  We talked about where to do this standing up.  We were both concerned about her rug.  At first she seemed like she didn’t care – long ago.  But I think now that she sees pee can go anywhere and she’s more concerned.  And, I don’t want to get her carpet wet again!  That’s for sure.  She asked me about plastic bags.  I had two.  Then she said I could lay them out and she has a yellow poster board she could put down under the bags.  I said my concern about the massage therapist seeing us if we go downstairs like, “what are they doing?’  And she’ll see me wearing the long dress and then not when I come to her later.  She agreed and said to do it up in her office.  But she said to move away from the rug.  Just on the regular carpeting.  I asked her if she would stand with me.  She did.    So I took off the old pad while she turned around.  I asked her if she had another plastic bag.  She didn’t think so but said I could check in that drawer where she has my extra clothes.  I found a Walgreen’s bag.  She said that would be fine.  I put my old pad in it and put the new pad on.  Then she turned around.  Now she could look better and said she couldn’t see anything from the front or back.  She asked me if I wanted her mirror to check.  Yes, I did.  I didn’t see much.  I had put the 2 bags down and she put the yellow poster board under it.  We talked how the material of this dress is really good because you can’t see much – not even wetness and it looks like it dries easily.    At first I didn’t need to go that badly so I said I’m going to sit down a while.  We talked.  I told her to tell me more about the aroma strobe thing to get my mind off of it.  She said it’s good because she uses lavender scent and that would be good for me to relax about this.  She got the lavender out and the citrus one and I smelled them both.  She said it’s good to breathe it in your lungs.  I remember when I first started coming there she used to have a diffuser but she said it leaked.  In a few minutes I had to go more badly, told her and we stood up.  “Yeah, we’re ready!” she exclaimed.  “Yeah, right!” I shot back.  I told her I can’t believe I’m doing this.  I was really embarrassed.  She said that’s the only way to know.  To test them out.  Twice today I thanked her for doing this with me.  I wouldn’t do it myself nor would I ever do this with anyone.    She asked me what I would do if I was at the wedding.  I told her I would try to stay at still as I can and that’s really hard.  I was trying to do that now and was moving around a lot.  I told her I was going to try to wait as long as I can like usual.  I was really struggling and moving around, going up and down a little and crossing my legs.  I don’t know how much she saw because of the long dress.  But I told her when we just stood up I might ask her to turn around.  She said she won’t look. So she didn’t turn around.  Soon, it wasn’t long at all, I told her, “I can’t do this anymore.”  She knew I was going.  I don’t know what she was doing because I just looked down.  I said, “It’s going down my legs.”  I don’t even know what she said.  The only thing I remember saying after was, “What do I do now?”  I do remember saying I’m glad I took my shoes off.  I told her I saw it was on the yellow poster board.  She asked me if I wanted her to get me paper towels.  Yes, definitely.  She did and then told me she’ll leave for a little while.  She did.  I took everything wet off, put them in bags, wiped my legs off and changed into my clothes I came in with.  She came back in, knocking first so make sure it was OK.  “You can come in,” I told her.  The yellow poster board was still on the floor and she said we can just throw that away.  I don’t think she looked at it thank goodness.  I folded it up and put it in my bag.  I had my dress out and asked her if she had another bag to put that in – the dress was wet.  I didn’t say but I was wetter after this second time and I did notice earlier it was wet in the back, too a little.  She went into her drawer and found another bag – yellow Bradburn’s – to give to me.  Then I handed her the 2 Big Bertha’s left and my tummy-tuck underwear that she put in my bag of clothes in that drawer.  I told her I had to go in there and get my underwear – I didn’t have any extra with me when I changed.  And those bags on the floor were really wet (that’s why I had to ask her for another bag).  So she asked me what I learned from this.  She said about the material being good on the dress.  She said how sorry she felt that I have to deal with this.  And she really seemed to mean it.  At the very beginning of today, when I was talking about wearing the protections, she said that it’s important that I enjoy myself and not have to focus on all of this and worry.  I told her how both times the pad soaks up so much in the front that you can really see it with the ‘clingy’ dress.    I told her at least I didn’t get it on her carpet this time.  That was good.  We talked about getting those larger tummy underwear and what we will do next time.  She looked at the tag of the one I had to see if it had pictures of other variations.  It didn’t.  We talked a little about doing this again next time and making sure I come prepared with all my supplies like a bigger trash bag.   I told her I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom again.  It must be in my head.  She said yes – probably – it’s only been 10 minutes.  And, I haven’t drinken anything for at least an hour that I’ve been here.  Not since at home – an hour and a half ago.  She said to try an experiment and go before the massage therapist and see how much it really is.  Yes, I will.  She said that maybe sometimes I may have a little irritation or cystitis inflammation.  I told her when I don’t drink very much and don’t go very much I feel that sometimes.  But today I drank.    I got up commenting about the bag I had again and going next to the massage therapist.  “She won’t care,” she told me.  I went to the bathroom first and then went in.  We actually talked about my dress and my quest for finding jewelry for it.  I wanted to say, “I have my dress with me,” and show her.  But I couldn’t because it was in my bag and wet.  This problem sucks!  I can’t say again how greatfull I am to have a therapist to do this with me.  She never questions it and just goes along with what I feel like I need to do.  She’s just there for me and offers comments and suggestions when she feels the need to.  Or, when I get in my freeze mode.  It is so hard to do these exposures and experiments.  So hard.  But she makes me feel so safe with her.  Like nothing bad is going to happen.  Even though I’m so scared to do them, and it’s so scary when they are happening, she makes it less scary.  And I just need to feel that in general about this but it’s hard to.  At least she doesn’t make a big deal about it and I’m so glad.  If she would make me feel badly I wouldn’t do them over and over again.  I wouldn’t feel safe and I’d feel badly about myself.  But because of her I’m able to do them and the repetition, the practicing and the experiences are so good for me.  I just wish I didn’t have this problem so I wouldn’t have to do this at all.  My next life – right?    Doing these are pretty traumatic and I hope I don’t start with those nightmares again.  I have to tell myself those accidents are not real.  We are just practicing.  The worst part is going to the bathroom right in front of her with her looking.  And I never know where my pee is going to go or what’s going to happen and that’s the scariest part.  I don’t like her to see anything whether it’s on me, on the floor, or anywhere.  But none the less, she stays calm no matter what happens so I try to, too.