Expectations
My senior years are not at all what I expected. By this time in my life, I expected to still be happily married, a grandfather, living in a nice home, and enjoying the fruits of my labor. How wrong I was! We live our lives with expectations. When I graduated from high school, I expected to be a preacher. That fell through after the first semester of college when I not only changed majors, but also denominations. When I got into broadcasting, I expected to be the next Bill Mack, the Midnight Cowboy. Then, when I changed to news, the next Paul Harvey. My new wife expected to live the life style of her or my parents, right off the bat. She didn't realize it took decades of hard work for them to get where they were. And, she tried,,, getting us $12,000 in debt in five years. Expectations, dreams, are good. They're what keep us going. But, they need work and adjustment. My marriage failed due to my expectations of a wife who would support me in my career and handle things in the marriage. I've accomplished many things in my life, but never big ones in a particular endeavor. Just some in the various "careers" I've had. I still dream. I dream of getting full use of my right hand, my left knee healing, the eczema being under control, and having a better life. Without those dreams, life would not be worth living.
Replies
Oh how true you are regarding expectations, Mike. I really enjoyed your journal. Have you ever thought of submitting little \"daily life\" letters to your local newspaper, or perhaps writing short stories? I think you have a flair for it. You should give it a try... after all, what have you got to lose? Hugs and smoochies, Deb :o)
Precious Mike,
I relate so well, sadly, to the \'reality check\' you are willing to accept about life. I NEVER imagined the living nightmare of what my life is today when my husband first died in January of 03, during my final week of chemotherapy for advanced stage colon cancer after the surgery where the doctors where honest in wanting to help me to prepare for my possible death. I had only the \'Christian community\' as family and they have issued nothing but a sentence of death completely devoid of any mercy or compassion. In 1998 I was diagnosed with my disability but with the good support and love of my husband I lived a quality life in spite of illness. When the cancer struck in 02 with the emergency surgery and then six months later the chemotherapy, which in many ways left me close to death and too ill to even get out of bed so often, but with the love and support of my husband I managed to remain alive and survived the event only to have him die during my final week of chemotherapy where I was then left with only the Christian community as \'family\' where, not realizing at the time, that meant I was in fact to be left worse off than dead. Unfortunately it took eight and one half years after the death of my husband, when I was laying in the ER of a local hospital, close to death, for me to at last be willing to face reality and learn to accept the process of death I had endured without mercy at the hands of those claiming to love a god they could not see with their human eyes or touch with their human hands while being fully willing to leave me literally as dead to needlessly suffer alone and ill to the place of repeated medical emergencies from the severe neglect which they gave -- while claiming to \'love\' this invisible god that also had no ability to care if I were dead or if any of my needs were met. When my husband was alive coping with illness and disability at times was overwhelming but it was not anything compared to the living nightmare I have endured since his death left me to cope alone. I simply was never aware of how truly desperate life would soon become without him to care for me where I was, wrongly, confident in my beliefs in \'god\' and my being a part of the family of the Christian community where I knew I was not alone and would be well cared for. I become so ill from the neglect they have issued to me over the years to the place where one of the medical emergencies where I was taken by ambulance to the ER of a local hospital left me facing death just from being so severely neglected at the hands of those claiming to \'love\' an invisible god while only being capable of LOVING MONEY where with MONEY they would gladly LOVE me also and claim it was a LOVE of their god that caused them to provide me with the needed care for my survival. That night in the ER as I faced the reality of death I knew I had to take what little energy I had remaining to me and take it from being 100% invested in beliefs in an invisable being who was in fact leaving me so neglected and unloved to the place where I was actually facing death from the repeated medical emergencies I had been forced to endure since the death of my husband left me with only the Christian community as my family. The \'ultimate reality check\' for me was when I was finally willing to accept that this treatment was being given to me by a \'god\' I had invested my entire life into fully without question of loyal faith and service. The limited energy I had left to me that night in the ER could stay invested in what had left me for years to needlessly suffer to the place of repeated medical emergencies and this process of death without mercy or I could redirect it into saving my life that night as I lay alone, unloved and uncared for in the ER. It was only my choosing to redirect my limited energy into saving my life that night by surrendering what had only left me to needlessly suffer to the place of repeated medical emergencies and death that I am alive today -- VERY REALITY BASED and ALIVE only because I was forced to accept the process of death given to me by what I had wrongly believed in and had literally considered to be my FAMILY in every sense of the word. When my \'father\' only had a \'stone\' to hand to me as the \'nourishment\' I needed to survive I was finally willing to accept that NO FATHER that actually LOVED his child would hand a STONE in such overwhelming need and crisis to the place of death proving the REALITY of this deity I had dedicated my entire life to along with the Christian community I had wrongly thought of as my FAMILY would only LOVED my MONEY and had NO ISSUE with allow for my needless suffering to the place of death.
This event was in February of 2011 and I am only alive today from my willingness to accept reality as it is and no longer investing in what left me for years as dead, and often worse off than just merely dead.
I have been too unwell to visit our DS \'family\' but when I was alerted of your post and read the first few words I could so well relate I had to come back and visit to allow you to know I think we are far from being the isolated exceptions to the pain and distress we are attempting to survive and together we can share the support which may allow us to hang on and make the best of our lives.
Precious Mike, please know you are loved and thought of and I do so hope you will experience the peace and comfort needed as you struggle with the challenges we seem to be forced to endure.
I hope to be around more often but coping with crisis alone while so ill leaves me little energy with the severe fatigue I cope with. My roof leaks and I have no working bathtub while social workers drag their feet in locating needed help. 2003 my husband died and I had NO CLUE as to the living nightmare I would be left to attempt to claim as a \'life\'.
Gentle ((hugs)) shared.
I\'m here for you. I will send you my private email in case DS has some connection problems, as it seems to have had its share of difficulty at times. I\'m in Stockton, California and not close enough to visit but I do in fact care and am here for you. I so hope our lives improve.
:-)