excited and disappointed

I have an appointment to see my rheumatologist tomorrow morning and I am very excited. I have many symptoms for RA, rheumatoid arthritis. You may be saying, What? Why would you be excited to have a horrible disease? Well, for the past ten years I have had CFS and FM, chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. People do not understand these syndromes, much less believe patients who complain of the symptoms, especially doctors. They believe we are making up our pain and that we are just "lazy". But if I am diagnosed with RA, all of my symptoms now make sense and will matter to a physician who will work with me to help control my symptoms. I now have hope, something I have steadily been losing, along with my life, my energy, my sanity, my job. There is hope that I can find a medication that will ease my symptoms and maybe I can get some of my life back. I am trying not to get my proverbial hopes up but the closer Friday morning comes, the happier I feel. Having hope makes me happy. It's something that I have not felt in a long time. 

Having said that, I just found out that a job I applied for has been filled, and not by me. I think I'm getting used to the feeling of disappointment. Or maybe it's because I have hope for tomorrow. Maybe God is leading me in another direction and knows this job is not where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life. Another emotion I suffer from is frustration. I'm going to be 50 in November but I feel like I am going on 70. I have more in common with septuagenarians than my own age group. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of hurting, being hurt, not being understood, being left behind. I am so hopeful for my appointment tomorrow. I am also hoping I won't be disappointed. I don't know if I can handle another one. So today I'm happy and hopeful. Tomorrow. We'll see what She brings...