Exhausted Muscles
Today I'm just exhausted. My legs are killing me. Ever tine I try and walk they get weak on me. I feel like I really ran a marathon yesterday. I worked my muscles to the point of failure, so they say. That means I worked them as hard as they could go and no more. My legs aren't even sore, they just twitch with weakness. I don't know what to do about it... I need to be able to walk to work tomorrow. I should be better by then, but I don't know for sure. I was able to walk to the bus, go to the store and walk from work (where the bus dropped me off) home, but I had to stop and sit a lot. I guess I will just plan on leaving early tomorrow and sit at the bus stops on the way to work like I did with the costochondritis. I don't think I'm going to be able to do the 2.5 miles on Thursday, but we will see. I would love to at least do 2 miles again. I need to give my muscles time to rest, though, and today and tomorrow are days of rest. On Wednesday I'm going to try jogging and walking a mile, and then Thursday the two mile thing. I just need to make sure I take it a bit easy, since I've been working them too hard. I don't want to get an injury or anything.
Today was another sleeping day. I didn't have to work, and instead of getting up when I woke up after a decent amount of sleep, I went back to sleep. I've been oversleeping now. I just don't want to do anything but sleep. Sleep is good, sleep is fun, sleep means I don't have to deal with the real world. I can live in my dreams, even if they are just twisted versions of what I go through in everyday life. I need to get out of that funk... I don't know what I did before. I think it was easier because Geo would be awake and I could use the computer, but even now when he's awake I don't use the computer, I go back to sleep. I need to make some sort of pledge to myself to get out of bed after I've had 12 hours of sleep and not go back to sleep. I was going to say unless I have to, but then I will find reasons to have to. I wish I had the mental strength to make that pledge now, but I know I'm going to fail at it if I do it now. What I can do is tomorrow wake up on time and get to work on time. I know that going to work is going to be hard, but I don't do what's easy all the time.
I feel like a hypocrite now... I say I don't have the mental strength to make a pledge to sleep no more than 12 hours, but then I say I don't do things just because they are easy (or something like that). I should clarify that my pledge is for 12 hours, or whatever I sleep through. I fall asleep at different times each night, and so I don't know when 12 hours for tomorrow is going to be until I fall asleep tonight. I don't want to have to worry about setting an alarm. I know tomorrow my alarm is going to be set for noon, and I'm going to get up at that time. I will fall asleep before midnight tonight hopefully, so that shouldn't be a problem. I'm going to take my restoril tonight along with the trazadone. I try and not take the restoril every night, but I haven't taken it in a couple nights. I have taken some klonopin, but I just take that when I can't sleep. I think I took 2mg this morning to get back to sleep because I woke up at 7am and couldn't sleep.
Mood was okay today... nothing great, nothing horrible. I didn't feel like going to the store on the bus but I went anyway. I came home and took a nice bath, since I was sitting on the dirty streets waiting for the buses that take forever to get there. I guess I was a bit bitter today, but only for a little while. It's hard figuring out how you are feeling when all you do is sleep and you are tired all the time. I know my therapist would tell me to sleep less, then, and not be so overtired, but it's so hard! I guess it's just because I'm depressed in reality and I don't want to deal with the world. I guess I should put my mood to bad, then, to mark the depression.
Food today was too low again... I did better than yesterday, but I still haven't eaten enough. Today I got about 1,350 calories in. I could fix that with a sandwich or something, but I just can't bring myself to eat any more. I'm stuffed. I have been good about drinking my water, though, and that's a good thing. Hopefully I can keep the weight gain to a minimum. I know my body's in starvation mode, but there doesn't seem to be a thing I can do to eat more. I know tricks for making you feel less hungry, but what about making you feel more hungry? Oh well.
Today was another sleeping day. I didn't have to work, and instead of getting up when I woke up after a decent amount of sleep, I went back to sleep. I've been oversleeping now. I just don't want to do anything but sleep. Sleep is good, sleep is fun, sleep means I don't have to deal with the real world. I can live in my dreams, even if they are just twisted versions of what I go through in everyday life. I need to get out of that funk... I don't know what I did before. I think it was easier because Geo would be awake and I could use the computer, but even now when he's awake I don't use the computer, I go back to sleep. I need to make some sort of pledge to myself to get out of bed after I've had 12 hours of sleep and not go back to sleep. I was going to say unless I have to, but then I will find reasons to have to. I wish I had the mental strength to make that pledge now, but I know I'm going to fail at it if I do it now. What I can do is tomorrow wake up on time and get to work on time. I know that going to work is going to be hard, but I don't do what's easy all the time.
I feel like a hypocrite now... I say I don't have the mental strength to make a pledge to sleep no more than 12 hours, but then I say I don't do things just because they are easy (or something like that). I should clarify that my pledge is for 12 hours, or whatever I sleep through. I fall asleep at different times each night, and so I don't know when 12 hours for tomorrow is going to be until I fall asleep tonight. I don't want to have to worry about setting an alarm. I know tomorrow my alarm is going to be set for noon, and I'm going to get up at that time. I will fall asleep before midnight tonight hopefully, so that shouldn't be a problem. I'm going to take my restoril tonight along with the trazadone. I try and not take the restoril every night, but I haven't taken it in a couple nights. I have taken some klonopin, but I just take that when I can't sleep. I think I took 2mg this morning to get back to sleep because I woke up at 7am and couldn't sleep.
Mood was okay today... nothing great, nothing horrible. I didn't feel like going to the store on the bus but I went anyway. I came home and took a nice bath, since I was sitting on the dirty streets waiting for the buses that take forever to get there. I guess I was a bit bitter today, but only for a little while. It's hard figuring out how you are feeling when all you do is sleep and you are tired all the time. I know my therapist would tell me to sleep less, then, and not be so overtired, but it's so hard! I guess it's just because I'm depressed in reality and I don't want to deal with the world. I guess I should put my mood to bad, then, to mark the depression.
Food today was too low again... I did better than yesterday, but I still haven't eaten enough. Today I got about 1,350 calories in. I could fix that with a sandwich or something, but I just can't bring myself to eat any more. I'm stuffed. I have been good about drinking my water, though, and that's a good thing. Hopefully I can keep the weight gain to a minimum. I know my body's in starvation mode, but there doesn't seem to be a thing I can do to eat more. I know tricks for making you feel less hungry, but what about making you feel more hungry? Oh well.
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