Exercise and Health

What comes first, the chicken or the egg?  I can't remember if I am tired from doing too much or not enough.  It is strange really.  I know, even though September was super hot, I felt better.  And I was doing exercise 3-4 times a week.  Very low intensity of course (pilates/yoga).  And in the past two weeks I have been tired and only exercised twice a week.  I always feel better afterwards.  Am I tired because of an ms exasperation?  Am I tired because I haven't exercised?  Did I just have a big week with more to do.  Sometimes I wish it was more clear.  It is impossible to tell what it is.  Is it diet?  Lack of water?  What can I do to feel better?  Isn't there something I can do.  Some days I just feel like it all really doesn't make a difference in how I feel and others I know it does.  I am so tired today.  I am tired of being strong, tired of being positive, tired of struggling daily, and tired of remaining hopeful.  I don't feel like I have a choice really.  I wish I could control this disease.  I can't.  But I can work on remaining positive.  I know a positive outlook is healthier for me in the long run. Today I am frustrated because there is so much that I want to do and I know I won't be able to do it all.  There is not enough time.  I move to slow.  And I won't feel good if I do to much.  So, I have to choose not to do stuff.  There is so much I wish I could do. Do you ever look at a movie that was made prior to your diagnosis and think, when I saw this movie I was able to do and move freely.  I still mourn for the freedom to move.  I am learning to accept my limitatons, learning to humble myself and be transparent, and trying to enjoy my life in the face of daily reminders of what I can no longer do.  I try to focus on what I can do.  I try to be positive.  But some days it is just so hard to remain positive.  I just wish I could cry without feeling terrible.  When I am upset my symptoms are worse.  So, I am working to stay as even as possible.  To find joy.   I have been keeping a Gratitude journal.  I have been keeping it private.  I figure it isn't too exciting to anyone else.  Today though I am just going to include it in a journal entry.  I am grateful for........warm coffee, family, my job, my husband, God, sunshine, students laughter, friends, my home, fresh air, Christmas music, food, and my pets.