Experiencing painful feelings when in romantic relationship
I want to better understand and learn how to deal with the pain I feel when I have spent few nice days with a partner and after my partner leaves for days or weeks for whatever reason. He is coming back but each time the separation is too painful for me. If I could control it I would want him to want to stay and want to live with me so I can feel safe and secure. I know it is my problem. I don't want to make my partner feel that it is something he is doing to cause me painful feelings.
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I\'m just realizing that I am dealing with the attachment anxiety-preoccupied style disorder. I didn\'t have idea that what I\'m going through in a romantic relationship has a name. I also didn\'t realize that it is MY problem and not because something my partner did or didn\'t do. I wouldn\'t believe that is the truth if it didn\'t happen once again in a new relationship. I constantly was dealing with this deep pain when my partner of 17 years didn\'t want to get married or took vacation with his friends instead with me or didn\'t want to even commit to live in the addition we build so he can be close to me. Finally he left our relationship and I was devastated. It took me few years to get over his leaving as we had sooo many things in common and enjoyed doing things together. After four years I found myself in a new relationship and the deep pain is resurfacing every time I don\'t hear from this new boyfriend in an expected time - as it was at the very beginning of our relationship. I\'m starting not to trust this guy. I just wish I wouldn\'t get attach to my boyfriends emotionally. It hurts so badly when I cant rely on them to be consistent in relating to me on daily basis. I want to be in a loving and caring relationship without going through this painful episodes when my partner decideds to do something on his own or does something I didn\'t expect.
Few months later ~ I was reading a book Healing developmental trauma and suddenly my anxiety about my significant other decisions to do something with others or not hearing from my boyfriend for days makes lots of sense. When we experienced trauma in infancy or early childhood it affects our brain and nervous system and our body. Anytime in an adulthood when we experience similar feelings of abandonment than we experienced in childhood the anxious feelings come back. As infants or young children we were dependent on our caregivers and were helpless when they didnt properly took care of us. Fortunately when we are aware why we are reacting to a situation the way we do as adults there are things we can do to soothe ourselves, to be mindful of our painful feelings, to be aware of them, to stay with them and slowly release them. As adults we are not victims anymore. We can take care of our anxiety and be there for our feelings and not abandon them the way our caregivers abandon us when we were little. I hope that make sense to anybody who is reading this. The book I mentioned above is really helping me understand why I got soo attached to my partners.