Experience today

I had a good experience today.  I hope that it stays for a while.  I was talking to my mom and I told her how upset I was with my dad and how he has treated me unfairly.  I told her how he came to my residence and told me to tell him everything about my personal life.  I did for some reason and after that he told me not to tell anyone.  It was very difficult for me.  Also he told me to finish my master degree.  He told me that I would deal with my personal things after I finish my masters.  When I did nothing changed.  In fact he wanted to silence me even more.  I remember when I told my mom about my sexuality and I was happy I did.  Then I told my dad that I told my mom and he was disappointed.  I don't know but I think that he wanted me to keep it to myself and never to talk about it.  After I graduated he told me that he wanted to take me out of his inheritance and that in Canada they were brainwashing me about my sexuality and he doesn't think that he will be able to change that in 2 days (a brief period when I was visiting).  It was very tough and it was really silencing for me.  I can write about it a little bit right now because I had the talk with my mom.  I cannot believe that he tried to blind me from the options that I had.  Why would he do that.  It is so unfair.  I don't understand it.  I love my mom.  She is the best thing that I have in this world.  Without her I have nothing. 
Also when my dad came to my residence he told my mom that I asked him to go there.  I asked him.  He is lying in my name.  I told my mom, who didn't believe me so much but I got through to her, that he is the one who called me after my mom and sister left the room and asked me if my issues are about sex. I said yes all my issues are about sex. So he said that I shouldn't worry that if it is about sex then he will solve them for me.  I told him that they are very difficult issues and not the ordinary sexual issues.  He said that it was alright because he is experienced, whatever that means.  Yes I think that he has very latent sexual issues that he hasn't solved and he kind of wanted me to follow in his footprints.  I refuse to live my life in the shadows and I will never live the way he did.
I am just scared that my issues will be overwhelming again and I cannot do anything about them.  I want to be optimisic but I am overly cautious about it.

Replies

Kaitrin
Kaitrin

Who is it you feel your issues(sexual) will be overwhelming to?I think that,within yourself,you have come to fairly serene terms with your sexuality--I think you fear the reactions of those in your family being overwhelming to you--but you YOURSELF are strong,not overwhelmed,by the knowledge of who you are and who you are determined to be.I think you feel your sexuality is a vulnerability that certain people will reject you because of---or be able to hurt you with..I am not sure but would love to talk with you soon.Take good care,my friend.