Exiting news then some depressing stuff! Jeahh(:
I have my first professional audition this Saturday.! It's for a talent agency called 'The' but it's pronounced 'Tae'... I don't know why.. :p I doubt I'll get anything, but it'll be a great learning experience! AND musical auditions for my high school start on Tuesday! I AM SOO EXITED FOR THE MUSICAL TO START!! I converted a whole bunch of choir members to drama nerd-ness.(:
I'm not worried for musical audtions at all, but this formal one... I'm... Nervous. I NEVER get nervous... But all of a sudden this year it's been getting to me. Every once and a while I used to get anxious while I was waiting off stage to go on but never like this... I would rather be heartbroken then nervous. <----249% truth.
But I think I know what the culprate is; cutting. I have not done a show without fresh wounds on my body since last year. It's the only thing I can think of. I am almost considering relapsing, but I know I can't. 11 months is too long to just throw away. But to be honest, once I hit a year I don't think I'll stay clean very long. I promised myself I'd make it a year and I will. No gaurentees after that. Rubber bands won't last forever...
Also today my whole past just threw itself in my face. First, in journalism I asked her a six word question and she responded with no sadness or distaste on her face. She was bright, smiley, happy as ever. She never cried herself to sleep because of this. She hasn't collapsed or taken up twelve pages in her journal. I bet all she has is a paragraph. Something like, 'Hailey and I are done, I think. She uses excuses for everything... Hello! My dad is dying and I can make it to school. She's just "sad" and "just can't get out of bed". She's lazy is what she is. I don't know how she's going to make it anywhere in life like that. All these big dreams she has for herself aren't going to just happen over night. When she figures that out she'll probobly get a minimum wage job and die alone. She'll probobly kill herself, idiot. You know, I really thought we were going to be best friends forever. I should have known she would just go back to her old self and screw me over like last year... At least I will always have Jonathan.<3" Bet you a million bucks.
You know what I think? I'm sorry your dad is sick and your brother isn't providing for his kids and I know that makes you sad which hurts me too, but you can come to school and be okay. You can laugh and talk and breathe normally. I can't. I. Have. A. Disease. There is actually something wrong with my brain. My seritonin levels aren't normal which effects my mood and causes depression. I have a disease called clinical depression, also known as severe. The worst kind you can have. And on top of that I have ADD so I can't focus, bipolar disorder which makes my mood unpredictable and now possibly borderline personality disorder that makes me do things I wouldn't normally do. In conclution, there. Is. Something. Wrong. With. My. Head. I. Cannot. Control. It. I. Have. A. Fucking. Disease. I can't just soldier on through my day, sometimes I will collapse. But I don't know how you became friends with me two years ago when I was at my worst and now that I'm getting better you can't stand me? Maybe you're just tired. I probobly would be too. But i can't impress you all the time. You know, I realized something a while ago. You make me feel exactly like my dad does. Like I'm walking on egg shells and I go out of my way to do things so you won't get mad at me. You make me feel guilty for everything we said we had burried. You trashed our clean slate. I cannot do this anymore... I can't have this in my life. Maybe sometime in the spring we'll talk about where we went wrong but right now I already have too much on my plate. But I'm not sorry I'm not living up to YOUR standards. It's MY life believe it or not and I am going to live it how I want, thanks. I'm not your comunity service project or your barbie doll. I'm not a chore or something you can make your own. I am so proud of myself this year... I got a 3.00 last trimester. I used to get 2.3's and 1.8's. Do you know how amazing that is? How good it makes me feel? and then you just shut me down, like my best isn't good enough for you. I won't let you make me feel like shit anymore. In the future I will offer you one last chance and if you blow that we're done. Don't even try to apologize after that.
Second, the other day I was simply standing in my kitchen drinking coffee and I realized, I'm not sad about Bobby anymore, at all. I'm finally over it. Today ruined all of that. I found the letter he wrote me while I was cleaning my room and of course, I had to read it. And I cried. A lot. I feel like I fucked everything up again... I went back to junior year summer where he was there but not really and I still had a hope he would come back. I just want to go out to lunch with him and talk. But I guess he's an even bigger douche bag then he was back then. It's funny how I couldn't see it, but he really is a douche bag.
Third, I told Kelsi I was bi and apologized once again for what I did to her. She told me she forgave me a long time ago and I didn't need to apologize anymore. Oh, and that me realizing I was bi was only a matter of time. :p I wish I could come out/: if was just the people at school I had to deal with it would be totally fine, but my family will tear me apart. They'll say I just want attention and my dad will kick me out for sure. UGHH. I just want to hold hands with who ever I want):
Speaking of, kinda, have you ever not really liked someone but thought, hm, I wouldn't mind if you had a crush on me...? 'Cuz there's this boy, Garrett. He's a goofy handsome kid. I donno, I just don't want to make the first move I think. :p and there's still David... Oh, David... BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND SO WE CAN HAVE SEX. I know that's skeezy, whatever, I know it's sick but hey, have you met me? :p anddd, I think that sums it upp!
Wow, that was long and refreshing! Wish me luck! or break a leg is more politically correct for theater people, so that works too(: haha.
I'm not worried for musical audtions at all, but this formal one... I'm... Nervous. I NEVER get nervous... But all of a sudden this year it's been getting to me. Every once and a while I used to get anxious while I was waiting off stage to go on but never like this... I would rather be heartbroken then nervous. <----249% truth.
But I think I know what the culprate is; cutting. I have not done a show without fresh wounds on my body since last year. It's the only thing I can think of. I am almost considering relapsing, but I know I can't. 11 months is too long to just throw away. But to be honest, once I hit a year I don't think I'll stay clean very long. I promised myself I'd make it a year and I will. No gaurentees after that. Rubber bands won't last forever...
Also today my whole past just threw itself in my face. First, in journalism I asked her a six word question and she responded with no sadness or distaste on her face. She was bright, smiley, happy as ever. She never cried herself to sleep because of this. She hasn't collapsed or taken up twelve pages in her journal. I bet all she has is a paragraph. Something like, 'Hailey and I are done, I think. She uses excuses for everything... Hello! My dad is dying and I can make it to school. She's just "sad" and "just can't get out of bed". She's lazy is what she is. I don't know how she's going to make it anywhere in life like that. All these big dreams she has for herself aren't going to just happen over night. When she figures that out she'll probobly get a minimum wage job and die alone. She'll probobly kill herself, idiot. You know, I really thought we were going to be best friends forever. I should have known she would just go back to her old self and screw me over like last year... At least I will always have Jonathan.<3" Bet you a million bucks.
You know what I think? I'm sorry your dad is sick and your brother isn't providing for his kids and I know that makes you sad which hurts me too, but you can come to school and be okay. You can laugh and talk and breathe normally. I can't. I. Have. A. Disease. There is actually something wrong with my brain. My seritonin levels aren't normal which effects my mood and causes depression. I have a disease called clinical depression, also known as severe. The worst kind you can have. And on top of that I have ADD so I can't focus, bipolar disorder which makes my mood unpredictable and now possibly borderline personality disorder that makes me do things I wouldn't normally do. In conclution, there. Is. Something. Wrong. With. My. Head. I. Cannot. Control. It. I. Have. A. Fucking. Disease. I can't just soldier on through my day, sometimes I will collapse. But I don't know how you became friends with me two years ago when I was at my worst and now that I'm getting better you can't stand me? Maybe you're just tired. I probobly would be too. But i can't impress you all the time. You know, I realized something a while ago. You make me feel exactly like my dad does. Like I'm walking on egg shells and I go out of my way to do things so you won't get mad at me. You make me feel guilty for everything we said we had burried. You trashed our clean slate. I cannot do this anymore... I can't have this in my life. Maybe sometime in the spring we'll talk about where we went wrong but right now I already have too much on my plate. But I'm not sorry I'm not living up to YOUR standards. It's MY life believe it or not and I am going to live it how I want, thanks. I'm not your comunity service project or your barbie doll. I'm not a chore or something you can make your own. I am so proud of myself this year... I got a 3.00 last trimester. I used to get 2.3's and 1.8's. Do you know how amazing that is? How good it makes me feel? and then you just shut me down, like my best isn't good enough for you. I won't let you make me feel like shit anymore. In the future I will offer you one last chance and if you blow that we're done. Don't even try to apologize after that.
Second, the other day I was simply standing in my kitchen drinking coffee and I realized, I'm not sad about Bobby anymore, at all. I'm finally over it. Today ruined all of that. I found the letter he wrote me while I was cleaning my room and of course, I had to read it. And I cried. A lot. I feel like I fucked everything up again... I went back to junior year summer where he was there but not really and I still had a hope he would come back. I just want to go out to lunch with him and talk. But I guess he's an even bigger douche bag then he was back then. It's funny how I couldn't see it, but he really is a douche bag.
Third, I told Kelsi I was bi and apologized once again for what I did to her. She told me she forgave me a long time ago and I didn't need to apologize anymore. Oh, and that me realizing I was bi was only a matter of time. :p I wish I could come out/: if was just the people at school I had to deal with it would be totally fine, but my family will tear me apart. They'll say I just want attention and my dad will kick me out for sure. UGHH. I just want to hold hands with who ever I want):
Speaking of, kinda, have you ever not really liked someone but thought, hm, I wouldn't mind if you had a crush on me...? 'Cuz there's this boy, Garrett. He's a goofy handsome kid. I donno, I just don't want to make the first move I think. :p and there's still David... Oh, David... BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND SO WE CAN HAVE SEX. I know that's skeezy, whatever, I know it's sick but hey, have you met me? :p anddd, I think that sums it upp!
Wow, that was long and refreshing! Wish me luck! or break a leg is more politically correct for theater people, so that works too(: haha.
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